Truth Hurts
by FourReasons
Summary: Being told the truth can be painful. For Stephanie, it was both heartbreaking and life changing. This is a story about growing up, taking responsibility and learning to love yourself. There will be a Babe ending, eventually, but everybody needs to grow up first.
1. Comfortable

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

Warnings for language, sexual content and adult behaviour – the characters are adults and behave as such.

Note: This is the first piece of creative writing I have done in many years, so your constructive feedback is greatly appreciated. The main characters are a bit OOC because I think it is time that certain people grew up. Timeframe is after "the deal" but before Scrog. If anything defined S&R's relationship it was in the moment he walked into the room and took a bullet to save her. Most of the story is Stephanie's POV, alternate POV's will be marked. To save you from reading my poor English to Spanish translations, text in italics should be considered to be spoken in Spanish. I have used Australian spelling throughout (except for Mom/Mum).

**Chapter 1: Comfortable  
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Most unmarried women of my age would be out on a Saturday night. Maybe a club, a bar, out on a date, a night with the girls, but not me. I haven't been out on a Saturday night for fun in…well, truthfully? I don't know how long.

My name is Stephanie Plum. I'm thirty-one years old, divorced, no kids. From my Italian father I have a full vocabulary of hand gestures, a hot temper, an insane appetite for rich food, child-bearing hips and long, brown, curly hair. My curls are, to be nice about it, kind of crazy looking first thing in the morning, but look pretty damn good after hot rollers and half an hour of hard work. From my mother's Hungarian genes I have blue eyes that can't seem to hide how I feel, a metabolism that allows me to enjoy the previously mentioned Italian food, the ability to hold grudges and ridiculous hormones. That part's important to bear in mind, since frankly? I blame my Hungarian hormones for my current romantic situation.

My on-off boyfriend for the last 3 years has been Trenton's own Italian Stallion, Joe Morelli. Joe is a homicide detective with the Trenton Police Department and he really is a good cop. He is also a stay at home, eat pizza and watch a game kind of guy, he's not into dinner, dancing or romancing. He's said it a million times, we've been together too long to go out on dates. Apparently all that stops once he got the girl. I grew up with Joe in the Burg, as the Chambersburg district of Trenton is known. In the Burg, dinner is on the table at 6pm sharp, a woman's place is in the home as a wife and mother, a man's role is to work, provide for the family and drive American cars. It's also a place where the gossip mill runs rampant and everybody knows everyone's business, private or not. My mother receives half a dozen calls within 5 minutes of any of my disasters occurring, whether it was me pretending to be Wonder Woman as a kid, or finding my ex-husband screwing the neighbourhood bike five minutes after we were married or one of my cars getting blown up. I think I have gone through maybe 11 cars now? But none of them were my fault, honest! Somehow, I attract crazies and for whatever reason, they want to kill my cars.

Anyway, Joe also taught me that I should have listened to my mother and the Burg rumour mill that would constantly harp like a broken record, not to follow one of "those" Morelli boys into their dad's garage at age 6. And I should have run away when he came back when I was 16 to teach me all about the birds and the bees. Literally. He was an asshole back then, aged 18, and he walked away without a backwards glance and left the next day to join the navy. I saw him again 3 years later and broke his leg with my dad's car. I think I won that round.

Joe and I hooked up again when I was twenty-eight when I had to track him down when he was FTA – failed to appear in court. I work for my cousin Vinnie Plum as a Bond Enforcement Agent (BEA). My job is to track down anyone who decided not to turn up to court on their scheduled date. For my efforts I get ten percent of the bond amount, which sounds great but if a skip was bonded for $500, I get a whopping $50 for my trouble. I managed to bring Joe in and not only gained $10,000 as my finder's fee, but also rekindled our relationship from long ago. Turned out, miracle of miracles, he was no longer an asshole. Overall our relationship is pretty good, aside from the fact that Joe and I regularly have "discussions" about my job. He hates it, wants me to be a stay at home wifey. I, on the other hand, love it and the thought of marriage and kids gives me the runs. We break up. A week later, he knocks on my door, he misses me, I miss the orgasms and we are back to square one. The on/off shit is getting old, but it has two advantages. Regular sex when we are "on" and I can live happily in denial about having feelings for someone else at the same time.

You see, there is another man in my life. Ricardo Carlos Manoso, street name Ranger, helped to train me as a BEA when I first started. He is an ex-Army Ranger who still disappears on contract based missions for the government and runs a security company called Rangeman that does security, body guarding, BEA captures and other miscellaneous work as required, whatever that may be. The guys who work for him are mostly ex-service men who have become my friends since I started working there part time. I run searches to look for FTA's or to do background checks, the occasional stint monitoring security cameras, and surveillance shifts. I also help with distraction jobs, which is basically me getting dressed in my most slutty outfit and FMPs and encourage a skip to follow me out of a bar. This helps the guys by reducing the risk to bystanders and often catches the skip unawares and drunk. Occasionally it goes to hell and I have been groped, punched, stabbed and knocked over, but mostly it's not too bad and it pays well.

Ranger is my mentor, my friend, my boss, my hero, Batman to my Wonder Woman and for one amazing night, the result of "The Deal", my lover. Unfortunately, that night ended with me going back to Joe (we were off at the time) and Ranger telling me I should try to fix that relationship. Since then he has poached kisses and a couple of gropes, but that's it. He told me he doesn't do relationships and I don't do casual sex so the occasional hot (steaming hot) kiss will have to do. As long as Joe is in the picture, Ranger will never cross the line and I will never have to admit I am head over heels in love with the guy. I mean, I love Joe, but am I _in love_ with him? If I was totally honest with myself, the answer would be no. But he really loves me, we are comfortable together and he wants to marry me, so safe fall-back, right?

Joe is coming over tonight to watch the Rangers game and I had already ordered pizza from Pino's to arrive just before game time. I picked up a six pack on the way home from the bonds office after a fairly productive day. Connie had given me three skips that morning and I managed to bring them all in by 3pm, netting myself the cool sum of $1500. For the first time in a long, long time I was financially okay. My rent was paid, I have food in my cupboard, money in my savings account and my credit cards aren't maxed out. All in all, life is good.

I spent some time getting ready for Joe to come over. I had a shower, shaved and moisturised my legs then painted my toenails bubble-gum pink. I dressed in a Rangers jersey and sweats, turned on the TV and flopped down on the sofa with a beer to wait for Joe and the pizza.

Twenty minutes later I heard my locks tumble and Joe walked in with the pizza.

"Hey Cupcake. I met the pizza guy in the lobby so you owe me again."

"Hey Joe, beer?"

He nodded, kicked off his shoes and brought the pizza over to the coffee table while I grabbed two beers from the fridge. I handed one to Joe and gave him a quick kiss hello and flopped down next to him on the sofa. We dug in and ate the pizza while the game got underway.

At half time Joe turned to me.

"Stephanie, do you realise you haven't said anything to me, other than offering me beer, since I arrived?"

"Huh? I said hey and then we got straight into the game and pizza. Did you want to talk about something? Did you have a rough day?"

"How would you describe us, our relationship, to someone who doesn't know us?" Aah, shit. Wasn't it the guy's role to be wary of the dreaded "Talk"?

"Ummm," I hedged, wondering how guys usually got themselves out of this, "we're good together, and it's a comfortable relationship because we've known each other so long…"

"I would have said you are my girl, my best friend and the woman I wanted to spend my life with. Yeah, wanted. I was asked today by one of the patrol men if we were broken up, cause he'd seen you with Ranger again. Have you been with him?"

"What are you talking about Joe?" I felt my heart rate go up and I got butterflies in my stomach. Yes, I had been with Ranger while we were off, but that was over a year ago. Joe's impatience flickered over his face, so I knew we were treading in dangerous territory.

"The alley behind the bonds office, Steph. Ring any bells?"

I didn't say anything, remembering Ranger leaning towards me and our lips touching…

"Do you want to get married and have kids?" he asked finally, sombrely. "With me?" Oh, terrific! Irritation and fighting; that, I can work with.

"Geez Joe, you know how I feel about getting married again! We've gone over this a thousand times!"

"And we're going to go through it again!" Joe finally burst out. "I want to get married, I want kids. You don't. We break up because we want different things then we get back together without changing anything. Steph, for Christ's sake, I've had enough. I feel like you're using me for sex without having to work for it. You said it yourself, we're comfortable. In other words, we get together, we fuck and we go back to our own lives. Do you realise we've broken up and got back together more than fifteen times in three years? And we still don't live together? Are we just friends with benefits to you?"

"No, Joe listen, you know you're really important to me and…"

"No, I want you to hear me out. I know you hate talking about emotions and shit, and so do I, but I am sick of this. You need to just listen, please. I was in love with you for so long, but this manipulating shit you pull, where you run between me and Ranger? It's killing me. I want to get married. I want a bunch of kids. I want a wife who stays home and looks after my kids, not runs around catching criminals, getting shot at and blowing up cars." He leaned over and clutched my arm firmly and looked me dead in the eye. "Steph, you need to be honest with me. Have you been with Ranger since we've been back together?"

Tears filled my eyes and my cheeks flushed. I could picture Ranger and I just last week, behind the bonds office, locked in an embrace. He kept poaching, how could I stop him when I could barely remember my name when he was around? God, I didn't want to hurt Joe but it wasn't my fault!

"Joe, you know I love you, but…."

"Stop Steph. Don't say anymore. I just can't deal with this. You can't go between the two of us anymore. You are leading us both on and you are cheating on me. The one thing you swore you would never do after Dickie did it to you." He closed his eyes, but not before I could see the tears that had formed. "I don't want to do this anymore. We are over, completely. I'll drop your stuff at your parents place tomorrow. Goodbye Steph."

He got up and threw my apartment key down in front of me on the coffee table, took a deep breath and walked out the door.

Well, fuck.


	2. Truth

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

AN: Wow, thank you for reading and for the wonderful reviews. I'm glad you are enjoying it so far. Don't fret, there is a HEA coming….eventually.

Thank you to my wonderful beta, JazMitch - without your help and encouragement this would not have happened. 

**Chapter 2: Truth  
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I sat on my sofa for what seemed like hours after Joe left. I sobbed for probably the first hour, then got up, grabbed a tub of ice cream, put on Ghostbusters and went back to the sofa and cried. Joe broke up with me because I cheated on him. That phrase kept going around and around in my head. When I calmed down, I'd picture his face when he asked me if I had kissed Ranger and saw the heartache in his eyes, which set me off crying again. 

At around 11:30 I heard my locks tumble. Through my foggy eyes I saw Ranger walk in. 

"What's going on Babe? Why are you crying?" 

I told Ranger what had happened with Joe and started crying again. I was not an attractive crier by any means and I knew I must look absolutely awful, but I just did not give a shit at this point. 

"Do you want to know what I think Babe?" 

"Yeah Ranger, I trust you to tell me the truth no matter what." 

"Babe, Joe is right." 

"What the fuck Ranger?" 

"He's right. Why do you guys break up all the time? Because you are too different to make things work. He wants a stay at home wife and mother to his kids, you don't want to be a housewife. Why do you get back together? He wants to make a go of it and you want the steady, easy relationship with regular sex and no stress. You use every excuse to keep him at arm's length, including using me as a road block, to the point where I bet he feels like your emotional punching bag." My hackles rose at his matter-of-fact, frustratingly calm tone. 

"Hang on a minute Ranger, you're the one who poaches. You're the one who sent me back to him." 

"Stephanie, if you were in love with him, you wouldn't let me poach and you never would have agreed to the deal in the first place. You need to stop and think about what you really want. If you don't want to get married, and he does, and you know that, then why are you stringing him along and letting him believe you'll maybe change your mind? Are you waiting for something to happen between us? I'm sorry Steph, you've always known that I can't and won't be in a relationship with you. I have never led you to believe any differently." 

"Then why do you kiss me?" I demanded, feeling like the answer would shred me to pieces, but needing to know nonetheless. "What's with the touching, the poaching? Why do that unless you want me?" 

"I want you Steph, I've never denied that, but I don't want a relationship. I can't commit myself to anyone while I still have a contract with the government. But, to be honest, I kept poaching because you let me. I can't deny I am attracted to you, but you have as many commitment issues as I do," Ranger shrugged. "You can't commit to a relationship any more than I can." 

"What do you mean?"

"You can't commit to being faithful to a relationship."

Like a spontaneous combustion in my chest, my anger rose dangerously. "What the fuck? How dare you! I would never cheat on someone after what Dickie did with Joyce, that fucking killed me!"

He looked calmly at me and asked me in a quiet, steady voice "What do you call kissing me, while you are supposed to be with Joe?"

I felt myself go pale, then flush and my eyes filled with tears, again. All the fight drained right out of me and I felt sick to my stomach, and worst of all? It was myself I was disgusted with. "You're right Ranger," I mouthed in horror. "I'm no better than him. Joe trusted me and I cheated. Holy fuck, I did the one thing I always said I would never do. I cheated on Joe." I started sobbing quietly. 

"Steph, maybe this breakup with Joe is a good thing for you. You should take a good look at what you want to do next, with everything." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Come on, you're what, 31 now? You still live like a college student, you bum meals off me and your parents rather than learning how to cook for yourself and you refuse to accept responsibility for your actions. You sabotaged a relationship with a man who loved you…" 

"That's not my fault," I interrupted, "He always wanted me to change, to quit my job and become a Burg wife. And you constantly poached!" I felt childish arguing like this, but how was this entirely my fault? 

"You won't compromise, will you?" he countered. "Yes he wanted you to change, he wanted you to be his wife and the mother of his children because he loves you. He wants you to give up your job to keep you safe. I agree with him on that - we both want you to be safe. I don't want you to give up your job, I want you to get training and accept back-up. I don't know anyone who attracts more crazies or destroys more cars, or injures more of my men." 

"That's not fair, Ranger! Is it my fault that crazy shit always seems to happen to me?" 

"What is it you always say when something goes wrong? It's not my fault? Come on Stephanie, you need to admit that sometimes it is your fault. You refuse to train, refuse to accept back up and put yourself in situations where you get hurt because you refuse to look at the overall situation and to be honest, I don't think you care enough about yourself to actually look after yourself properly. You've been doing BEA work for what, 4 years now? And you still end up getting into trouble more times than not. Hell, your life is like something out of a movie, it's that fucked up. Stephanie, please, use this break with Joe to take some time out and learn how to help yourself and figure out how you want to live your life." 

He kissed me on the forehead and walked out, locking the door behind him. 

And just like that, the anger was making a fast return. 

After Ranger left I sat on the couch and fumed. How fucking dare he! I always thought and wished that he wanted the same thing as me, a relationship _someday_. We are close friends, the best of friends, well at least we _were _until tonight, but I always hoped he would realise we were meant to be together. I can be faithful, hell, I never cheated on Dickie and he still screwed that bitch Joyce, asshole. Joe and I were together for years and I never…. 

My self-righteous inner tantrum came to a screaming halt. I had been cheating on Joe. No, I hadn't slept with Ranger while we were officially together. But I realised that if Joe had kissed another woman while we were together I would consider that cheating. And I would have ended our relationship for that. So, every time I let Ranger kiss me, no, stop Steph, be honest. Every time I kissed Ranger, no matter who initiated it, I was cheating on Joe. Every time I let him grope me, I was cheating on Joe. I could have said to Ranger at any time, I was with Joe and there will be no poaching. Joe and Ranger were right. No matter how much I led Joe to believe everything was fine, and kept going back to him, the reason I couldn't commit was because I was involved with Ranger as well. I realised that deep down, Ranger was safe because he didn't want a relationship, but keeping him in my life meant I could never wholly commit to Joe. Over the next couple of hours, I dissected my relationships with both Joe and Ranger and had to agree with Ranger. I had been using both him and Joe to keep myself from committing to a forever relationship. Because I was scared to commit? Hell, I don't know why but I screwed up the best relationship I ever had. My friendship with Ranger. And I also completely screwed up any chance of a relationship with him by proving I was unfaithful in a relationship. I fucking hated myself right now. 

At around 3am, I finally drifted off in an exhausted sleep.


	3. Decisions

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN: **My thanks to JazMitch for reading ahead and improving this story leaps and bounds.

**Chapter 3: Decisions  
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I woke up on my sofa at 6am. I felt like complete crap and a quick look in the mirror when I staggered into the bathroom confirmed that I looked marginally worse – total and utter crap. My eyes were swollen and red from hours of crying and my hair could only be described as a rats nest.

I made myself a coffee and sat down at my dining table with a note book and pencil, deciding it was time to make some drastic changes in my life. Ranger was right – I really didn't like myself at the moment and I had certainly messed up any chance of being able to live in Trenton without my breakup with Joe being brought up every time I saw someone I knew. The rumour mill of the Burg was probably in full force already and the sun was barely up. Maybe this was a great chance to take a break, go away for a while and work on me, the real Stephanie Michelle Plum, not the bumbling "Bombshell Bounty Hunter" or "Cupcake" or "Babe". I wanted to look in the mirror again, and actually like the woman I saw looking back at me. That would be my goal. Right now, I was so disappointed in who I had become that I could barely look myself in the eye. Then I realised that this had been the case for a while. I could apply makeup, do my hair and check out my clothes all without actually looking myself in the eye and seeing the real me. How far had I fallen down?

It didn't matter. It was time to stop whining, and pick myself the heck back up.

I divided a page in my book into four squares. I labelled them mental health, physical health, career and relationships. These were the four areas in my life where I always struggled. If I was honest with myself, these were also the four areas of my life that I managed to continually screw up. I decided if I was going to learn to like myself these were the areas I would have to work on. I decided I would make an action list for each, just like I used to in college so I could feel a sense of achievement when I crossed each one off.

Mental health – this was a scary one. Am I depressed? I asked myself. Dependant on other people's validation to feel happy? Insecure? Afraid of commitment? I'd say that's a big fat yes to all of those. I decided I would find myself a counsellor. I needed help and just acknowledging it made me feel better. I also decided I really needed to get out of Trenton for a while, everything around me reminds me of Joe, Ranger, my job, crazies in my apartment…yeah, bad memories everywhere.

Physical health – I knew what I had to do here. Stop eating crap, learn to cook and actually eat half decent food instead of living on takeaway and beer and start exercising. I jotted down some simple goals: drink water not soda, stop drinking alcohol every day, make takeaway a once a week thing (I'd warm up to that one!) and exercise every second day for 30 minutes.

Career – Is bounty hunting really what I want to do? What do I like about it? I work with my friends, it's always different, I eventually get most of my skips and I get to see Ranger. What else do I like? I love singing, I love talking to people, and I love helping people. I love being good at something! Am I a good bounty hunter? Without Ranger and the Merry Men for backup? No. Could I be a good bounty hunter? With the right training and if I could use my gun properly, and kept bullets in it, yes. Argh! Ranger was right again! Bastard! How come he is always right? My things to do ended up as resign from Vinnie's, resign from Rangeman and work out what I was going to do when I got back from my trip away. Regardless of what I did when I got back, I needed to learn how to defend myself, so defence training and learning how to use my gun properly were added to the list. The next job I got would be because I deserved it, not because I blackmailed the boss into giving it to me.

Relationships – I had saved the hardest til last. I had completely messed up any chance I had with either Ranger or Joe, but I could try to salvage my friendship with Ranger. The relationship I needed to work on most was getting to know and love myself. I promised myself I would not start another relationship with anyone until I could honestly look myself in the eye and love myself. Until then, this chick is flying solo.

I decided if I was going to get out of Trenton for a while, I would need somewhere to come back to. Maybe Grandma would stay in my apartment while I was gone? My father would love that! My Grandma Mazur had lived with my parents since Grandpa Mazur boarded the big gravy train in the sky. They lived in a three bedroom, one bathroom duplex in the heart of the Burg. Daddy and Grandma's arguments over the dinner table and morning bathroom rights were the thing of legend. Grandma would love being independent again, and I am sure Mom and Daddy would appreciate being on their own while I am out of town. Grandma had money stashed away from Grandpa's estate and I knew she could cover the rent while I was away. I would pay three months ahead to give her a start anyway, thanks to the last few distraction jobs I had done for Ranger my bank balance was fairly healthy.

My apartment sorted, I needed to work out where I was going. I loved the water, I craved sunshine and I wanted to be where no-one would know me and no-one from Trenton would be able to find me while I worked my problems out. I decided to head south. Not Florida, not with Rangeman having a base in Miami. I wanted to get completely away. I remembered about a year ago Lester mentioning a friend of his that ran a bar in Tampico, on the coast of Mexico. Something in my gut told me this was the right decision, so on the spur of the moment, I decided that was where I was heading. I was going on the road trip of a lifetime!

I looked at the clock and decided it was time to break the news to my parents and check if Grandma wanted to move in. I jumped in my Chevy Trailblazer and headed to the Burg. When I pulled up outside my parent's home, Mom and Grandma were waiting on the porch for me. The Burg radar never fails.

"Hi Mom, Grandma" I called as I got out of my truck.

"Come inside Stephanie, I have coffee cake". My Mom was the consummate Burg housewife. Her house was always spotless, you could set your watch by the time she served dinner and there was always coffee cake when you needed a chat. Daddy joined us and we sat around the kitchen table, drinking strong coffee and eating coffee cake. Just what I needed after next to no sleep. The way Daddies always seem to, he knew something was weighing on me, and waited until I settled to call me on it.

"What's on your mind, Pumpkin?" he asked.

I took a breath and prepared myself to break the news to them. "I've decided to make some changes in my life. Joe and I broke up last night because he found out I have been with Ranger. Yeah, I know, stupid. Ranger came over a while after Joe left and told me a few home truths that have hit me really hard. Then he walked out too."

"What did he say, Steph?" asked Grandma gently, seeing the tears in my eyes.

"He agreed with what Joe said, that I had been using Joe and leading him on, because I never had any intention of marrying Joe." I paused for a second, clearing my throat of the lump occupying it. "He also told me that there was no chance of a relationship between me and him because of his contract with the army, and because I was unfaithful in relationships. And he is right. I cheated on Joe and never gave us a chance. I let Ranger poach kisses because I had feelings for him, but that wasn't fair to Joe. Now I've lost both of them." I put my head in my hands, lost my battle with tears and cried. After a couple of minutes pulling myself back together, I continued.

"Okay, I need to get this all out. What hurts more is that Ranger was one of my best friends. And he told me that basically I needed to take a good hard look at myself, grow up and work out what I want out of life. I've been an idiot, not getting any training, refusing to carry my gun, yet I run around after criminals every day. I've been shot, kidnapped, stabbed, groped, covered in garbage, had my cars blown up, but I still refuse to ask for backup or learn how to make myself better. The guys Ranger sends out to help me have been hurt, because of me. My apartment has been firebombed, which could have hurt or killed my neighbours. Lula got raped and tortured by a psycho that was after me." My breathing quickened and I was quickly approaching hysteria. "You'd think any of these things would have screamed out to me "get some fucking training" but no! I keep telling myself it's not my fault! I have been such a fucking idiot! I could have killed someone I love! I HATE MYSELF!" Ok, so I may have passed hysterical a few towns back.

I started sobbing so hard I couldn't catch my breath, next thing I knew everything went fuzzy and Mom held a paper bag over my mouth.

"Honey, you're hyperventilating, you need to slow down your breathing," her calm, comforting voice penetrated my bubble of despair and I latched on to it like I was 4 years old again, in the middle of a thunderstorm. "Listen to me Stephanie, breathe with me… In, two, three, out, two, three, in, two, three, four, out, two, three, four…"

My mother always seemed to know exactly what to do to calm me down. She made me concentrate on my breathing until I had stopped crying and felt almost normal. Numb, but almost normal.

"Okay honey, do you want some water?"

"No, thanks Mom, I just need to finish what I need to say. I'm churning up inside but I think talking to you guys is actually helping. This is me admitting I've got to make some serious changes."

I pulled out my list and talked them through my plan. "I want to do this away from Trenton though. Everyone around here knows everything about me, and I don't want to do this when I can hear the gossipers talking about me. I certainly don't want to see Joe and Ranger until I fix myself. So I've decided I'm going to take a road trip. I can sit myself on a beach and think and get some training and work myself out. Then I'll come back and deal with the rest of the crap that is my life at the moment."

"You're sure about this Pumpkin?" my Daddy asked. "I'll support you no matter what, but I need to know you are going to be safe and that you will be alright."

"Daddy, I promise I will call or text you every night. I won't pick up hitch-hikers or put myself in any more stupid situations. I feel like this is what I am supposed to do right now. I got that tingle I get when I looked at the map, you know?"

The tingle is what I call my spidey-sense. It is a funny feeling in my stomach that somehow warns me when I am about to make a monumentally great or terrifyingly bad decision. It had never let me down before and for some reason I knew I was making the right choice about my future. Maybe I couldn't trust a lot about myself these days, but damn if I couldn't trust my own instincts.

"What are you going to do about your apartment baby-girl?" asked my Grandma. She had a gleam in her eye – I knew I had her 100% support.

"Would you like to move in while I am gone, Grandma?"

"Hell yeah!" shouted Daddy, in a display of emotion that even had me fighting back a giggle.

"Frank!" Mom sounded a little miffed, just a little. There was a hint of a smile on her face.

"Oh yeah baby-girl! Just leave me your heels and your distraction clothes…"

"Over my dead body!" Mom and Daddy said at the same time.

I couldn't help it; I laughed. This is why I loved my family. They really only wanted what was best for me and they knew that getting away from everything was the only way I was going to be able to force myself to grow up.

Daddy reached over and held my hand. "Pumpkin, I completely agree with everything you said, and with what Ranger told you. I love your free spirit and I think this is a great idea for you. I think Ranger is right, it's time you started looking after yourself better."

My Mom reached for my other hand. "Stephanie, I love you and I'm proud of you. I pushed you towards Joe because I thought getting married and having children would be the best outcome for you, but I didn't realise how much your relationship was hurting you both. I want you to promise me something. Go on your adventure, work out who you really are and what you want out of your life. Stop trying to please everybody and for once, do something that is just for yourself. We will be here waiting for you when you get back."

I had tears running down my face, then Grandma spoke the words that changed everything.

"Baby girl, I am so proud of you! I want you to take something without arguing, okay?" She disappeared and came back with a cheque. "Steph, this is for the value of your share of your grandfather's estate. Your grandfather wanted you and Val to have an equal share with your parents. Val used hers to pay for their house. I've held yours in trust for you until you really needed it, or until I passed, but I think you really need it now."

The cheque was for $200,000. Holy cow!


	4. Goodbye

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN: **I am incredibly thankful to everyone who is reading along with this story. Special thanks to JazMitch for being my support line.

**Chapter 4: Goodbye  
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I promised my parents I would come by before I left Trenton to say goodbye, then I headed to the bank to deposit Grandma's cheque. A quick chat to the manager and I was set. I put $150,000 in a term deposit account and the other $50,000 into my checking account. After paying my rent for 3 months, paying off the balance of my credit card and closing all my store cards I still had around $43,000 left, thanks again to my run of distraction jobs for Rangeman and to my Grandma. I had more than enough to take off on my holiday for six months and to set myself back up when I got home. I felt butterflies in my stomach and realised that I was excited. Incredibly excited. And a bit sad. I'll miss my family, my friends and the Merry Men, but this is the opportunity of a lifetime. And I needed this. I hadn't realised it, but I needed it.

I spent the afternoon in my apartment planning where to go, checking which routes were recommended for driving, looking for towns to visit along the way. Once I had everything settled in my mind, I walked down to the building super's apartment to talk to Dillon to let him know my Grandma was moving in while I took a holiday. He agreed to look after Rex, my pet hamster, for me. I didn't think Rex needed to see the mischief my Grandma would no doubt get up to in my apartment. I would need to bleach everything when I got back! When I explained why I was leaving, Dillon cleared his throat and suddenly looked very serious.

"Steph, I've never thought of you as anything other than perfect. Make sure you are doing this for yourself, that you aren't going away to change for Ranger, or for anyone else."

Not quite sure how to digest that, I thanked Dillon, gave him a kiss on the cheek and went back upstairs to bed.

That night, I laid awake for hours thinking about what Dillon said. Wow, he thought I was perfect. Warm fuzzy feeling. Make sure I was doing this for myself. Was I? I think that Ranger was the catalyst for this trip, but after I dissected everything that had happened, I realised that I was making these changes for myself. Could I be truly happy if everything stayed the way it was? I don't think so. If I made all these changes in my life, would I be truly happy? I don't know, I knew I had a better chance of it. At around 1am I finally drifted off to sleep.

I woke up the next morning at 7am, which kind of surprised me. Normally I hate mornings with a passion, preferring to lie in bed until around 10, but today motivation had me up and about straight away. After grabbing some peanut butter toast and a coffee for breakfast, showering and getting dressed in jeans and a black v-neck t-shirt, I headed to the bonds office to resign and say goodbye.

I said a quick good morning to Connie and Lula then knocked on the door to Vinnie's office. Vinnie was completely and surprisingly understanding of my decision.

"You haven't been yourself for a while, Steph. I'll get Rangeman to pick up your skips until we hire another BEA. Hell, I'm pissed that you are leaving me with fuck all notice, but you are family after all and you need this. That, and your dad said he'd kill me if I gave you any grief, so I guess I'll see you when you get back."

I love my Daddy!

When I walked back into the reception area, Connie was busy painting her nails and Lula was lounged on the sofa reading a magazine.

"What's up white girl? You're never here this early." Typical Lula, wanting to know everything about everything. Lula and I met when I was tracking down Joe while he was FTA. She was working back then as a street hooker and helped me with information but ended up being brutalised and left for dead by Benito Ramirez. I helped her get a job as a filing clerk for Vinnie and we formed a friendship based on a mutual love of donuts and shopping.

"Joe and I split up last night."

"Again? Huh, wonder how long it will be for this time?" Connie was known for her sarcastic sense of humour, but this sounded a little harsh to me. Maybe I was a bit sensitive this morning?

"Nah, we are over for good this time. I've decided to make some pretty big changes anyway, so this is kind of a good time to do it."

"Whaddya mean?" asked Lula.

"I'm heading off on a road trip, I'm basically going to drive until I hit the beach somewhere warm."

"Hey, you go girl!" Lula sounded so excited for me. Everyone was being so supportive, maybe I really did need to get away? "So what, you gonna hook up with Batman now?"

"No, this is just for me, I'm going on my own. Ranger and I aren't together."

"Well you know this means he is fair game! I've had my eye on that man for years! He's gonna need some Lula lovin' with your skinny ass being gone."

Ummmm, no.

"I bet Cat Woman will be bouncing in his bed again soon too!"

What? Jeanne-Ellen Burrows AKA Cat Woman. Blonde, beautiful, stacked, ex-Army, bounty hunter for Les Sebring and, according to rumour, Ranger's ex-girlfriend. I hated her because she was everything I wasn't and because, according to her, she and Ranger still had a "thing". Way to make me feel better Lula!

"That's up to him Lula, we aren't together," I maintained firmly. "He is my friend and that's all it's ever going to be."

"Way I hear it girl, you had no hope with Batman anyways, his fine ass is waiting for Cat Woman to come back to town. You shoulda jumped all over him while you had a chance."

"It was never like that…"

"Yeah, and he puts his tongue down your throat to take your temperature in the alley." Connie and Lula dissolved into giggles.

"Thanks Lula, that was fucking hilarious. I'm leaving tomorrow morning so I won't have a chance to drop in again. You guys will look after my regulars for me, won't you?"

"No problem white girl, me, Dougie and Mooner have a blaze, M*A*S*H and munchies marathon set for tomorrow."

"Yeah, right, thanks Lula. See ya Connie."

I left, feeling as though the girls weren't really my friends after all. They were close work colleagues, absolutely, but I couldn't consider them as close friends anymore. Maybe I was just a source of gossip for them, just like the Burg wives?

I headed to Mary-Lou's house next. Mary-Lou and I had been best friends since elementary school. Mare's reaction to my plan was exactly what I needed from my friend. She was super excited for me, jealous I was getting away from everything, wished she could come too and pissed off at Joe and Ranger for hurting me. She also agreed that I needed to work on my own sense of worth.

"You are one in a million Steph. I love you, I am crazy jealous of you and I hope this works for you."

We cried over coffee and she walked me to my car.

"I'll miss you Steph, but you need this. Go and fly." Tears blurred my vision; have I mentioned how much I love my best friend?

"I'll miss you too Mare. I love you."

I left Mary-Lou's at 10.30 and drove to Rangeman to say goodbye to the guys.

I parked in the car park in my normal spot, next to Ranger's Porsche. I took the elevator to Level 2 to Hector's domain. Hector is Rangeman's technology wizard. There is no computer system he cannot hack, no phone system he cannot bug and no alarm system he cannot circumvent. He is an ex-gang member who ran into Ranger, literally, during a stake-out. Hector wanted out of the gang life and Ranger saw his potential immediately. Heavily tattooed, with a muscular wiry build and possessing knife skills that could only be described as extraordinary, Hector was a force to be reckoned with. He was also one of my greatest allies at Rangeman. Hector lived a solitary life both in and outside Rangeman, speaking only Spanish meant that most of the other guys didn't communicate with him, which suited him perfectly. Hector installed my alarm system at my apartment, which I ended up disarming with a bullet when it pissed me off. I caught him smirking at me while I was arguing with Ranger before a distraction which started me thinking he understood more than he let on. I started watching him during briefings and noticed that his face started to react to what was being said before the person translating repeated it in Spanish. Nothing fires me up more than a challenge, so I decided the next time he and I had monitor duty together I would get him to admit he could understand English perfectly. I laughed at the memory, even after all these months. We had started the night with our usual combination of sign language, Google Translate and my poor Spanish learnt from watching Dora with my nieces. Then I started 20 Questions. Nothing. No reaction to "have you ever" or "would you like to" questioning. The more ridiculous I got, the more I made myself laugh, but there was barely a hint of a smirk from Hector, until I pulled the magic rabbit out of my imagination and asked whether he would be interested in a threesome with me, him and Lester together. Wow. He cracked up laughing and said in perfect English "Hell yeah Angelita!" Busted! From that day onward Hector and I became friends and allies.

I told Hector I was leaving to go on a road trip.

"How many trackers do I have on me Hec?"

"Four Angelita, one on your car, your phone, your necklace and the pen in your bag. Plus your panic button."

"OK. I'm leaving them all behind. I don't want Ranger tracking me when he is one of the reasons I'm leaving."

"Is this something I want to know more about?" His eyes narrowed in that way that told people think he could be dangerous. Which, I guess, he was but never to me. "Did he hurt you?"

"No, Hec, nothing like that. He just told me a few home truths that I needed to know. He also told me why he couldn't be in a relationship with me, which really hurt, but at least I know now."

"I can't believe he told you about that."

"What do you mean, Hec?" I queried, my curiosity piqued.

"Well, he is really closed off about his personal life…"

"He finally told me he didn't think I could be faithful in a relationship because I had been cheating on Joe with him. I always said to myself that I would never cheat, but I had been doing it all this time. I feel like shit Hector, and I broke Joe's heart. I'm getting away because I hate myself and what I have become here. I feel like the best thing to do is go away, sort myself out and come back when I feel like I have my life together."

"How are you going to feel if both Joe and Ranger are with other people when you get back?"

I sighed, digging down deep to the honest truth I kept shying away from. "With Joe, I'm okay. He needs someone in his life that I just can't be. He wants a stay at home momma for his kids, someone more like my sister than me. I don't want to get married again or have kids. Me staying with him all this time when we both wanted totally different things out of our relationship was just wrong. With Ranger, it would break my heart."

"Why?"

"I'm in love with him Hec, I have been for a really long time."

"Have you told him?"

"I can't. He doesn't want a relationship with me and I can't be with someone I don't love. I'm just not wired for casual sex. Wish I was, god I wish I was! He's right though, I need to sort my own shit out before I can hope to find someone who can love me. I'm getting away so I can work out what I want out of life without having to worry about the gossip, the calls to my Mom, Joe and Ranger, being in the papers again. I know it's selfish but I need to focus on myself, not them. I need to learn how to like myself, without a man in my life to save me when I fuck everything up, again."

"Will you take a tracker, for me?"

"I really want to cut all ties with Rangeman for a while. Look, is there a panic button you can give me that will go just to you, or someone you trust if you have to take off somewhere?"

"No problem. I'll leave it in your glove box when I take out the tracker on your car."

"Thanks Hector. I'll miss you."

"You look after yourself and promise me you'll call if you need anything."

"I will."


	5. Ranger

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

AN: Thanks as always to JazMitch for editing, improving and encouraging.

**Chapter 5: Ranger  
><strong>

From Hector's workshop on level 2, I headed back to the elevator and went up to level 5 where the control room and offices were.

I headed straight into Ranger's office. The door was open and Tank was there as well. I took a deep breath.

"Ranger, Tank, can I have a few minutes with you both, please?"

"Sure Babe, what's up?"

"Ranger, I've been doing some thinking and as it turns out I completely agree with everything you said. Tank, Ranger'll have to fill you in, I can't go over it again now. Anyway I've decided I'm going to take some time off and go away, so I want to resign, effective immediately." I inwardly patted myself on the back for keeping my voice steady through that.

"Where are you heading Steph?" asked Tank.

"I'm going to drive until I hit a beach, basically. When I get there I'll sort out the shit that is flying around in my head and then I'll come back."

"If that's what you want to do, Babe, all I ask is that you keep your gun and trackers –"

"Ah, no Ranger," I refused calmly. Now for the hard part. "Part of this is letting go of my past and getting over my issues. I can't do that if I know that every move is being tracked. I will have my gun on me at all times, but these will be staying here with you." I placed my mobile phone, necklace and tracker pen on his desk. "I'll pick up a new phone and I'll let you know the number. Too many crazies have the old one. I'll text you to check in every now and then, but that is it. I can't keep relying on you to come flying in and rescue me. I know this sounds selfish, but this break is all about me getting to know and like myself again."

Tank came over and gave me a huge hug. I felt so small in his enormous arms.

"I'll miss you Little Girl." He said softly, before kissing my cheek. "I'm so proud of you for doing this. Stay safe." Warmth filled my heart.

"I'll miss you too Big Guy."

Tank walked out of Ranger's office and closed the door gently behind him. Ranger walked across the room and took my hands.

"You make sure you keep yourself safe. I know I'm part of the problem and I know why you need to do this. I'm sorry I hurt you. I hope you find what you are looking for."

"Me too Ranger, I'm looking for myself."

He gave me a hug and kissed me on the forehead. I walked out of his office and closed the door behind me. That's when it all hit home. I realised there never had been any hope for a relationship between us. If Ranger was in love with me, he would never let me go like his. He doesn't want me the way I want him, or the way I am. I had no intention of changing myself to please a man - that was what Joe had expected and look where that landed me, Disasterville with a stopover in Egypt. Strangely, I wasn't as devastated by this realisation as I thought I would be. Interesting.

I sent a text to Lester to find out where he was. He responded almost immediately telling me he was in the gym. Les was in the army with Ranger and he was also my best friend, right up with Mary-Lou. As I walked to the gym, I ran through happy memories of hanging out, his support for me, true friendship. Lester is gorgeous, a confirmed playboy who entertains the Rangeman team, me included, with tales of his exploits. He seems to have a different woman every weekend and his little black book is a thing of legend. Les told me one night after far too many mojitos that he had been in love, true love, but it didn't work out. He had been playing the field ever since and had confessed that the only women he truly respected were his aunts, Maria (Ranger's mother) and Ella. And me. Knowing that he respected and genuinely liked me for me was something that made my heart soar. I told Lester everything except my planned destination. For some reason I held that back, just saying I was heading south towards the beach. I think of everyone, Lester understood the reason why I was leaving. He knew I was in love with Ranger. He knew I needed to sort myself out, I mean how long could I keep going around in some ridiculous love triangle, not resolving anything? My life sounded like one of those novels where I would have been screaming at the author to resolve the damn situation and move the hell on! I promised Les I would stay in touch. I left in tears, but happy to know I had a friend I could count on for anything.

I headed to the mall to get some things I would need on my trip. I picked up a sleeping bag (just in case), a new lap top and a so-called smart phone, connected to a healthy data plan so I could use pocket Wi-Fi. No trackers either. I went to the food court and, remembering my plan, picked up a turkey and salad on pita, with avocado instead of butter. And, yeah, it tasted fantastic and I actually felt like I had energy afterwards instead of wanting to slip into a food coma. Interesting. I headed home and spent the afternoon packing.

I decided to pack only the essentials. Well, my version of the essentials. In my big suitcase I packed a couple of the better (less slutty) distraction outfits I kept from my work with Rangeman and my favourite casual and exercise clothes, plus a couple of options for going out to clubs or bars. I packed some travelling clothes and one good outfit, plus a few changes of underwear, a pair of bathers and my jammies into an overnight bag. I packed my work boots, Chucks, knee high black boots in both high and low heels, my runners, flip flops and a selection of my favourite heels into another case. I'd wear my favourite driving shoes, a pair of skate shoes that were so comfortable they felt like slippers. I packed the rest of my shoes in boxes to store at my parents' house. I sent my dad a message to ask him to grab them when he could. I was NOT losing my shoe collection to my Grandma. Next stop was lingerie and bathing suits, which filled my gym bag. I bagged up the rest of my clothes to send to goodwill, then I headed into the bathroom. I looked at the construction zone that was my bathroom vanity, especially my makeup and hair products. Did I really need to use that much to make myself presentable? I looked in the mirror, closely. Who are you, really Stephanie Plum? I decided I really didn't like myself or the way I had been living my life up to this point. It all changes here. I usually packed my makeup and hair stuff in a small suitcase, I needed that much stuff. It was time to stop covering myself in war paint and 20 coats of mascara to make myself feel confident. I needed to stop hiding my fears behind my lashes. I grabbed the small makeup case I used to take on distractions with Rangeman and used that to pack all the makeup I would take. Everything else went in the trash. I also packed my hair serum from Mr Alexander's, hair dryer, shower stuff and shaver and threw them into my overnight bag with my makeup. Ranger's Bvlgari shower gel was left behind for Grandma. She'd love that. Ranger would hate it. Sorted.

I called Pino's for a pizza delivery – what the hell, it's my last night in Trenton for a while. I grabbed a six pack from the fridge and put it in a bag with Rex's food, tucked Rex's tank under my arm and went down to Dillon's apartment. I dropped off Rex and the beers at Dillon's, thanked him again for babysitting and headed back upstairs. I spent my last night in Trenton reminiscing, drinking, eating pizza. On my own. Kind of poetic if you ask me.


	6. Leaving

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** Thank you everyone for reading and reviewing, I really appreciate any and all feedback. This is a very short chapter but it marks the start of Steph's road trip. The next chapter will be posted on Friday.

My thanks as always to the incredibly talented JazMitch.

**Chapter 6: Leaving  
><strong>

I woke up at 4am. I glared at the clock and then decided there was no point going back to sleep, I was wide awake. I stripped the bed and remade it with fresh sheets for Grandma. I showered, changed and packed my truck. I only bought it last month and I absolutely loved it. It was a black Chevy Trailblazer with 76,000 miles on the clock. The previous owner had added a state of the art Bose sound system that I had given an extensive workout since the day I picked it up. It was the perfect driving car. I cleaned my apartment for my Grandma so she would just have to move her stuff in and at 7am I called my parents and told them I was coming over. I checked that everything was switched off and said goodbye to my apartment. I locked the door, feeling anxious and incredibly excited.

I drove to my parents' house and was greeted by Mom, Daddy and Grandma standing on the porch. Mom had a coffee in a takeaway cup ready for me. She knew me so well.

"OK, I promise to call or text you every night until I get settled somewhere. Grandma, everything is ready for you, you'll just need to stock the kitchen."

"Thanks baby girl, your Mom and I will head over this morning and make a shopping list. When is the rent due?"

"It's paid for the next three months, so you don't need to worry until then."

"You didn't have to -"

"Yes I did Grandma. OK, this is it." The tears started again. I took a deep breath. "I'll miss you so much, but I really need this."

Daddy hugged me first. "I love you pumpkin, be safe, have fun and trust yourself."

Tears were running down my cheeks.

Grandma grabbed me and hugged me so tight I could barely breathe. "I love you too baby girl. I am so proud of you. Go find what it is that makes you want to fly."

Yep, I was crying too hard to talk. I was being a complete sook.

I turned to my Mom who had tears running down her cheeks as well. "I'll miss you. Be safe, call me and your father whenever you can. I love you and I'm so proud of you. Try to keep a diary of your adventure for me, so I can share your journey when you get back."

She handed me a beautiful leather bound journal. And that was game over for even remotely trying to control my emotions. I hugged her until I could get myself back under control.

"Good bye. I love you all so much. I'll message you tonight."

It was time to hit the road. I started the car and drove down to road, waving madly to my family. As I hit the freeway and headed towards the Pennsylvania Turnpike my sadness at leaving dissipated and the excitement started building again. This was it! My new life began now. I turned up the stereo and _Battery _by Metallica blared. Hell yeah!

My aim for day one was to drive from Trenton to Roanoke, VA. I wanted to get some distance between me and home before I started working on myself. It took me just over eight hours to get there, and I was exhausted by the time I stopped for the night. I stayed overnight at the Country Inn on Plantation Road. According to a quick internet search they provide a cooked breakfast and fresh, homemade cookies. Sold. I grabbed my overnight bag, parked and locked my truck and headed for the reception desk. They had a room available for me and, be still my heart, a heated indoor pool. The owner had a collection of menus for local restaurants available at reception, which I rifled through until I found a Chinese restaurant that would deliver. I headed to my room and ordered schezuan beef with steamed vegetables, remembering my goal of eating healthier. Although honey chicken with rice sounded amazing, maybe with some fortune cookies to munch on afterwards, I channelled my inner strong Steph and chose the healthier option. The person at the restaurant said it around an hour for delivery, which suited me perfectly. Lazy Steph would have flopped onto the bed and napped until dinner arrived. Strong Steph decided it was time to kick ass. I changed into my swimsuit, covered up with a pair of yoga pants and a Rangers jersey and went for a swim. I swam laps of the indoor pool for half an hour then headed back to my room exhausted and ravenous to take a quick shower before dinner arrived. The food was amazing, possibly the best Chinese takeaway I have ever had. The fact I was hungry enough to eat a small cow probably made it all the more better. After clearing my mess, I changed into my pjs and fell into an exhausted sleep.

I woke up the next morning at 6.30, took a quick shower and dressed in jeans and a red t-shirt. I walked to the dining room for breakfast and ate until I had to unsnap my jeans; hey, eating better was a work in progress, okay?! I went back to my room, packed up and checked out just before 8.

I set my sights on Chattanooga as my goal for day 2. It was an easy seven hour drive, including stops, through some absolutely spectacular scenery. I made myself a promise I would come back here someday (what's with all this someday shit?), but for now I was heading to the beach and a kick start to a new me.


	7. San Marcos

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**Chapter 7: San Marcos**

Over the next three days I drove through Jackson, Shreveport (yes, I had a moment imagining Eric and Alcide from the Sookie Stackhouse books, oh be still my heart!) and headed toward San Antonio. I did a lot of soul searching as I drove. Did I really love Joe? Yes, but I wasn't in love with him, it was more the kind of love that grew from our long, long history together. Do I love Ranger? Yes. Am I in love with him? Another yes. Okay, that's a problem, he doesn't love me. Could I be with someone who doesn't love me? No, I don't want to get hurt. Could I deal with Ranger being with someone else? Ouch, that hurt. Badly. I was driving through San Marcos, TX, and decided to make an early stop for the night. I checked into a motel that had a restaurant on one side and a bar on the other. Perfect. I could go and get a quiet meal then get drunk. Exactly what I needed tonight. I checked in and, knowing I needed a bit of a break and that I was going to write myself off completely, I pre-paid for three nights. I took my overnight bag into my room and settled in. Feeling particularly homesick, I called my Mom. 

"Plum Residence." 

"Hi Mom." 

"Stephanie! How are you? Where are you? Is everything okay?" 

"I'm great, just a bit homesick. I stopped early tonight, I'm in Texas, near San Antonio. Everything is fine, I was just doing some thinking and got a bit emotional." 

"What got you upset?" 

"I was thinking how I would handle Ranger being with someone else. I am in love with him, Mom. What should I do?" 

"Honey, this trip was all about you getting strong again. If you come home now, what would change?" 

I thought for a moment. "Nothing, nothing at all. Thanks Mom, that's exactly what I needed." 

"So tell me, what's it like there? I've never been to Texas!" 

We chatted for another twenty minutes or so about general things. 

"Stephanie, I have to go, I need to pick up your Dad from the Lodge." 

"Okay Mom. I love you, and I'll talk to you soon." 

"Love you too, bye." 

I took a shower and dressed in jeans, a black spaghetti-strap tank top and black high heeled boots that I pulled out of my case. I did a fifteen minute hair and make-up job, leaving my hair to dry naturally with the help of Mr Alexander's miracle serum and applied my new "going out" makeup of a swipe of powder, smoky grey eyes, one coat of mascara and matte red lips. I was too vain to go out looking like crap but wanted to leave the Jersey Girl look far behind. I ate steak and green salad at the restaurant, wanting to eat a bowl of fries with extra salt but remembering that I had made a commitment to eat healthier. When I had finished, I walked over to the bar. I sat at a table in the corner with my back to the wall, remembering Ranger and Lester's coaching on personal safety. The bar had a stage in one corner, with tables scattered across the floor and chairs arranged so everyone could watch the band performing. The band was a trio playing acoustic rock, and they sounded pretty good to me. There was a pool table in the corner opposite the stage and a bar running along the other wall. The waitress came over to take my order. 

"You on your own tonight sweetie?" 

"Yup, just me." 

"Okay hon, well, I'm Mary-Alice and I'll look after you tonight. Our cook is sick so I can only offer you fries, burgers and snacks from the menu if you are after food." 

"No kidding? Mary-Alice? That is my niece's name! I'm ok for food, just had dinner, but a beer would be great. Do you have Stella Artois?" 

"Sure hon, I'll bring it over for you. We're pretty quiet tonight so just sing out if you need anything." 

Mary-Alice brought over a beer for me, which I nursed while I watched the band and thought some what I wanted out of my life some more. A group of mid-thirties guys came in mid-way through the band's killer performance of "Dolphin's Cry" by Live. They headed over to the pool table, but I noticed one of them watching me while he played. Mary-Alice brought over another beer when she noticed mine was getting low. 

"Those guys are okay, hon." Wow, Mary-Alice had ESP. 

"Thanks Mary-Alice," I grinned. "I don't go out on my own all that much and I was getting a little nervy." 

"What are you doing here on your own?" she asked amiably. "You should have yourself a man to keep you company." 

"Ahh, that's the problem. The one I'm in love with doesn't love me back." 

"Well then why are you wasting your time on him?" 

"You know, that's a mighty fine question. Why did I waste years on him?" 

"Must have had something going for him!" 

"In spades, Mary-Alice, in spades!" 

We both laughed. More people had been coming in and Mary-Alice worked the other tables taking care of the patrons as well as she looked after me. She would be raking in the tips tonight, no doubt. She had a way of making you feel like you had known her forever. 

The door opened and a couple walked in and sat at a table across from mine. The girl looked in her early twenties and the guy in the late thirties, but as soon as I saw his eyes my spidey sense went off. He had dead eyes. 

Mary-Alice went over to take their order and the girl greeted her like an old friend. She brought them back a beer each and a shot of tequila for him. One beer for me and three beers and shots for them later, the band took a break. The singer approached their table and greeted the girl with a hug and kiss. She mentioned she would catch up with him later. As he walked off, the guy turned to her and grabbed her on the arm. 

"What the fuck was that? Are you going to screw him later?" 

"N-n-no Steve. He's someone I know from college. We're friends." 

"You will not speak to other men. You are with me, I won't tolerate you acting like a whore." 

Whoa, control issues Mister! I thought. The girl looked nervous. He was speaking to her quietly bit without the band playing I could hear enough to follow the conversation. 

"Steve, I want to be with you but I don't like you being like this. You're scaring me. Please, let go of my arm." 

He let her go but pulled her chair closer to him and wrapped his arm around her. My spidey sense went through the roof. 

"No-one talks back to me. You are my woman, you will behave or there will be trouble." 

Asshole, who speaks to women like that? Then I noticed his hand up her skirt. 

"Steve, stop. Don't, no-" 

She started to struggle and tried to move away but he held her tight. 

"If I want your pussy I will fucking have it. You will not tell me to stop or I will fucking hurt you!" 

She frantically looked around for help, trying to catch the bouncer, bartender or waitress with no luck. I decided to put on my big girl panties and step in. 

I sauntered over to their table and leant across, making sure to flash my cleavage, brought to you tonight by Victoria's Secret. 

"Why, hey there big guy," I said in hopefully the most seductive voice I could manage. "Whatcha say I join you two for some real fun?" 

My boobs and brazen approach distracted him enough to release the tight grip he had on the girl. As soon as I saw he had let her go, I decked him with (on reflection) a lucky punch straight in the nose. I was angry enough to swing with everything I had, and the little training the Merry Men had given me was enough that I knew how to punch without breaking my hand. The bouncer and bartender came over and threw him outside. When I turned back to the girl, she was being comforted by Mary-Alice. 

"Thank you so much, he was hurting me bad," she said in a tearful voice. 

"My pleasure, he was an asshole!" My eyes narrowed in disdain as my temper flared at the thought of him forcing himself on this poor girl. 

Mary-Alice laughed. "Yep, he sure was! Chrissy, you come on back into Oscar's office and relax for a little while. I'll call your sister and get her to pick you up." Mary-Alice walked Chrissy through a door marked "Staff Only", towards the office. 

The bartender walked over towards me. He looked around 40 years old, about 6 foot 4 inches tall and built like one of the Merry Men. Something about the way he carried himself screamed ex-military to me. 

"Thanks for helping out my niece, Miss-?" 

"I'm Stephanie, please call me Steph." 

"I'm Oscar Moreno. Chrissy is my niece and tonight was her first date with that fucker." 

"Trust me Oscar, it was my pleasure to deck him. What a pig!" 

"Yep, you are dead right." He smiled at me, his eyes reflecting his appreciation. "Can I offer you a beer as some way of saying thank you?" 

"No, thanks Oscar. But I would kill for a coffee if that is not too much trouble?" 

"Come on over to the bar and I'll make you the best coffee you have ever had." 

"That's a big claim, hope you can back it up!" 

Oscar had a professional looking coffee machine behind the bar. He started brewing an espresso while I planted my backside on one of the barstools. He looked up at me half way through. "You know, you look like a macchiato girl, with two sugars." How did he know that? 

He placed the macchiato in front of me and I breathed in the delicious aroma. I took a sip and moaned in pleasure. 

"So I take it you like it?" Oscar watched me sip the coffee with a grin on his face. 

"Where on earth did you learn to make coffee this good?" 

"I lived in Italy for a couple of years and got addicted to real coffee." 

"My dad is Italian but we can only get coffee like this at his lodge, one of his friends was a barista in Calabria." 

We started discussing our favourite Italian foods and found we shared a love of eating, although Oscar also seemed to share Ranger's love of exercise which was something I hoped to replicate someday. We kept talking right through to closing time, and although our conversation was somewhat fragmented when Oscar had to serve customers, we were quickly developing a great rapport and building towards becoming friends. My spidey sense told me I could trust him, so when he asked if I wanted to hang around after closing time to chat some more, I agreed. 

"You're not driving anywhere, are you?" Oscar asked. 

"Nope, I am within staggering distance." 

"You look like you need a friend right now. I'll walk you home, but now, sit, take a load off and spill." Oscar pulled out a bottle of tequila and grabbed some beers and we sat at the table next to the bar and proceeded to get smashed. 

"Nice hit on the asshole that was hurting Chrissy, by the way." Oscar grinned at me. "You don't look like the kind of girl that could flatten a buy with one hit. You got some training behind you?" 

"Not a whole lot. Back home I was a bounty hunter and I sometimes worked with a group of ex-military guys. One of them saw me punch a skip and hurt my wrist, so he made sure I knew what to do next time." 

"I would never have pegged you as a bounty hunter. Are you down here for work?" 

"Nah, I'm taking some time off to get my shit together. I have a couple of issues to deal with before I head home." 

"No guy waiting for you?" 

I poured myself another shot, needing some Dutch courage before answering this one. "I had two and screwed it up royally with both. One wanted me to turn into a baby-producing Suzy Homemaker clone and the other one has a life that doesn't lend itself to relationships, or at least a relationship with me." Tears again, God when will they stop? 

"Sounds like you have a complete cluster fuck going on back home. How about we leave that topic alone for a bit?" 

I nodded furiously in agreement. We both finished our beers and Oscar went behind the bar to get some more.

"So tell me Miss Steph, are you a Beatles or Elvis girl?" 

"Elvis, always Elvis. That man could turn a girl to stone with one swivel of his hips." So I might have had a good buzz going now, sue me. "Star Wars or Star Trek?" I countered, getting into the swing of things. 

"Star Wars, no question. Princess Leia at Jabba's Palace, oh yeah, no contest. Okay, Mariah Carey or Metallica?" 

I snorted my beer rather ungracefully. "Are you kidding me? Metallica! There will be no Mariah Carey screeching in my presence! Strawberry or chocolate ice-cream?" 

"There is nothing that can surpass chocolate! The only thing better than chocolate is tiramisu!" 

"Oh my god..." I moaned. "I could kill for tiramisu right now!" 

"Tell you what Steph, come back tomorrow night at 4 and I'll cook you an early dinner. How's osso bucco and tiramisu sound?" 

"Ohhhh that sounds amazing! You've got yourself a deal! Did you learn to cook in Italy as well?" 

"Yeah, I was in the military and used it as a way to decompress after..." 

"I get it, believe me. Some of my friends back home still run missions and they always need time to get back to their regular lives after. They are such incredible guys, they risk their lives for our country and then get treated like they are scary thugs when they get home." 

"Sounds like you actually understand Steph. It's a fucked up life that has killed every relationship I've ever had. How 'bout I walk you home? No strings, I just want you to be safe so I can feed you tomorrow." 

"Sounds great, Oscar. I'm staying next door." 

He laughed. "Perfect staggering distance. Let's go." 

We walked the short distance in comfortable silence. When we got to the reception area, Oscar asked, "Are you okay from here?" 

"Sure. Thanks for walking me back. Are you sure about tomorrow?" 

"Absolutely, I want to feed someone who appreciates real food, not twigs and bark." 

I dissolved into a fit of giggles. "That's what my friend back home eats, he tells me his body is a temple. Me, I'd rather die happy." 

"Me too Steph. Come over tomorrow around 4 and bang on the staff door around back. Sweet dreams Steph." 

"Night Oscar." 

I walked back to my room and locked the door behind me. After a quick shower and a couple of Advil to ward off the hangover, I fell into a dreamless sleep. 


	8. Meanwhile, back at the ranch

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** This "between the chapters" chapter is dedicated to Margaret and Laura. Thank you both for the encouragement, it means so much.

Time-wise, this takes place after Steph has left the bonds office. Vinnie invites us into his warped little mind.

**Warning: **This chapter is from Vinnie's POV – offensive language ahead.

**Chapter 7.5: Meanwhile, back at the ranch…**

Vinnie Plum's POV

Most people think I'm a perv. Yeah, so what? I like porn and I make a fucking fortune distributing interesting little films to a select group of likeminded individuals. Or I could just say I sell skin flicks to perverts with a stack of cash. Don't matter to me, no-one gets hurt and we all get a happy ending when it's all said and done. Besides, Vinnie Plum don't give a fuck what people think.

My true love in life ain't porn, ducks or anything like that. It's my wife, Lucille. She's happy to turn a blind eye to my "activities" as long as I keep it all away from home and don't touch Joyce anymore. Fine by me, I've already had my fun with her. My solitary aim in life is to keep my balls safe from my wife's father, Harry the Hammer. Not only is he family, he's fuckin' FAMILY. The capital "F", skin you alive and bury you in concrete kind that scares the crap outta me whenever he and "the boys" come round to visit his precious baby girl. Right now though, the family that is on my mind is the one with the little "f".

My cousin Stephanie has been working for me for years. She thinks it's because she blackmailed me with the duck story. Actually it was the threat of her telling Harry about Madame Zaretsky, he'd kill me for moving in on his turf. But the duck? Not actually true but it helped build my rep in the biz. Steph turned out to be a competent bounty hunter, but the girl had no idea of just how good she could be. She's got a heart of gold but absolutely no common sense.

I switched on the monitor for the cameras and microphones I had running in the reception area of the bonds office. Ranger had fitted the monitoring equipment a few months ago after I overheard a few conversations I . The equipment was completely out of sight, but I still hid a few bugs around the office for shits and giggles, just to see Connie down on all fours searching for them.

Connie's from another capital F Family and has worked for me for years. Harry won't let me fire her for sitting on her ass all day painting her nails cause he owes her Uncle Carmine a favour. Connie was, right now, sitting at her desk painting her nails some bright pink colour. Thinking Lucille would love it, I zoomed in on the bottle to get the name so I could order it. It was called "Girls Love Ponies" – kind of appropriate given the kind of movies I produce. This camera is the shit. I could zoom in close enough to see that Connie would need a moustache wax in a couple more days. She was flicking through a magazine, no doubt bought with my petty cash.

Sitting on the awful brown fake leather couch against the wall was the fat ass bane of my existence, Lula. I hired her after Steph begged me. She just wanted to get Lula off the streets after what that psycho Ramirez did to her. I didn't care about the money, the wages were a tax deduction. Right now though, I was rather interested in what the girls were talking about. Lula and Connie had given Steph their usual shit when she said she was getting out of town, but when Lula said she was going to make a play for Ranger I almost pissed myself laughing. Thank Christ my office is noise-proof! Ever since Steph left the office, the venomous bitches sitting in my reception area had been bad mouthing her. I sat back and watched the circus unfold.

"I'm tellin' ya Connie, I'd give white girl a week, tops." Lula said in her brash voice. "She's a fuckin joke. There's no way she will last on her own and she'll be back begging for help in no time."

"You got that right. I can't believe she didn't even bring donuts this morning." Connie shook her head in apparent disgust. "Little miss high and mighty thinks she's too good for us? So when are you gonna make your move on Batman?"

"That boy gives me a hot flash just thinking about him." They both paused to fan themselves before Lula continued. "I've seen him lookin' at me when he comes in here. Boys like him appreciate a real woman and I bet with her gone he'll be looking for some brown sugar."

"Do ya think he ever wanted Steph?"

"Nah, no way. She was always back and forth with Supercop, he was just lookin for a bit on the side. Not that I'd mind being his bit on the side." Lula stopped to fan herself again. "I need donuts if we're gonna be talking about Batman's fine ass all morning."

"Wait til Vinnie heads out, I'll order them online though his office account." And that explained why my stationery costs were so fucking high. "Krispy Kreme alright?"

"Fuckin-A," Lula agreed.

"You know, we're gonna have to hire Joyce while Steph's gone."

"Yeah, I know. Bitch."

I stopped and thought about Joyce, her fake tits and even faker orgasms. She was off limits but it would be fun to hire her again. Vision of her and Lula fighting over donuts would sell thousands. I could just imagine the lycra and pleather giving way. Little Vinnie liked the idea too.

"So what do ya think happened between Steph and Joe?" Connie continued.

Lula leaned forward and smiled rather smugly. "I heard he found out from one of the new traffic cops that Steph and Ranger were at it again in the alley."

"Who told you?"

"One of the cops I know from when I was a 'ho. I give him info and BJ's, he gets rid of my parking tickets." I knew Lula was feeding information to someone at TPD about Steph. It finally explained why they always knew when she had to drop off a skip covered in crap.

"What's so special about that girl that she's got the two hottest men in Trenton after her?" Connie whined. Jealous much?

"Fucked if I know. She's not that pretty, and she sure as hell ain't got a rack to write home about." Lula hoisted her girls to emphasise the point. "She told me she doesn't do anal or anything kinky, hell she blushed like a virgin every time we talked about anything. What's she got that I haven't?"

"You've got waaaaaay more than her, Lu!"

"Fuckin-A!" Lula laughed. "I'll miss messing with her when we went after skips. Wonder if I could pull the same shit on Joyce?"

"You are the shit girl!" Connie laughed. "The photos of her at TPD covered in garbage? Funniest thing I have ever seen. The Times owe you big for the tip!"

They were both laughing so hard they were crying. And now I was fucking fuming. I knew she had screwed up some of Steph's pick-ups, left her stranded and had endangered her life more than once. But tipping off the journo who hounded her? That was fucking it. No-one messes with my family and gets away with it.

I stormed out of my office and let them both have it.

"You fucking hypocritical bitch! Stephanie saved your fucking life, got you a job and shared her cheques with you and you're sitting here on your fat ass bitching about her?"

"Hang on there mister, who are you calling fat?"

"You, you fat, venomous bitch. And you!" I yelled, turning to face Connie. "She's kept you in a job for the last three years, cause we sure as shit weren't bringing in skips without her. I can't believe the shit you two were saying about her."

"That girl is a fuck-up, and you know it Vinnie!" Connie's face was flushed, I think more from embarrassment at being caught out than anger. "Without Ranger's help she's nothing!"

"That's bullshit and you know it!" I was building up to a full blown rant. Fucking lazy fucking bitches! "That girl would spend her last dollars to buy you two cows lunch and did you ever say thank you? No, you just demanded she do it again and again. And don't think I don't know about the petty cash, Connie. I'm not fucking blind or deaf."

"You know nothing you little perv!" Connie spat.

"Yeah!" Lula chimed in. "Get back in that office before I squash your runt ass like a bug!" The thought of Lula squashing me gave me chills.

"And you think you stand a chance with Ranger?" I couldn't help sniggering. "My God, that is the funniest shit I have heard all week. Ranger wouldn't touch you with my dick!"

"You know you want some Lula lovin' just as much as he does, you're just pissed I turned you down!"

"Yeah you turned me down, but only because I didn't offer to pay you!" So it was a cheap shot, sue me.

"You little fuck!" Lula hauled her substantial ass up off the couch, and the funniest fucking thing happened. After years of watching and waiting, it finally happened. And I had it on tape! She slipped as she was getting up and landed on her ass on the floor. And, to make my day perfect, Lula's massive bazookas made an escape from the tiny tube top she was wearing. Connie rushed over to help her, tripped and ended up face first in Lula's acre of cleavage. I couldn't help it. I fucking laughed. Then I stunned them both for Steph. She'd appreciate that, maybe even bring me a little coffee cake to say thank you. Never let it be said that I don't love my family.


	9. Getting to know you

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** Happy birthday to my oldest son who turns 10 today. Thank you everyone for reading along. We're back to Steph's POV now, still in San Marcos.

My thanks as always to JazMitch.

**Chapter 8: Getting to know you  
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I spent the next day exploring San Marcos. According to the overly-enthusiastic Susan at their Tourist Info Centre the sun shines 300 days a year. Perfection if you ask me. I could do a lot of shopping here too but for now I was utterly charmed by the people and wanted to continue to explore. It was a big place but felt like a small town. I had this misconception of Texas being a dry, arid state. Instead I found the most beautiful water holes, perfect for swimming, and some parks where I knew I wanted to spend more time in the next few days walking and just enjoying the sunshine. I headed back to my hotel room at 3 to get ready. It was a little warmer today, so I dressed in a denim skirt and red short sleeved shirt, paired with black sandals. Casual but still dressy enough for a night out.

At 4 on the dot I knocked on the door at the back of the bar marked "Staff Only". Oscar answered the door wearing a white t-shirt and denim jeans. He was a really good looking guy and yes, of course I checked him out, but I felt nothing but friendship for him. He caught me checking him out and smirked. He knew.

"Hey-ya Steph, how ya doing?"

"I had a great day today and didn't stop for lunch, so I am starving!" As if in agreement, my stomach rumbled loud enough to startle us both.

"Well come on in before that thing hurts someone."

He led me through the back kitchen into the bar.

"Grab a couple of beers and I'll bring out the food," he directed me.

Oscar disappeared into the kitchen and came out carrying two plates of osso buco and a bowl of fresh bread. It smelt amazing.

"Okay Steph, let me know, is this as good as your Grandma's?"

I took a mouthful of the delicious, tender meat and let the flavour coat my tongue. "Oh..my..God…" I moaned. "That is incredible!" I ate more. Sorry Grandma Plum, this is the best osso buco I have ever had! "Can I marry you? I want to eat this forever!"

Oscar laughed. "Sorry gorgeous, you are looking at a confirmed bachelor here. But I could manage another sister to cook for!"

"You're on!" I giggled.

"So tell me more about these guys you are running away from."

"I'll try to cut a long story short. Bachelor One is a cop that I have been involved with on and off since I was 16. We officially broke up just before I left because I didn't want to get married and have kids, plus he found out I had a thing for Bachelor Number Two. Bachelor Two is Ranger, he runs a security firm in Trenton and he's an ex-Army Ranger that I am stupidly in love with, but he tells me his life doesn't lend itself to relationships. Anyway, I'm known for being a walking disaster and for getting my car blown up by crazy skips. I got some basic training from Ranger and the guys who work for him, but I still hate my gun and I tend to puke when I have to run for longer than a minute. Ranger basically told me I need to grow up and sort my shit out. They both agree I can't look after myself and that I'm a monumental fuck up. I left Trenton to work out what I want from life. Short enough for ya?" I felt bad for the moments where my tone turned bitter, but grateful nonetheless that Oscar seemed to understand more than judge.

"Umm, okay. Steph, can you tell me…" Oscar was cut off by the sound of the bar phone ringing. He got up to answer it and came back to the table a couple of minutes later. "Shit, Steph that was my bartender. He called in sick with the flu. With my cook off as well, it's just going to be me and Mary-Alice here tonight. Is there any chance you've worked as a waitress before and could help out?"

"Oscar, I am the worst waitress in the world, but I can tend bar no problem," I offered. "I worked bar right through college usually 3 nights a week, and I have helped out at the bar of our local pizza joint in Trenton plenty of times since. Would that help you?"

"More than you know! I can cook, MA can wait tables and you can tend bar. That will leave Mick on the door so we should be alright for the night. Did you want to run back to the hotel and change?"

"Yeah, I will, thanks. Is jeans with this shirt okay?"

"Thanks Steph. We open at 5.30 until 2. I'll pay you -"

"Tell you what," I interrupted his offer, "you make me dinner tomorrow night and as long as it includes tiramisu, we're even."

"You'll split tips with MA and stay for drinks on the house with MA and I after work, then we are even. Deal?"

"Deal."

We finished our meal and decided to save dessert until after the bar closed. I headed back to my room to change. I threw on my jeans and my low heeled boots that I knew wouldn't hurt after being on my feet all night. I tied my hair back and deemed myself suitable for a night behind the bar.

Fifteen minutes before the bar opened, I was in place behind the counter. Thank goodness for my memory, I had the prices down pat pretty much immediately and pulled a couple of pints of Guinness just to practice. There was a price list next to the register but because most people had table service I wasn't expecting to handle a lot of cash.

Mary-Alice came over and greeted me like an old friend. "Stephanie! Thank you so much for helping out tonight."

"I'm happy to! It feels like I have known Oscar for years and hey, he fed me so this is more than payment enough after a meal like that."

"Osso buco or ravioli?"

"Osso buco… but he makes ravioli too?" I could swear I felt my eyes light up.

"And he makes pasta and bread from scratch," she boasted.

"Ohhhh man… I am moving in!"

Mary-Alice laughed. "Most girls want diamonds and gifts, but it's all about food with you, isn't it?"

"Yup! Lasagne, pineapple upside down cake, gelato, tiramisu, much better than some shiny thing!" I grinned.

"Ahhh, a girl after my own heart. Now we should be fairly quiet tonight. The boys are paying an acoustic set at 10 but aside from that the game tonight should keep most people away. We don't get many requests for complicated cocktails, mostly beer, shots and basic spirits. Shout out to Oscar if you get stuck. The kitchen closes at 10.30 so he'll be here to help after that."

The night flew by. I was able to keep up with most orders, and by 9.30 felt like a pro. The guys from the band arrived and came over to the bar to introduce themselves. Scott, Ben and Nick were all mid-twenties and Ben, in particular, was drop dead gorgeous. I know I had pledged not to get involved with anyone until I had sorted my shit out by I don't think my hormones got the message. Watching him walk away from the bar could be a full time occupation. Any guy who wears those loose, baggy jeans is doing himself a disservice. Give me a pair of well-fitting jeans that hug a guy's ass and I am happy. Team it with a short sleeve shirt that shows off his biceps and I am in heaven. I briefly pictured Ranger in his jeans with a black tee-shirt, then silently admonished myself for thinking of him. The boys took a break after 45 minutes and came over to the bar. Ben was in full flirt mode, eyes fixed on my cleavage.

"So gorgeous, you working here now?"

"Just helping out Oscar."

"Nice hit on the asshole last night, by the way. Nothing sexier than a woman who knows how to handle herself." Eyebrow waggle. Seriously, do all players use that move?

"Leave her alone Ben, she's not on the market." Oscar in protector mode, nice.

"You making a play for her, old man?"

"No, dickhead, just leave her alone."

Scott, the singer, spoke up. "Steph, can you make me some tea with honey and lemon? My voice is killing me tonight. Fucking flu going around."

"You alright Scott?" asked Oscar.

"Yeah man, just getting husky."

I made the hot drink for Scott and added extra honey. Mom had made my sister Val and I go through years of singing lessons and choir, so I knew how awful it was to sing with a sore throat. I hadn't sung in public for years, but maybe, just maybe I should give it a go tonight. There were no more than 30 people in the bar and I was miles from home, so there is no way I could embarrass myself. I took a deep breath.

"Ummm Scott, Oscar? I can fill in if you need?" And I sounded full of confidence too, yay me.

"What, you sing?"

"Years of choir and lessons, plus years of the occasional dodgy pub gig and karaoke nights," I replied.

Scott showed me the set list. "You know these ones? I can do backing and harmony."

"Oscar, would you mind?" I was getting excited. I loved singing but never got a chance to do it unless I was out on a girls' night. Joe never wanted me to sing in public and he never took me to karaoke so I mainly sang in the shower or in the car.

"Go for it Steph. The smile on your face is worth it alone!"

I sat on a stool on the stage with the boys. The set would be fun, all newish songs and fairly easy to cover.

The first one was No Rain by Blind Melon. I loved that song and it was great fun to sing, we even got a smattering of applause when it was over. The boys were really encouraging and Scott even leaned over to compliment me, which made me feel like a million dollars. The time flew by and before I knew it we finished the set with a tribute to my home town, Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi. I felt confident for the first time in ages. I was good at this! I went back behind the bar when we were finished and several of the customers told me how much they liked my singing. Why didn't I do this more often?

The last customers left at 2am, the mandated closing time in town. Being such a small place we had everything cleaned up by half past 2.

Mary-Alice looked over at Oscar and winked. "Schnapps o'clock?" she asked.

Oh boy, this sounded dangerous.

The three of us sat around a table doing shots of schnapps, starting with sour apple. Yum. Turns out MA is Oscar's sister in law, the sister of his ex-wife. MA was also divorced, having been the victim of domestic violence. Oscar took her in when things got bad, taught her how to fight back and gave her a job. The training ended up saving Mary-Alice when her ex-husband broke into her apartment and attempted to rape her.

"I was so scared Steph, but I knew the bastard was drunk and didn't expect me to be able to fight back. Knowing Muay Thai saved me that night, cause I finally had the confidence and the skill to save myself. I ended up dislocating his knee and knocking him out, which felt incredible. He is in prison for assault and attempted rape, plus B&E. I hope he never gets out."

"I wish I could do that!" I cried. "I have been punched, kicked, kidnapped and slapped I don't know how many times. The guys at home have been begging me to get some more training, but they want me to carry my gun all the time. I have had to use it to protect myself before and I hate it, but I wish…"

"What Steph?"

"If I stay in town for a while, Oscar, and work for you, will you train me in Muay Thai, like MA?"

"Honey, I'd be proud to."

Oscar offered me a job for however long I wanted it, as bar tender and part time singer. He confessed he gets up twice a week and plays a set, on Tuesdays and Wednesdays while it is dead quiet and wanted me to sing with him. Wow! I accepted the job, with a few added bonuses for me. Instead of being paid wages, I would be paid in board and meals, plus training and equipment. I'd get to pocket my tips. Oscar had a house in the street behind the bar with a self-contained apartment on the second floor, which would be mine.

The three of us formed a great friendship that night and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I really belonged.


	10. Finding Out

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** Thank you to JazMitch for reading ahead and making vast improvements.

**Chapter 9: Finding Out**

Weeks went by and Oscar, Mary-Alice and I were now incredibly close friends. We caught up after work most nights for a coffee and ate meals together before work. On Sunday nights, because the bar was closed Mondays, we stayed after work for "shots o'clock", basically getting drunk and talking. I worked out with Oscar in the local gym every day and quickly discovered I loved it. We alternated with Muay Thai and strength training and Oscar had me (shock horror) running each day. I had worked up from vomiting after 10 minutes to being able to run for 30 minutes every day. I was stronger, more confident and I had friends who really cared for me.

After the fifth week I worked at the bar, Oscar sat me down one Sunday night and asked Mary-Alice to head home early. He started pouring Cowboy shots, then grabbed a hold of my hand.

"Steph, I need to tell you something that I probably should have told you right from the start."

Oh fuck. "What is it Oscar?"

"Your Ranger fellow, back in Trenton. That's Carlos Manoso, right?"

I was instantly on the defensive. "Have you been talking to him about me? Does he know I'm here? How do you know him?"

"Whoa, one at a time!" He held his hands up in mock surrender. "Manoso and I served together in the Rangers. I got a medical discharge and he stayed in. I haven't spoken to him in a while and as far as I know he has no idea you are here. I thought the Ranger you talked about might be him, but you confirmed it when you told me he said his life doesn't lend itself to relationships. Steph, I think you need to know why, because I know you love him and you're still hoping you guys can get together when you go home. I don't want to see you hurt any more than he has already hurt you, but if he finds out I told you anything about his personal life, he will kill me first and ask questions later."

"I know he is really closed off about his personal life but -"

"Steph, closed off doesn't even come close. I only know this because I was one of the guys who had to deal with his shit after everything went down."

"What do you mean?"

"I think we need some coffee for this." He left the table and went behind the bar to the coffee machine, returning with a long macchiato for me and a double shot espresso for himself. "Alright, promise me he never finds out I talked to you about this."

"You have my word Oscar. What happened?"

"A few years ago, our team were running regular missions, going offshore for a few months, coming back for a month, then going again. It was really hard on the people we had to leave behind, my wife couldn't handle it and it was what made her leave. A couple of the guys were able to maintain their relationships and Manoso was one of them. He was seeing an ex-Army girl who had been on tours, so she understood and accepted the lifestyle. You've known Manoso for how long?"

"Almost 4 years maybe?"

"And in that time, have you met Jeanne-Ellen?"

"Cat Woman?" Oscar broke out in hysterical laughter. I continued once he controlled himself. "Yeah, she's worked on some of high bond skips for the other bonds office in town. What about her?"

"She and Manoso were together for years, they lived together whenever he was back onshore from missions. He rarely talked about his family or her while we worked together, but he told us during a break in the mission briefing before one that he had picked out an engagement ring and was going to propose when he got back. He carried that ring around with him like it was a talisman and I've never seen a guy so determined to make it home. We ended up achieving our objective sooner than planned, so he headed home to surprise her. From what I can work out, he got to her place and walked in on her in the middle of a threesome with her best friend and the friend's husband. He was pretty much fucked up after that. You know Santos?"

"Yeah, Lester is one of my best friends back home."

"I can't believe he didn't tell you anything. Fucker. Anyway, Santos found him passed out drunk, alcohol poisoning. He wasn't in a good way, choking and… yeah, anyway we all got together and helped straighten him out. He started training harder after that and accepted any mission or contract that came his way. When he got enough money behind him, he started doing BEA work and set up his business. From what I hear, the business is a tool to consume his energy when he isn't on missions. I'm surprised he got close to you in the first place."

"Why?"

"Every time we went out, the most beautiful woman in the place would throw themselves at his feet. Sorry to say it, but he would use them for a night or two and if there was any attachment on her part he would kick her out. You would have to be the only woman to get close to him since then."

"We are friends and we slept together once, but that was it. I was with Joe on and off the whole time."

"That's probably why he was okay with you being around. No chance of attachment."

"But I fell in love with him anyway, and Joe and I broke up permanently."

"Steph, he doesn't trust women. If you crossed the line from friends into something else, I'm surprised."

I sat back in my chair and thought about everything. Poor Ranger, I knew how much it hurt to walk in on the person you love cheating on you. Dickie did it with Barnyard and it has screwed me over for years. I still didn't think I would be able to keep a man happy when I couldn't even keep my husband happy for a couple of months. The more I thought about it, the more I understood why Ranger was the way he was. I realised that he only chased me when I was "on" with Morelli. As soon as we were in an off phase he went running or treated me like one of the boys. I probably exacerbated his distrust by allowing him to poach and by constantly running between the two of them. None of this excused what I now understood to be ridiculous behaviour on both our parts, but it did go a long way to explaining it. I had screwed up any hope of a relationship with him by exhibiting the same personality traits as the woman that broke his heart. I also realised I had treated Joe abhorrently - just like Dickie did to me. The truth fucking hurts.


	11. Acceptance

AN: In this little world Valerie is still living in California with Steve.

Thank you all for reading and reviewing, I am absolutely blown away by your feedback.

To JazMitch – I couldn't ask for a better beta.

**Chapter 10: Acceptance**

The weeks turned into months and before I knew it I had been in San Marcos for six months. I was stronger and more confident in my abilities. Oscar is a mean taskmaster and made me work out every day, but now I could honestly say I can defend myself and, if needed, protect others. Aside from Muay Thai, Oscar has been teaching me how to shoot both handguns and a variety of rifles and, my new favourite, a crossbow. Apparently I was naturally a good shot, I just needed to find my zone and shut out the voice in my head that told me I couldn't do anything. He also taught me more hand-to-hand and knife fighting than I ever thought I wanted or needed to know. Take down and escape tactics, including lock picking were things I mastered quickly due to my massive stubborn streak. Plus Oscar rewarded me with food every time I mastered a new technique. The closest thing I have had to an orgasm in months was trying crème brûlée for the first time. Oh….my….god!

News from home was a mixed bag. Rex had died about two months after I left Trenton. I cried buckets when I found out, feeling guilty for leaving him. Dillon was so sweet, he arranged to have him buried at my parents' house and made a little grave marker for him. We talked on the phone for nearly an hour the day after he buried Rex for me and I was reminded of what a great friend he had been for me over the years. We had spent many an evening sharing a six pack and a pizza, developing a friendship as buddies but after months of regular e-mails and talking I really knew what a great guy he was, but boy was he shy and he had awful trouble meeting women. About half way through the call a sudden flash of insight hit – I knew someone who would be perfect for him and would be able to work around his shyness. I asked Dillon if he would mind being set up and as soon as I mentioned Robin Russell's name he was on board. When we were done, I called Mary-Lou and asked her to fix them up as long as Robin didn't mind. Mary-Lou, being a die-hard romantic at heart, was happy to take over the arrangements and promised regular updates. She made me cry when she said she missed me like crazy, then made me laugh because her boys were driving her mad as always and she wanted to run away and stay with me for a few weeks. Not yet but soon, I promised her.

Mom told me that my sister Valerie had called her in tears, saying she thought her husband smelt like perfume after being away for a weekend with his golfing buddies. I had never liked Steve, particularly after he tried to feel me up at their wedding reception, but my perfect sister loved him and had forgiven his indiscretions in the past. Two weeks later, Mom told me she was all smiles again, apparently it was a simple misunderstanding. Hmmm. Daddy just said everything was great, and that he missed me. Grandma was living the high life and had no intention of ever moving out of my apartment and to be honest that didn't worry me in the slightest. It was time I gave up that apartment anyway and set myself up properly and, thanks to Grandma, I could. She also told me that the girls at the bonds office were now best buddies with Joyce. Vinnie had hired her to help out after I left, which had originally irked me but now no longer bothered me. Vinnie had surprisingly turned into an ally. He told me about how nasty Lula and Connie were after I had left the office that last day and about how Lula was going to make a play for Ranger. Does laughing at that make me a bad person? Apparently there is video footage of him confronting the girls but I'm not interested in seeing it. He told me he has been running the office with an iron fist, sending Lula after the worst skips he could find, cutting off the access Connie had to his money, and he was making her pay him back for every cent she used for her own purposes. He also told me he was keeping Joyce on a very short leash, which made me vomit in my mouth a little bit.

Hector and Lester sent me regular updates about life at Rangeman and, in Lester's case, tall tales of their exploits while off duty. Part of me wanted to ask Lester why he never said anything to me about Ranger and Jeanne-Ellen but it wasn't really a conversation for e-mail or phone calls. Next time I saw him, Les and I would be having a very long chat. Hector told me he had "persuaded" Ranger from asking about my location or any trackers. How he did it was something I really wanted to know but he didn't elaborate. Hector had promised to make sure I would be left alone and he was keeping that promise. I missed him.

I hadn't heard from Ranger.

To keep my brain busy when I wasn't working or training, I wrote in my journal and I started learning Spanish. Being so close to the border with Mexico, speaking Spanish became a necessity as most of the bar's cleaning and wait staff, except Mary-Alice, spoke Spanish as their mother tongue and I hated not knowing what they were talking about. Also, I was curious to know just what people were saying when they thought I couldn't understand – this would also help greatly when I got back to Trenton as the guys at Rangeman always lapsed into Spanish when they didn't want me to know what they were saying. After 6 months, I could easily hold conversations in Spanish. I could not wait to surprise Hector!

Mary-Alice taught me meditation, which was helping to keep myself calm and deal with my emotional crap by centring my thoughts and helping to wipe the feelings of inadequacy away. The thing that has helped me deal with my depression the most was finding my psychologist, Debra. With her help, I was able to address and accept being violated as a kid. I also developed strategies to deal with my feelings toward my mother trying to make me perfect, like my sister. The big step forward was learning to accept that the mess I had made of my love life, as well as the rest of my life, was my own to deal with. It was indeed my fault. I learnt strategies to accept and overcome my own limitations and techniques to use when I spoke to Joe and Carlos. Yes, Carlos. Ranger is the guy I built up to be a superhero, the man I placed on a pedestal and thought of as the love of my life. Carlos is the human side of that man, the man I should have gotten to know. The man who has his own issues to deal with and who I had to let go so I could learn to deal with my own shit, on my own.

The other key realisations that came out of my therapy sessions were that I craved love and acceptance and making the people around me happy, often to my own detriment. On reflection I realised I had been sacrificing my own happiness to make others happy, regardless of the consequences. The poaching made Ranger (and me) happy. Buying donuts for the girls at the bond office when I couldn't afford to kept Lula and Connie happy. Getting married to Dickie when I really didn't want to made Mom and Dickie happy and I went back to Joe when I should have broken it off for good years ago, which kept Joe, Mom and my libido happy.

I needed to accept blame, instead of constantly insisting "it's not my fault".

I called Joe one Saturday afternoon and apologised profusely for cheating on him. I admitted I was in the wrong and he agreed. After talking for a while, we both realised our relationship did not and could not work out for a number of reasons. He wanted a Burg wife, who stayed at home and raised their kids. I didn't want that. He admitted he wanted me to be more like my sister Valerie, reliant on her man and willing to stay at home and have babies, even though he knew that was something I never wanted. He also admitted it was partially the chase that kept him coming back even though he knew it wasn't working for either of us.

I did what Debra had advised me to do. I admitted that I kissed Ranger while we were together, and told him that we had slept with each other while he and I were on a break.

"I forgive the sex Steph, we weren't together at the time. But I can't forgive what you called poaching. You cheated and you promised me you would never do that after what Dickie did to you. You fucking broke my heart, you knew I loved you and wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. Actually I'm happy because by talking to you I realise I don't love you anymore. I guess this is closure for me, I can finally move on with my life and find someone who wants me. And Steph, I never cheated. You need to realise how fucked up you were to think that it was okay to do what you did. It fucking hurt."

"I'm so sorry Joe. I never meant to hurt you."

"No Steph, you just never meant for me to find out. Are you going back to Ranger when you come home?"

"No Joe, I fucked up my chances with him by cheating on you."

Silence.

"Joe?"

"I didn't expect to hear that. Do you plan to come back?"

"Not until I work myself out. For what it's worth, I'm really sorry Joe. You deserve to be happy and I'm sorry it wasn't with me."

"I'm just sorry we can't be friends anymore. Goodbye Steph."

"Bye Joe."

I cried a little after the call, mourning the loss of my friendship with Joe. The relationship and love we had shared was rocky, but he had been a constant in my life for a really long time. When it was time to get ready for work I wandered into the bathroom and looked myself in the eye in the mirror. I saw a woman who was physically strong and was getting mentally stronger. I knew I had one more phone call to make before I could finally let go of the emotional baggage I was carrying around. Normally, I would take up residence in Egypt as the Queen of Denial and do nothing, but no longer. I had half an hour until I needed to head to the bar and decided to call Carlos.

Luck was on my side – I got his voicemail.

"Hi, it's Stephanie. Can you please give me a call? I want to talk out the crap between us."


	12. Over

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** Thanks as always to JazMitch for your support and fantastic feedback.

Apologies for the delay in posting, RL is chaos.

_**Previously…**_

_I had half an hour until I needed to head to the bar and decided to call Carlos. Luck was on my side – I got his voicemail._

_"Hi, it's Stephanie. Can you please give me a call? I want to talk out the crap between us."_

**Chapter 11: Over**

I kept my phone on me through my shift, expecting Carlos to call back. Nothing Saturday. Nothing Sunday. Not a peep the next week. Finally, at 5am the following Monday morning, my phone rang. I had never been a morning person.

"This had better be important!" I growled at the phone.

"Hey. It's me." Carlos. Of course it was. I was not ready for this conversation right now, but it had to happen. "Sorry it's early. How are you?"

I yawned and rubbed my eyes, willing myself to wake up enough to talk coherently. "Hey Carlos." I had already decided not to call him Ranger. "Actually, I'm doing alright. I'm working and I've been doing some training. I also started seeing a psychologist. Turns out you were right, I needed some help."

"I'm glad to hear it. Have you worked anything out?"

"I know I fucked up, Carlos. I spoke with Joe last week and apologised for treating him like I did. I know how much I screwed up with him and I know I hurt you by going back to him all the time. I'm so sorry."

"So why did you call me?" Hmmm, that sounded dismissive.

I decided not to tell him about Oscar and what he had told me. My spidey sense told me he wouldn't want anyone else knowing about his past without his knowledge. "I wanted to say you were right, completely right. I was in a really bad place emotionally and I was trying so hard to make everyone else happy…"

"Come on Steph, be honest. For once just tell me exactly what you mean."

My temper flared instantly. "I wanted everything, alright? I wanted the tingles I felt when I was with you. I wanted the stability and acceptance I felt when Joe and I were together. We were comfortable, but there was no tingle, no thrill. We did love each other, but I think we had stopped being in love years ago and now there is nothing at all. I wanted Lula and Connie to be my friends so I spent my food money buying them lunch instead of admitting I was down to my last $7. I wanted my Mom to accept me being happy without a man in my life. I worked out I wanted all of these things because I didn't actually know what I needed."

"And?"

Deep breath, I told myself. Just say it and get it over with. "I wanted you to love me as much as I love you. I know now that you don't. I just wanted to say I am so sorry it went on for so long. You are a good man and you deserve someone in your life who completely supports you and what you do. Someone who loves you unconditionally and without reservation, as much as you love them. I wished that person could be me, but I worked out that even though I loved you, I relied on you to be there for me, to rescue me and dig me out of whatever shit I'd fallen in to. I never gave you my unconditional love because I was constantly tied to Joe. I feel like I contributed nothing to our pseudo relationship outside of some hefty entertainment expenses."

"I think we are both at fault Steph. I told you my life didn't lend itself to relationships, but I know I led you on with my actions, led you to believe I could give you more than I was able to."

"But why? Why couldn't you trust me enough to tell me what you really wanted?"

"I care for you Steph, I have for a long time, but I can't afford to get emotionally involved."

"I think it's time you were a little more honest with me too. What do you want in your life? Do you just want a fuck buddy? Cause that's not me, that's not who I want to be. Do you want me to be your friend? I hope so, because you have always been one of my closest friends, no matter what else has been going on in my life."

Silence….

"Are you in love with someone else?"

"Fuck Steph, I don't want to talk about this over the phone. Where are you, exactly? Can I meet you somewhere?"

"You know what, I think your answer is enough. I think you are in love with someone else, I just wish you had told me sooner, before I fell for you. Please talk to her, explain how you feel and if she can't love you back, it is her loss, not yours. I hope you can work it out because you are too good a man to be on your own for the rest of your life. I'm here if you need to talk but I can't wait for you to love me any more, not if your heart is already taken. Good bye Carlos."

**Ranger POV**

I stared at the phone in my hand for a long time after she disconnected. Stephanie called me on all my closed off, no relationship bullshit at long last. It kind of felt like a relief to have everything out in the open, but fucked if I knew what I wanted. I put the phone down and sat back in my chair. For the first time in years I didn't know what to do.

My office in my apartment at Haywood is my refuge. No one comes in here, not even Ella, so it is the only place where I can have anything personal on display. I looked at the photo of Jeanne Ellen and me on my desk. I don't know why I kept it, after all these years. We looked so damn happy – I was standing in front of my first Porsche with her in front of me, my arms around her waist. She was looking over her shoulder back at me and we looked completely in love. Little did I know. I didn't mind when she had to sleep with someone as part of a job, hell, I had had to do it too. Using sex to gain information was part of the job sometimes and it was something we both excelled at. Jeanne looked breathtakingly beautiful – blonde, curves that could make a man beg and she knew how to use every part of her body to please me.

We had split time between my apartment and her condo in Newark and had been together for almost two years when this shot was taken. Jeanne had finished her contract with the Army and was working for a security firm, specialising in apprehension and personal protection. She surprised me on my birthday by bringing one of her friends along to her condo for a threesome. Just remembering that night still got me hard. Oh yeah, it ended up being a fantasy come true for me, so fucking hot to watch your woman eat another woman while you are fucking her. The three of us went at it all night and ended up _eating_ breakfast together in a way I will never forget. Jeanne told me after that she and Carmen had been together on and off for years and that Carmen was her fuck-buddy for when I was on missions. What I didn't know was that Carmen was married and she brought her husband with her when she and Jeanne got together while I was called offshore. Call me old-fashioned, sexist, whatever, but while I could deal with my woman with another girl while I was there watching, sharing her with another guy when I didn't know or agree to it was too much.

I found out the hard way when I came back early from mission to the Middle East. I didn't call because I wanted to surprise Jeanne with the platinum solitaire ring I had picked up at Tiffany New York before I left. I had carried that damn ring with me through the hell my team went through and I thought that, at long last, I had something worthwhile to come home to. Yeah. When I unlocked the door and snuck into our bedroom, there she was, buried in Carmen while being mounted from behind by the husband. Turns out getting knocked unconscious mid-orgasm while fucking another man's woman is a bit of a distraction. Jeanne and I had a rather heated discussion based on my inability to commit and constantly being away. And of course her being fucked by another man's dick. I can still hear her voice "I was lonely Ricardo! You weren't here, you never are and I needed it!" and my personal favourite "You love the missions, not me! I need a real man, not a memory". She had no idea I was ready to propose. I quickly packed what little belongings I had and walked out.

As much as I hated to admit it, that was one of the reasons why my life no longer leant itself to relationships, the other being the tight hold the government kept on my leash. I let her in, the one time I let anyone all the way in and it left me like a shell. I threw myself into my work and closed off any part of myself that allowed emotional involvement. I drank more than I wanted to admit during that time, except when I was on missions. And I accepted anything the military or alphabet agencies threw at me, I had nothing at home that distracted me from my mission goals and was paid extremely well for losing part of my humanity. In short, I became a cold, ruthless well-paid government weapon. I cut myself off from my family and barely spoke to my daughter or my friends. My routine after coming back from a mission was to drink enough to pass out then throw myself back into building my business. The only people who knew about what happened with Jeanne were Lester, Tank, Oscar and Hector. Lester, my wingman and partner in crime when we cruised bars looking for Miss Right for the Night; Tank, my 2IC and best friend; Oscar, an old team member and Hector, the guy I relied on to keep my business safe.

When I met Stephanie, I originally thought she would be a one-nighter like all the other women since Jeanne. It surprised the crap out of me when we became friends and I started working with her more often. That girl has a heart of gold and accepted my men and me into her heart and treated us like humans, not killing machines. She saw me as a super hero, her Batman. I bled money to give her cars, back up, whatever, but it was worth it because she made me feel light again, instead of being buried in darkness. Steph knew she was important to me, but knew from the start that there was no room in my life for a relationship. Besides, she was already in one. Her relationship with Morelli was just fucked up. They had constantly fought and broken up, then got back together when either of them wanted sex. I worked out a way to get her into bed because I thought it would get her out of my head once and for all. Yeah, no. After that one night together I sent her back to Morelli and she went. My life wasn't my own while the government still had me over a barrel, and there was no way I was going to share a woman ever again. Anyway, if she was ever serious about being with me, she would have sorted her shit out. And because she never trained, never looked at working on herself, we stayed in a pseudo relationship until that night in her apartment when I told her exactly how I felt. I cared about her, yeah there was some love there, lust in spades, but I wasn't going to do anything more about it. There was no way I could ever be in a relationship with someone who didn't value their own life enough to protect themselves, or someone who wasn't 100% committed to a relationship. Jeanne still had a hold of me after all this time and I would never go through that again. Maybe it was time for me to sort out my own shit too?

Time to man the fuck up and take your own advice, Manoso.


	13. Moving On

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** Thanks as always to JazMitch for your support and feedback.

**Chapter 12: Moving On**

**Ranger POV – one month later….**

For the last month, ever since Stephanie's call, I'd spent some serious time thinking about my relationships with both Jeanne Ellen and Stephanie. I came to some harsh realisations after a night of intense therapy with a bottle of Johnnie Blue. Somewhere in my sick, twisted head I still had feelings for Jeanne. It still made me feel angry and betrayed when I thought about walking in on her with Carmen and Franco and it was my inability to move on from those feelings that eventually meant there was nothing left between Steph and I except the failed possibility of a relationship. There had certainly been potential there, but until I dealt with the Jeanne related crap there was nothing that I could allow aside from trying to regain her friendship when she came back to Trenton. The other thing is that even if I was open to a relationship with Stephanie there was no way I could be with someone who didn't have the same values in life as me. Selfish, maybe, but I was not going to change my lifestyle for anyone unless they were willing to change as well. Training, discipline, control. This was the mantra that kept me at my peak for years; that plus knowing how to balance risk and reward. Stephanie had refused physical training for years, regardless of how many times someone got hurt as a consequence of her actions, or inaction. And then there was the back and forth with Morelli. The only benefit of that bullshit situation was that she never fully committed or got too clingy, which suited me well because I wasn't prepared to give up my lifestyle and there was no way I could give her the Burg life she wanted and needed. She says she is training and getting counselling now, and good on her for doing it, I just hope she is doing this for herself and not because she thinks I will come running. If I went after her now things would just end up exactly where they were. No, it was better to continue this way. I had to cut her out of my life if she had any chance of being able to get the help she needed and get her inner strength and independence back. I just hope she doesn't think I am sitting around waiting for her to get her shit together.

I mean, I'm no monk by any stretch of the imagination; any of the women I have been with since Jeanne Ellen, except Stephanie, knew from the outset that all I was offering was just sex, not commitment. For my long-term girls, I happily paid the rent and financed their lifestyles but if they got clingy they were gone. Stephanie was the only woman I had in my life, aside from my family, that I had actually enjoyed spending time with. Our friendship was unfortunately complicated by the deal we made. I thought it would resolve the sexual tension between us, when in fact it only served to prove that we had incredible chemistry. I walked out the next day knowing that she would want more if I stayed and I couldn't allow that. I preferred the arrangements I had maintained for the last few years.

Now that I had started sorting out my shit, as Murphy's Law would have it no other way, someone threw a spanner in the works. Jeanne Ellen called me ten days ago, requesting to meet for lunch. I was due to head down to the conference room in 10 minutes to meet her, and for the first time in longer than I could remember, I was nervous. I still had that damn ring in my safe…

**SPOV - 3 months later…**

I was still training, most days twice a day, alternating Muay Thai, gym, running, self-defence, weapons training, yoga and swimming. Oscar told me I had just about perfected my take down and escape tactics that I could use in BEA work or for self-defence. Reviewing my current skill level versus where I was when I left Trenton, I was appalled. I could have so easily been killed, or killed the people who were with me. The number of times I had been kidnapped, assaulted, hurt, or responsible for hurting one of the Merry Men was just plain scary and wrong. I was disgusted in myself and my willingness to hide behind my own often misplaced bravado. Now, I could shoot pretty much anything with a handgun, rifle or crossbow. I could pick locks, get out of handcuffs (slowly, but I could!) and most other restraints, handle a knife competently and beat the bajeezus out of anyone who tried to hurt me. I have never been in better shape or felt more confident.

I was still working at Oscar's at night, but in the last 6 weeks I had picked up work volunteering at a Special Education school, teaching students with intellectual disabilities some basic yoga and meditation skills. They are a riot and I have found this is the most rewarding job I have ever had. Some of the kids at the school, and some parents, had been through awful trauma and experiences. An epiphany long overdue struck me - I asked myself why I was running away from my own issues, when there were people in the real world who were struggling, really struggling. When I thought about it, I kind of felt a bit ashamed at my behaviour. The expectations I had of my perfect life while I was living in Trenton were, frankly, ridiculous. And when I didn't get what I wanted I thought it was the worst thing in the world. I wanted the perfect job that was never boring, the perfect man in my life who loved me unconditionally and supported me no matter what I did, plus the unlimited ability to do what I want without worrying about repercussions. It was nothing short of ridiculous to expect that I could have all that without actually firstly working on the part of my life that had been sorely lacking for years – my own sense of self worth. I'd been doing whatever I wanted since I left Trenton, and I was happy, but I was also lonely. I loved working my two jobs – they're never boring, they are challenging and I constantly meet new people and learn new things. So did I really need the perfect man to make me happy? Good question. I know one person I can talk to about this, and who I can trust to tell me the truth no matter what.

Tonight's drink selection was espresso martinis and apple pie martinis rather than shots. After half a dozen, I was more than a little tipsy, and Oscar was certainly no better. No longer the light weight with alcohol, we had been drinking and talking for the last 3 hours and I had heard enough sage advice from my buddy that I was writing notes in my journal.

"Whaddya want Steph, really, in life, whaddya want?" he asked me frankly, the intensity in his eyes belying his slurred speech.

"I wanna smile, and not be afraid to be happy," I answered with an honesty that only a really good buzz could ensure. "I wanna feel tingles on my neck, like I used to get when Ranger walked into the room. I want to find something that makes me want to scream out loud. I want to feel alive again and stop hiding from my past."

"What's stopping ya then?"

"Whaddya mean?"

"Go home, fuck Ranger, tell him to get over blondie, have a baby, shabbam, job done."

Well, maybe not such great advice anymore.

"You know what Osc? I don't want to have a baby, I never did. Dickie and I fought about it, so did Joe and I, but I made up my mind when I was a little girl and I haven't waivered once." Oscar's eyes caught mine and widened. Maybe I should elaborate? I never told anyone before, not even my Mom. I didn't need to think twice now, though. When had this become such a second nature with Osc?"When I was little, Joe played the choo-choo game with me in his dad's garage."

"Choo-choo? Is that what I think it is?" His voice, no longer slurred, was even more malicious in its even tone.

"Yeah, probably. His finger was the train and you can guess what the tunnel was."

His eyes flashed with a mixture of rage and horror. "Where does a kid learn that?"

"That's the bit I haven't told anyone." My upper lip curled in disgust as I fought back a shudder. "His dad taught him."

"I'll kill the motherfucker…"

"He's dead." I interrupted flatly. "He drank himself to death when we were still kids. I pretty much decided after that I never wanted to have kids of my own."

"I think I understand now," Oscar nodded, a softer look in his eyes. "What if you met someone and they wanted kids? Did Ranger ever talk about having more kids?"

I thought about that for a minute. "He's mentioned his daughter but doesn't really talk about her that much. He said his life isn't cut out for a family, and apparently it doesn't lend itself to relationships either." We both sniggered. "But about meeting someone else? You know, I haven't been with anyone since before I left Trenton cause I've never been able to be with someone unless I love them. That's far too long without sex, believe me! Right now, my heart is all over the place because part of me still wants him. But Ranger never wanted me, he's still hung up on Cat Woman." I huffed out a harsh laugh. "You know what? He needs counselling as much as I did, stupid fucking man. I mean, boo hoo, some chick cheated on you, get over it and stop blaming every woman in the world. And if she doesn't love you as much as you love her, she doesn't deserve you." Oscar's lips flickered in a smile before he leaned back, regarding me once again.

"So where to next Steph?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

"I think I want to hit the road again for a while," I admitted regretfully. "I'm going to do something I've always wanted to do. I'm going to head south, hit Mexico, find an Antonio Banderas look-a-like from when he was in Desperado and ride him like Zorro. If that doesn't give me a tingle, I'll find a Salma Hayek look-a-like and give _her_ a red hot go."

Oscar laughed so hard he sprayed me with his drink. We both froze for a second, then dissolved into fits of laughter.

Oscar straightened up first. "Do you like what you are doing here, the singing, the bar work?"

"Absolutely! This is the most fun I have had at work in, well, forever!"

"An old buddy of mine from the army runs a bar down in Tampico, on the east coast of Mexico. He's a good guy and he can help you with your training too. Plus he's not going to be interested in you cause he bats for the other team, so I can trust you'll be safe with him."

No way. Could this be the same guy Lester mentioned? My spidey-sense tingled, in a good way.

"Sounds like a plan!" I jumped up, overly excited, and had to sit down when the room started spinning. "Whoa. Time for bed me thinks. Spinning room means bad things."

We cleaned up and staggered home, headed to our respective rooms. I dreamed of Antonio Banderas; and, oh, what very happy dreams they were.

The next morning, I gingerly made my way to McDonalds for two doses of the cure and headed back to Oscar's. I inhaled most of mine on the way back and started feeling marginally better by the time I got home. Now that my hangover was medicated with "the cure", my resolve was stronger than ever. I knocked on Oscar's bedroom door.

"Unless the house or bar is on fire, fuck off!" he growled. I smirked.

"I brought the cure," I called through the door.

"I love you," he groaned.

I walked into his room and handed him the jumbo coke and fries, then I grabbed a couple of Advil out of my bag and handed them to him.

"Thanks" he mumbled, mouth full of fries. "Why are you so chipper?"

"I'm excited about Mexico."

A small, disgruntled frown broke over his face. "You're that happy to be leaving me?"

"Oh, no!" I burst out. God, I was going to miss him and Mary-Alice. "I just think it's time to move on to the next chapter, then I think I need to make some big decisions about my future. I was wondering if you had a phone number for your friend. I want to get in touch with him, see if we can work something out."

"I can do one better Steph. Skype him, do a video call. That way you can get a better read on whether you could work with him," Oscar offered.

"Yeah, great idea! I'll get in touch with him now." My smile dimmed a little when I thought about leaving. "I'm going to miss you and MA so much."

"We'll miss you too. Alright, enough of the sad stuff. Here's his details, email him and set up the call. But maybe do something about the hair first?"

"Scary?"

"I think wild is closer. Now, get out and start making plans."

I practically skipped out of Oscar's room and back up to my bedroom. After firing up the laptop, I sent an email to hopefully my new friend Graham Covey. Oscar's note told me to call him Hank, so I did. I told him in my email I was hoping to head down to Mexico for a while and was wondering if there was any chance of getting some work with him in return for room and board.

"Here goes nothing!" I muttered to myself. And I pressed send.


	14. Emails, letters and phone calls, oh my!

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN: **Hang in there folks! There is a happy ending for Stephanie even if you can't see it at the moment.

To the incredibly talented JazMitch, my thanks as always.

**Chapter 13: Emails, letters and phone calls, oh my!**

I checked my email at half past four and was delighted to see that Hank had replied almost immediately. And he said YES! I did a little happy dance in my room to celebrate then ran downstairs to the kitchen to tell Oscar, but skidded to a stop in the doorway.

There, standing in the middle of the kitchen was Oscar and Mary-Alice, in the middle of what looked like a rather passionate kiss.

I slowly backed out of the room, a massive smile on my face. To say I was thrilled was an understatement. They were perfect together and I had seen the looks they gave each other when they thought no one was watching. Awwww. I felt all tingly and warm and fuzzy; I was so incredibly happy for them. I crept back upstairs to give the lovebirds some privacy.

My laptop told me that Hank was online so I sent him an instant message to see if he wanted to catch up on a video chat. He agreed and next thing I knew, we were looking at a fuzzy, pixilated version of each other.

Hubba hubba! I could pretty much only see his head and shoulders, but what a view! Blonde, surfer style longish hair, blue eyes and tanned skin, he was gorgeous.

"G'day Stephanie! Great to see you!" His deep rumble and easy smile did really fun things to my insides, the fact that he was gay notwithstanding.

"Hi Hank, how are you doing?" I grinned.

"I'm doing really well. So you've been working with Oscar? How is the old bloke?"

"He's really good right at this moment." I smirked, thinking about just what he was doing. "How do you guys know each other?"

"We shared a base in the Middle East," Hank revealed. "I moved down here a few years ago and started up this bar about 18 months ago. So, you are really set on heading down here for a while?"

We continued chatting for another fifteen minutes, but in that short time we found that we instantly clicked and he offered me a job with a similar set up to Oscar. Room and board in return for bar tending, a bit of singing if needed and whatever else came up. We'd sort the details out when I got there, but he answered the important questions straight away. His place was really close to the beach and it was secure. I was sold. And very excited! I was heading to the beach! I felt completely and utterly alive.

After my session at the school the following morning, I stopped off at the principal, Lori's, office and gave my notice. When I told her my plans, she told me she was jealous and wished me luck and told me the kids would miss me like crazy. I had told her about my crappy love life and lack of self-esteem during our coffee breaks and the reason for my running away from my old life.

"Stephanie, can I give you some advice my nanna gave me?" she asked.

"Sure." I was happy to hear any words of wisdom.

"You can look at change in your life in two ways. You can think about all the things that you will miss out on, or you can embrace change as the biggest and best adventure you will ever have. I think you know deep inside exactly what you are looking for, you just need to open your heart and accept that it might not be exactly what you thought you wanted. But you know what? I bet you it will be exactly what you need."

I went home that afternoon and ate a big bowl of the pumpkin soup that Oscar made for the bar tonight. Thinking about what Lori told me, and what my counsellor and Oscar had also said, I thought it was time to open my heart. I meditated on that thought for a while and decided to evaluate the relationships I had with the men in my life. It was most certainly time to get some level of resolution or closure with them. Joe and I were over, completely. I would never forget the good times and there was also all the crap we went through together, but hey I hit him with a car and broke his leg so I guess we are even. I wrote a goodbye letter to my relationship with Joe and burnt it in the fireplace in my room. Joe and I are officially, finally, completely over.

Oscar has been a godsend. He has helped me grow up and held my hand while I slowly learnt that I am strong enough to support myself physically and emotionally, as well as financially. I wrote him a goodbye and thank you letter. Oscar will be part of my life forever, as a rock steady friend and the man who rebuilt me from the ground up with no expectations on his part, just a belief that he could help me grow. I was just thrilled that he and Mary-Alice might be at the start of a forever relationship that would no doubt kick up a gear once I was gone. I decided to leave Oscar a little going away gift. My nest egg was in great shape, thanks to the arrangement I've had with Oscar and the tips I have collected at the bar. I still had over $35,000 in my checking account and my term deposit was still sitting there as well. Thanks to Grandma and Grandpa Mazur I can pretty much do what I want to for a little while longer, but there was one thing I wanted to do for Oscar. I left him a cheque for $5,000, with a note explaining that he had to use the money to buy a commercial grade glass washer for the bar. I hated washing glasses! And he had to take Mary-Alice out on a date.

Now to my boys at Rangeman.

I sent my first email to the whole team at Rangeman, thanking them for their help and support and apologising for the many times I got them hurt. I told them I was still travelling and learning more about myself than I ever thought possible.

My second email was for Hector.

_Dear Hector,_

_I know you'll be the first to read the email I sent to the team, but I wanted to say more to you privately. I miss you, I miss laughing with you and most of all I miss the talks we used to have. I've actually done what I set out to do - sort my shit out. I've been seeing a counsellor and I'm feeling stronger every day. And I have kept my promise to you. I carry my panic button everywhere and I am keeping myself safe. You'd be so proud Hec, I've actually learnt how to shoot and am getting better with a knife, and I haven't rolled in garbage or destroyed anything since I left. Yay me! Yeah, I know, staggering isn't it? Everything you guys have been trying to get me to do for years, and I finally do it by myself, more importantly FOR myself. I'm sorry for all the grief I caused you guys, but I promise I'll make it up to you when I get home. I'm heading south next and I'm really excited, I'm doing what I love and I have made some really good friends, but, god Hec, I miss you and the guys. _

_Please don't let the guys know about me training, I want it to be a surprise when I get back. I'm so sick of being known as a disaster I actually want to prove, by myself, that I am worth something. I want to make you proud of me, to pay you back for all the times you've come riding to my rescue._

_Okay, enough mush, I'm headed for the beach!_

_I'll keep in touch and I promise I'll keep myself safe._

_Love, Steph_

Next up, my partner in crime, Lester. He was always making himself out to be a player, a joker, but I knew deep inside he was an amazing, strong, loving man who was scared to death of falling in love again. If only… nah, I saw him as my brother and best friend, so there was no way it could be more. Thinking of him made me smile, even as tears coursed down my face. This break has been vital for me but I had no idea I would miss my boys so much. I wiped the tears away and decided I needed to tell him how much he meant to me and how much I wanted him to be able to move on. I took a deep breath and typed out exactly what I wanted, no, needed to say.

_Dear Les, _

_You are an amazing friend who has always been there for me. You make me smile, I can lean on you anytime I need and you always make me feel good about myself. But what have I done for you, except get you injured, in trouble, mat time with Ranger, or listen to your stories of the many women in your life? I have spent the last year learning who I was, and most importantly, who I want to be. I have realised that I don't actually need a man in my life any more. I want one, hell, right now I really want one! But I don't need a man to validate me as a person. Les, you are a man who is worthy of finding a love who utterly adores you as much as you adore them. You deserve to find someone who makes you want to fight to come home from your missions, who makes you laugh, who makes you smile so hard your cheeks hurt. Please take some time to heal your heart and open yourself to accepting you are worthy of love. I know you were hurt, hurt badly. Whoever that person was, they obviously are not worthy of you. You are one in a million Les, I hope you find the other half of your heart out there somewhere. _

_Love Steph._

The last email was to Carlos.

_Dear Carlos,_

_Yes, Carlos; I can't call you Ranger, not anymore. I've always held you up as a super hero, my Batman, but I would like to get to really know you as the real man underneath the persona I built up. I know you are the man who tried to help me grow, who has supported me for so long, my friend. But I only knew Street Ranger, Badass Ranger and Corporate Ranger, never Carlos. _

_I have spent 12 months working through the issues we discussed back in my apartment and as much as it hurt at the time to hear it, I have to thank you for bringing all of my issues out and making me face up to the fact that I really hated myself. _

_I am stronger than I ever have been, thanks to a wonderful counsellor and the incredible support of my friends. I can at long last look in the mirror and like the person who looks back. I am still learning about myself and what I want out of life and I am moving on to the next stage of my journey. I'll be out of contact for a while but I will be safe. _

_I hope by now you have talked to the person you are in love with and either worked it out with them, or gained some closure. You deserve someone who loves you, unconditionally. Your job and your contract should not prevent someone from loving you. If they don't support you through your missions or while you are running Rangeman, I'm sorry, but they aren't worth it._

_I'll always be here as your friend, if you need me. I'll check my emails, so please let me know if you need to talk – no matter when or why._

_Love, Stephanie. _

Oddly enough, that felt like closure with Ranger and hopefully I'll get to know Carlos if and when I go back to Trenton. For now, I was moving on.


	15. Expectations

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**Chapter 14: Expectations**

**RPOV**

Jeanne-Ellen and I had spent the last three months getting reacquainted physically, or should I say fucking like rabbits. She had walked into the conference room on that day three months ago wearing sky high heels, a coat and nothing else. She locked the door, dropped the jacket and sat on the edge of the conference table while looking me square in the eye. She told me she had missed me and wanted me back. Then she opened her thighs, revealing her bare pussy, and started caressing herself. She knew it drove me wild to watch her masturbate while we were together and it had the same effect after all the time apart. Needless to say I took her there on the table, then again bent over one of the chairs.

But this was not a "relationship" like last time, it was primal, physical and at times uncontrolled. Sitting in the office in my apartment, I was able to afford a few moments of uninterrupted privacy and recall our time together since the day she came back. It was pretty clear to me on reflection there were two things missing this time around, but they're pretty damn significant. She didn't make me laugh and there was no longer any emotional attachment on my part. She's beautiful, sex on legs, and I just couldn't get enough of her, but as much as I craved the physical release, I managed to stay emotionally apart from her. We got together and fucked, blunt as it sounds. When I was in town she stayed with me in my apartment on seven, but when I had to go out of town, she stayed in her own apartment. She didn't seem to mind the short trips away but had told me in no uncertain terms that I shouldn't expect her to sit around moping while I was gone on longer missions. The longest I had been away for lately had been a week. I was required to make up for that absence with a weekend in Paris, where she had conveyed how much she missed me by allowing me to, in her words, do anything I wanted. In short if I had needs, she satisfied them, regardless of what they were. I made sure she got what she needed by giving her my credit card because she told me she had stopped working. I wanted her available for me when I needed her, in return she made sure she had a steady supply of lingerie to be ripped from her body. I liked being shown off by her, and the smug bastard in me wanted to show her off when we went out for dinners, and we went to the best restaurants, the most exclusive clubs. Jeanne only wore the best designers and most of her gowns were bespoke, designed and made for her, not something off the rack. It was like she was becoming an addiction all over again, but this time she was one I paid for financially, not emotionally.

I didn't usually waste time reflecting, but I was feeling a little nostalgic today. I got an email from Stephanie earlier this morning, which started me thinking. She knew somehow that I had been in some form of love with Jeanne Ellen the whole time I knew her. That night we had together was incredible, tender, and warm and we both gave and received. But my heart was taken, damaged. She had told me to work it out or get closure, that I deserved someone who supported me. I always told Stephanie my life didn't lend itself to relationships. I think she saw through my bullshit lines and told me straight out that the right person would support the life I led, unconditionally. Looking at what I had with Jeanne now, it was no different from the many women I had tried to lose myself in since she and I had broken up years ago. Sex on tap, which I paid for by keeping her like one of my many mistresses over the years. I paid for the sex by making sure she had the best of everything but I kept her out of my private life, my family and away from the men I called my brothers. Tank, Lester and Bobby refused to spend time with her, my family hadn't spoken to her more than once or twice. I hadn't taken her to my house in Miami or introduced her to my daughter, who lived in Miami with my ex-wife. Aside from Steph, the one thing the women including Jeanne all had in common was that we had nothing to talk about outside the bedroom. I missing talking shit with Stephanie. I missed laughing with her over something small. After pondering her email and my reaction to it for another hour, I realised I missed having her as a friend. I could get sex just about anywhere, and had proven that consistently for years, but I missed having someone to connect with. I had to laugh at myself for that line. Shit, I even sounded like a woman!

At 1430 on the dot I heard my secure sat phone ring. There was only one reason it would ring.

"Manoso."

"A bird will be on the roof at 0500. Expecting two to four months. Heading south, one back-up."

"Sir, yes sir!"

Yep, the government still had me over a barrel. Heading south usually meant Mexico or Colombia, so my first call was to my chosen back-up.

"Yo bro. S'up?" Fucking Santos, smart ass.

"You got anything pressing in the next two to four months?"

"Aw fuck man, not now! I got a hot date tonight! Tell me I've got time!" Typical Santos, thinking with his dick as always.

"Enjoy it man, we're leaving at 0500 from the roof."

"I'll make the most of it in that case," he said with a laugh, and hung up. I could hear the eyebrow waggle from my office. Now to tell Tank and Jeanne Ellen. Tank would be the easier of the two, so I called him first. He picked up after one ring.

"Yo."

"Got a call, I'm taking Santos, leaving at 0500. Usual protocol, back in two to four months." Tank would run my business with the cool, calm efficiency he always did. I trusted him with my life.

"Got it. Jeanne Ellen?"

"Telling her next." I replied shortly.

"Read the file I sent you first. Steph?"

Why was he bringing up Stephanie? Did he know more about her? "Got an email today saying she was moving on."

"You're an idiot, man."

"Fuck you." I hung up and smirked. We're good. Tank would take care of everything, as usual.

I called Jeanne Ellen's cell phone.

"Why, hello there Ricardo," she purred. "To what do I owe this honour?"

"Jeanne Ellen, can you meet me for dinner at my apartment at six?"

"See you soon lover."

I spent the rest of the afternoon making sure everything was in order. My will had been updated before the last mission and there was nothing that needed amending. My business was to be split between Tank, Santos and Bobby. Everything else went to my daughter with my parents as trustees until she turned 21. Not that I didn't trust my ex-wife, but she had a way of spending money that defied logic. The only person that ever used my limitless Amex card with as much gusto was Jeanne Ellen. Stephanie had always refused to let me spend money on her. Something to put in the vault for now. I finished as much of the necessary paperwork as possible then packed my duffle. I took out my wallet and put it in my safe, replacing it with my Marc Pardo wallet, my cover for Central and South America. I put the passport for that identity in the side pocket of the bag, along with $9,900 in cash, just below the declaration limit for most countries. I had an account set up in the Pardo name with enough cash to get me through whatever could possibly come my way but liked to have cash on hand for taxis, bribes, whatever came up.

At the back of the safe was the box containing Jeanne Ellen's engagement ring. I took it out and held it in my hand. Why had I held onto it for so long? Had I loved her? Absolutely. Did I still love her? No, not anymore. Why did I take her back then? I walked into my kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I leant against the bench, staring at the ring. Was this all there was? I married Rachel without ever being in love with her, maybe Jeanne Ellen and I could get married. The sex was amazing… would that be enough? Could I imagine spending the rest of my life with her? Could I marry someone I didn't like, let alone love? I pictured my parents holding hands while we all walked along the beach in Miami last time we went down to visit Julie. I was jealous of the closeness of their relationship. They were still the best of friends and were still passionately in love with each other, after more than forty years together. I felt like I had missed my chance at a relationship like theirs, all that was left for me was satisfying my need for a physical release.

Tank had mentioned there was a file I needed to read. I walked back into my office and put the ring in the safe. Something else caught my eye. It was the silver Batman key ring Stephanie bought me for my birthday three months before she left. It was the only gift I received that year. Again, I pushed the thought of Stephanie to the back of my mind, back into the vault.

I opened the private file share program my core team used and located the file from Tank. I read the file from Tank. It was enlightening reading but not unexpected.

I heard the elevator in the hall announcing her arrival.

"Ricardo," Jeanne purred as she walked in.

I locked the safe and closed my office door. She had always called me Ricardo. My family and the few friends I had called me Carlos because I shared my first name with my father. Stephanie had called me Carlos in her email. Again, something for the vault.

"I got a call today Jeanne Ellen. I leave at 0500."

"How long for this time?" She sounded short.

"Two to four months."

"I told you last time, I won't wait for you." And here we go again.

"You know I don't have a choice." My frustration was evident in my voice.

"Bullshit Ricardo! There is always a choice. You can say no if you have a good reason. Aren't I a good reason?" Her voice dropped to a seductive purr, and she ran a fingernail down my chest. "I'll make it worth your while if you stay."

"It was an order. You know what that means." My voice sounded dead, even to my own ears.

"It means you put a mission ahead of me, again. If you go we are finished. I am sick of coming in third with you!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your business and your contract come first with you. I deserve more! You should be on your knees begging me to be with you, instead you expect me to wait around for you."

"Not that you waited for me last time, if I remember correctly!" I retorted heatedly.

"You had no problem with me and Carmen being together, in fact you loved every second of it, so don't you go all holier than thou on me! I have needs Ricardo. I thought we could have a life together, but I am not going to sit around and wait for you to realise I am the best fucking thing that ever happened to you!" Her voice lowered and her eyes narrowed. "You will never find another woman who understands you like I do, who can please you like I can. Baby we are so good together, but I can't wait like some schoolgirl virgin for you. I won't wait for you unless…"

"Unless what?"

"Unless you truly let me back into your life. Unless we are married."


	16. Realisations

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, I haven't responded individually yet…thought you might want to read this chapter first! Thanks as always to JazMitch for her excellent work and patience as beta.

**Chapter 15: Realisations**

**RPOV**

Jeanne Ellen wanted me to marry her? Now?

"Let me get this straight. If I ask you to marry me, you are happy to wait for me. No Carmen, no other men or women. You'll wait for me and when I come back we'll get married."

I could see her eyes sparkle, but there was a slightly smug look there as well. "Oh, Ricardo, I've been waiting years for this…"

I sat down on the sofa and leaned back, closing my eyes in frustration. Images flashed before my eyes. Walking in on Jeanne Ellen during her little tryst. Reading through my credit card bills, looking at over $200,000 of her spending in the last 3 months on clothes and her "personal needs". Almost silent dinners, having nothing to talk about except work. The information in the file from Tank, proving she was still seeing other people while I was out of town, even if overnight, over the last three months. Not just Carmen, I could almost let that slide. No, there were more men and women, some I recognised and more that I didn't. As much as I hated condoms, I was thankful I always insisted on using them, and had with every partner ever since Rachel got pregnant on our first night together. Plus I needed to keep clean to maintain my contract. More concerning was the traces of white powder in some of the photos. Was she doing coke again? She had used cocaine on one of her missions in Europe and it had become a problem, but she cleaned up when she got home. Surely not…?

Then I pictured a pair of sapphire blue eyes filled with tears, laughing her ass off while we watched Austin Powers or Ghostbusters, for what had to be the hundredth time. Those same eyes shedding tears as I relived the memory of losing my best friend on a mission in the Sudan. She held me close and cried the tears I couldn't afford to let out, fearing I would fall apart with her. Dirty dancing after a distraction at Club Seven to Get Ur Freak On by Missy Elliott (my choice) and Dragula by Rob Zombie (her choice). Watching her flaunt her gorgeous body while she picked up skips at bars, putting herself in danger for my business, just because I asked. Refusing to accept my credit card to buy distraction clothes unless she was dead broke, and paying me back by working free hours running searches for Rangeman. Over the years, that little blue eyed girl had become one of my best friends. The flashes of our one night together caused an instant reaction. The image of her sobbing the night I basically told her to get her shit together almost broke me. It was her that kept me grounded. Steph brought light back into my life. Could Jeanne? Did she really know me as me, or was I just a convenient source of sex and money, like the other guys she was still apparently seeing?

"You really want to get married? Spend the rest of our lives together? Grow old and walk along the beach, holding hands?" I asked her bluntly.

"Ricardo, we're not the type of people who pop out a couple of kids and walk along the beach. Getting married for us is more of a merging of assets," she replied smoothly. "But I won't live here, I deserve more than Trenton. It's not enough for me. I knew you would come to your senses!" Her eyes were wide, pupils dilated, a look I thought I recognised. She continued to talk, chattering with increased enthusiasm. "I found a condo in New York, well Carnegie Hill, on East 95th St. It overlooks the park, 5 bedrooms, only twelve mill. I already put a hold on it, and that can be your wedding gift to me. And it's right near Carmen's, so I spend time with her like I'm used to. We'll get married in the Bahamas. I'll need my own credit card too Ricardo, in my own name, not some Rangeman Corporate Card. I found the engagement ring I want at De Beers, you can pick it up when we go to New York to sign the contracts for the condo. It's gorgeous and it's the only one I want. A perfect 5 carat diamond set in platinum. Oh, I've wanted this for so long! Finally! I can stay in New York, you can move the main office there or even better just commute back on weekends. I'll need to make sure Carmen is available to look at dresses, oh and you can take care of her flights, can't you? Oh Ricardo..."

I tuned out her demands for more and more. It felt like I was a source of money and the lifestyle she wanted for herself. Twelve million dollars for a condo for her wedding gift? I had more than enough money thanks selling my soul to the government, and the success of Rangeman had allowed me to invest rather successfully in real estate. My net worth was a closely guarded secret, but something tells me Jeanne knew exactly what I could and could not afford. "Jeanne, how much money do you think I have?"

"Oh Ricardo, I know exactly. You can afford to buy me everything I want and more. And I know you need me enough to keep me happy. I deserve it."

That confirms it. Does she know the man behind the money, or care to know at all? Time for a little gamble. "Tell you what, if you know that much about me, what's my favourite film? My favourite food?"

"What? What are you talking about? You never sit down and watch movies. Probably Apocalypse Now, or something like it." Ahhh, no. I hated war films, too many bad memories. She should know that. And I knew that was actually her favourite film. "Why?"

"I'm just trying to work out how much you really know about me, the real me, not the soldier or businessman." Steph knew I loved Austin Powers. Sometimes I needed to watch a brainless comedy just to decompress. Steph watched Ghostbusters for the same reason.

"And I suppose your "Babe" would know?" she sneered. God, she sounded like a whining bitch. Hang on, how did she know about my Babe? "You look surprised. You talk in you sleep when you have been drinking Ricardo. Who is she? The blonde from Miami? The red head in New York? I know you had a steady stream of women before I came back. Did you want her to join us? I bet you'd just love that. Oh, wait, I'd wager she's that useless little Italian bitch that used to hang around you and your men. What, were you all taking turns fucking her?" Instantaneous, red hot anger flared through me and I fought to no avail not to growl.

"Don't fucking talk about Stephanie, Jeanne Ellen. This is about you and me. Do you know I carried around an engagement ring for you during that last mission before I came home to find you fucking Carmen and Franco? I wanted a committed relationship back then. You say you understand what I do, but you do nothing but whine whenever a job comes up. I want a woman who takes care of herself, sure, but she needs to be committed to me and understand my life. What I don't want is someone who spends my money and fucks everything that moves as soon as my back is turned! And don't think I don't know about Carmen and every man that comes to your apartment when I am out of town."

"What, are you tracking me now? Fuck you Ricardo!" she snarled, fisting her hands at her sides. "You can't keep me satisfied so I need to get it from somewhere!"

Never before have I wanted to hit a woman so much, but I would never give her the satisfaction. "Get. Out. Pack your shit and get the fuck out. We are done. Finished. If I ever see you again it will be too soon."

"You'll never be rid of me. You need me!" She had somehow manufactured tears yet still managed to keep her face and makeup perfect.

"I don't need you, Jeanne Ellen. You were nothing more to me than a convenient fuck." I watched the horror dawn on her face at my callous words. And would you believe it? I didn't feel any remorse in the slightest."Get out, go back to Carmen."

"You'll regret this, Ricardo" she spat, venomously, as she stalked out the door.

After she left I went back into my office and called Tank.

"Yo."

"Thanks man. She's gone."

"You're still an idiot. You know, she really loved you."

"Jeanne? She just loved my money."

"No dickhead. Work it out." He hung up on me.

It's too late now. She's gone. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

If I got back from this mission I was going to track her down. I want my Babe back.


	17. Heading South

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** I was absolutely floored by the feedback for the last two chapters. Thank you all so much!

The biggest thanks is reserved for JazMitch, without your encouragement I never would have had the nerve to post this story.

**Chapter 16: Heading South**

**Stephanie's POV**

The last four weeks had just flown by, already it was my last full day in San Marcos. I bought myself a new pre-paid cell phone with super cheap calls to and from Mexico so I could keep in touch with my friends and family while I continued travelling. After texting my new number to my parents, Mary-Lou, Oscar and Hector, I grabbed the road map from my car and spent enough time to drink two coffees studying the roads and working out which way to get to Tampico. I decided to head directly to Tampico via Monterrey instead of touring around and I promised myself I'd spend time exploring once I was established. I had spoken to Hank half a dozen times on Skype since Oscar told me about him and we were getting along really well, in fact I would happily call him a friend already. I had told him briefly about my past and that I was still travelling so he knew I wouldn't be there long term. He was fine with that and from the sounds of it very happy that I had a bit of training behind me, because he wanted someone who could back him up without looking like a bouncer. My role there would be bartending, watching out for the waitresses and protecting them from drunk patrons, plus singing when the opportunity arose. Hank sounded like a great guy and I felt safe with him from the get go. I had learnt to listen to my spidey sense when it came to new people and I had not been wrong yet.

In the afternoon I had an appointment with Giorgio, my local hairdresser. I had been in to see him a few times since I arrived in San Marcos, but today's appointment was a big one. I walked into the salon and was escorted to Giorgio's station. Melinda, his apprentice, brought me a coffee without asking and told me Giorgio would be with me shortly.

"Ciao Bella, what are we doing today?" he greeted me enthusiastically. He called all his clients Bella in his affected Italian accent, even though he was born and bred in California and had moved to San Marcos with his wife just after they married.

"I need a drastic change please Giorgio. I'm heading south into Mexico tomorrow morning and I want to give myself a completely new look."

"Can I do anything I want? Please, Bella, trust me." He pleaded, eyes sparkling with excitement.

Years of having my naturally curly hair ruined by hairdressers would normally have me running from the salon at these words, but Giorgio understood curly hair. His wife had spiral curls half way down her back and she refused to let anyone else touch her hair.

"As long as I can still tie it back in a ponytail, you can do whatever you want". Famous last words maybe?

Giorgio covered the mirror and made me promise I wouldn't peek. "You will look like a completely different person by the time I am finished with you."

Almost three hours later, I was getting antsy. Giorgio had worked his magic on my hair and Melinda had applied make-up because "the Jersey look won't work anymore."

"Okay my gorgeous girl, time for the big unveiling." He pulled the cover off the mirror and it was all I could do not to scream.

In utter delight.

My hair was jaw length in gentle curls and was a deep, dark red.

"You can still tie it back, it will straighten easily, plus it will be more manageable in the humidity at this length. Just keep using your hair serum when it's damp and let it dry naturally and you are good to go for day-to-day wear."

I absolutely loved it. With dark smoky eye makeup and matt red lips, it was dramatic, sophisticated and so different I barely recognised myself. It was perfect.

Saying goodbye to Oscar and Mary-Alice was really difficult for me. I had lived with Oscar for a year and he had in that time become the brother I never had. It was because of him that I finally was able to defend and support myself and he was the first person to give me the tools I needed to achieve my goals without wanting anything in return. I would have loved to see his reaction when he found my cheque and note at the bar!

On that last morning, Mary-Alice and Oscar sent me off in style. We had breakfast together, Eggs Benedict and Oscar's wonderful coffee, and they walked me out to my already packed car, hand in hand.

"You take care Steph, we'll miss you like crazy" Mary-Alice said with tears in her eyes.

Oscar just grabbed me and held me tight. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you more," I said with a smile. "Thank you for everything."

I got in my truck and drove off towards the border down Interstate 35. I crossed the border at Laredo then drove south to Monterrey. Driving through the mountainous terrain was breathtaking, I was staggered by how beautiful Mexico was. I had an image in my mind of a hot, dry environment and towns with narrow, cramped streets. What I found was a cosmopolitan city with a beautiful blend of history and modern. I certainly hadn't expected this! The city sat at the base of the Sierra Madre mountains and was dominated by Cerro de la Silla or Saddle Hill. At 5,700 feet it is most definitely not a hill, and it made for a striking backdrop to the city. I decided to treat myself and stayed at the most charming hotel I had ever seen. The Gran Ancira Hotel was over 100 years old but had been beautifully restored and modernised, still retaining it's old world charm. After checking in and settling myself, it was time to head out to eat. I decided to dress myself up in a knee length slate grey dress with capped sleeves and paired it with a pair of ruby red pumps with a four inch heel. I ate at the hotel's restaurant, Barandales, then headed into the adjoining bar for a nightcap. The customers were a mix of tourists and business people and I have to admit I enjoyed being hit on a number of times. To be approached by very handsome men did my self-confidence the world of good. I had a bit of fun pretending not to know Spanish, oh the things men say when they don't realise someone is listening to them!

I went back to my room at around 11pm, alone, and had a shower and a couple of glasses of water to ward off any headache in the morning. I slept like a rock.

I checked out the following morning at 10am and started the 7-hour drive to Hank's in Tampico. I called him when I was around 50 miles out to check exact directions to his place. He ran a bar called Ricardo's (yeah, I know, can't get away from certain people) near the Plaza de la Libertad (Liberty Square). The bar was on the second floor of a three story art nouveau building that was part of a terrace one street back from the square. The front section of the ground floor was leased to an internet café and there was a black entryway leading to a wrought iron gate at the left of the building. Hank had told me to go through the entryway and I would find an intercom at the gate. I pressed the buzzer and heard what I recognised to be Hank's voice.

"Yeah?"

"It's Stephanie Plum."

"Come on in, can't wait to meet you in person."

The lock buzzed open and I opened the gate. There was a short walkway then a black door. I heard the security locks open on that door as well and I pushed it open. The stairs were timber and the stairwell was covered in pencil drawn black and white images of old school musicians, from jazz, to early rock, to opera. At the top of the stairs there was a concierge type desk and then an open doorway into the bar.

The bar was an oblong shape, with the bar itself spread in an L shape in the top left corner. Three doorways were to my immediate left, two going to the bathrooms and one marked "Staff Only". To my right was a series of tables and chairs surrounding a small, raised platform stage area. There was a door at the rear of the stage as well. At the top right was a pool table, dart board and a pinball machine. In short, it looked like a pretty cool place to hang out with friends and enjoy listening to live music.

"Stephanie, hey, how ya doing?"

The distinctly Australian accent belonged to Hank, he stood around 6'4, built with muscles on his muscles, which I was happy to check out, and his cargo shorts and white tank top showed them off to perfection. He had blonde hair, worn in a relaxed, longish surfer style and bright blue eyes. His skin was tanned, matching the surfer hair and the warm climate. Most certainly drool worthy!

"It's great to meet you! I feel like I know you already. You want a drink? Something to eat?"

"Thanks Hank, great to meet you in person too! A beer would be perfect, thanks." I smiled charmingly.

"I'll get you one from home, a Boags. I get them imported cause I refuse to drink the local crap unless I'm already loaded," he winked at me with a cheeky grin.

He disappeared behind the bar and came back holding two beers.

"Where did you park?"

"Just out the front, is that alright?"

"No drama, after you finish that, head west, then take the first left, then left again. You'll see a fence marked "Ricardo's". Bang on the fence and I'll open it for you. There is parking for our staff and overnight guests there. It's safe, I leave Freyja on guard overnight."

"Thank you, ummm who's Freyja?"

He whistled. A beautiful German Shepherd came out from behind the bar.

"This is my baby, Freyja. She's my lifeline, my best friend. Plus, she makes sure nothing comes in through the back gate that isn't invited. Let her sniff you and sit with you for a while, she won't hurt you. When you come in through the gate, you need to use hand signals to let her know you are a friend. I use Auslan signs, Australian Sign Language as well as spoken commands. I'm pretty sure no one around here knows Auslan so it was the best way to teach her."

He showed me the Auslan sign for partner, which apparently was her safe sign. God, I hope I don't forget it! Hank grinned at me and I figured he knew ESP too with his next words.

"If you forget, just say g'day Freyja and she'll calm down soon enough. Stand still and call me if you can't get her to calm. She won't attack unless you try to hurt her, or me."

"Right, great, feeling really confident here!" I rolled my eyes with a small smile.

"You'll be fine," he reassured me, "she'll get to know you in no time. OK, finish up your beer and move your car around back and then we'll get you settled."

I walked back downstairs and jumped in my truck. I followed Hank's instructions and found the fence. I banged on it and the fence slid open back on itself along a rail. I pulled in, parked and checked out the yard, pleasantly surprised. The back yard of the bar was paved in cobblestone with a beautiful tropical garden along the left side fence. The other side of the yard was dominated by a large vegetable garden. There was a table and chairs set up which I am sure I would use a lot for reading and sunbathing. Freyja's kennel was under the back verandah and what I presumed was Hank's dual cab 4x4 was parked next to it. The gate slid closed and Freyja appeared at the back door. She barked and I made the "partner" sign. She instantly sat and watched me grab my overnight and gym bags out of the truck. It worked! Thank goodness!

"Need a hand Stephanie?"

"Steph's fine, please," I waved it off and he grinned. "Yeah, if you could grab my suitcase, that would be great."

"No probs," he smiled easily. "Head in the back door up the stairs. We are going to the top floor."

"Yay."

When we got to the top floor, the stairway opened onto a landing with hall leading to four doors.

"OK, so my place is door number one, you are number three. The rooms are soundproof, so don't stress about noise from downstairs. A couple of house rules. You mess it up, you clean it. No drugs on the premises and that goes for the bar as well. If you see anything with customers, let me know and I will kick them out. No drinking during work hours. If you want to bring someone home with you, let me know. I'd hate to have Freyja bite the dick off someone you are trying to shag." I almost choked, trying to hold back my laugh. "There is a kitchen downstairs and I cook breakfast at 9 and dinner is usually on the table at 5. There is always something to munch on if you need it during the day. I refuse to cook crap food. I use full fat and real flavours, as fresh as possible." I started salivating at the thought of real, home cooked food. "You want to eat non-fat, pretend sugar, processed crap, make it yourself. There is a gym set up on the ground floor, through the door on the right of the back door. The bar is open from six til two, from Wednesday to Saturday, let me know if you need a day off otherwise all the shifts are yours. Sunday is surfing day, I won't be here so you'll be on your own unless you want to come to the beach. The staff mostly speak Spanish but yours is pretty good so you should be fine. Tampico is pretty safe but let me know if you are heading out on your own after dark. That probably covers it. Questions?"

"Holy shit! Let me think." And I took a second to do just that. He was pretty thorough. "Do you have Wi-Fi?"

"Yep, the password is FreyjaKicksButt, initial caps, no spaces."

"Nice," I smirked. "Are you happy to train and spar with me?"

"Hell yeah girl! Oscar told me you're kick arse at Muay Thai and I can't wait to get back into that. I can teach you Krav Maga as well as get your boxing up to scratch," he offered. "How about weapons training?"

"The more the merrier." I smiled, I was happy to show off my new love of guns. This was a far cry from the girl who used to keep her .38 in her cookie jar. "I have a customised Sig Sauer P226, a Browning BDM and an old S&W .38. I've trained with the M16 and M4. Oscar got me hooked on crossbows as well. I'd say I was competent with knives but I could use some work."

"A girl after my own heart! Righto, I'll work on the knives, some hand to hand and we'll hit the range on Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. Whatchya custom with your Sig?"

"I went with the SRT and a smaller grip for my little hands, and of course I went all out and got ghosted purple flames and skulls to make her pretty." I reported, grinning in satisfaction.

"Nice! There's a gun safe in your room, the keys are in the lock for you already."

"Great. I'll go get unpacked. I'll meet you… where?"

"Come down to the garden," he directed. "We'll grab some herbs and vegies and I'll start making us dinner. I'll fill you in on life in Tampico over dinner. You a drinker?"

"Is the Pope a Catholic?"

"Alright! You can mix up some mojitos while I cook and we'll talk."

Hank cooked grilled snapper with herb crust and steamed green vegetables for dinner. We talked long into the night but only had a couple of drinks each because Hank promised me (threatened me?) there would be a training session first thing in the morning and it would be my first night on the job tomorrow night. We called it a night at around 1am and I set my alarm for training at 6. I flopped into bed and felt completely calm and at ease. It was strange. When I was living in Trenton, I used sugar and my shower massager to keep my Hungarian hormones at bay. Since I started properly training, the endorphin rush I got from kicking ass regularly was enough to keep the edge off. Still, I was lonely. I missed my family, I missed Mary-Lou, and I missed my friends at Rangeman. Most of all, I missed having someone in my life.

"Oh stuff it," I said to myself. I pulled out my laptop and connected to Hank's Wi-Fi. I opened up my email program and checked messages. I hadn't looked since I sent my goodbye messages from San Marcos. Woo hoo! I had mail!

Mom and Daddy said they missed me. Apparently Val is getting a divorce and has moved home with my nieces. Lucky Mom and Dad. Steve had indeed been cheating and the side-piece was pregnant. Grandma had apparently turned my apartment in to a swinger's party pad. Ugh. Joe had started dating a teacher from the local elementary school and it looked serious. I actually felt good about that piece of news. He deserved to be happy. There were a couple of other tidbits of gossip from the Burg but I wasn't interested. I clicked reply and let them know I had reached Hank's safely and that I was completely safe here. I sent Daddy a separate email to let him know that Hank was going to start training me in Krav Maga and boxing and that he was gay so would be no danger to my virtue. Daddy was so happy when I had told him I was getting real training and was fitter than I had ever been. I think he was just happy that his pumpkin would no longer be in danger if I went back to chasing skips.

Oscar's message was a quick check in and hello from Mary-Alice. I let him know I had arrived safely and that Hank and I were getting along like a house on fire.

There was an email from admin Rangeman – a collective email from the boys. They missed me. And sent a photo of the crew in their cargos. Just their cargos. On the building roof. In the sun. Muscles, glistening abs, hard bodies…. Oh boy! Must stop looking before I self-combust! That photo is getting printed out for future reference. Well, that's what I was calling it.

Hector's message reduced me to tears. His email said he was proud of me for getting some counselling. I instantly felt 20 feet tall reading that. Hector was proud of me! He went on to divulge one of his secrets, he had spent time being treated for PTSD after getting out of the gang he was trapped in. Apparently the only way of getting out was "bleeding out" and in his case it was the blood of the gang leaders that was spilt. I didn't want to know more but I knew he had been tortured prior to getting out. The tattoos helped to hide his visible scars, but could do nothing to disguise the psychological scars of being tortured. His message gave me hope for my future, hope that I could open my heart without fear of rejection, that I could feel what I needed to feel without trying to conform to the ideals of my family and community.

"_It was during my treatment when I first opened up and allowed myself to care for other people. The gang taught me to hide my feelings, my counsellor and group members taught me it is okay to trust, to love. Don't close yourself off to the chance of love Stephanie, you have a beautiful heart and you should have someone in your life that values you and helps you grow. Be strong, make yourself a priority. I'll be there whenever you need me." _

I was a little hurt that there was nothing from Carlos. Not that I was expecting him to write, but I had hoped for some level of contact.

Lester's email was the last one.

_Hi Beautiful!_

_I miss you so much! It is so boring around here without you. No exploding cars, no skips covered in Vaseline and no-one has been kidnapped – BORING! I wish we could catch up. Ranger and I are leaving for a mission in the morning and I have a smoking hot date tonight with a nurse from St Francis, so this will be a short one. We'll be back in a few months so take care of yourself, Beautiful. Thanks for what you said, it means a lot to me. You deserve someone who loves you too. _

_I've seen you torn up over my cousin for too long. I know you two haven't spoken in a really long time so you probably don't know what's been going on. Steph, he's back with Jeanne Ellen and they are getting close again. He loves you, you are one of his closest friends, but I think that's all it is for him. I'm so sorry you have to hear this in an email but I wanted you to know. _

_I'll message you when we get back home, but promise me you will keep yourself safe. _

_I miss you Beautiful._

_Les_

I closed my laptop and wiped the tears from my eyes. I was mourning the loss of a relationship that never was, but that didn't stop it hurting.


	18. Everyday Life

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**Chapter 17: Everyday Life **

I smacked the snooze button on the alarm clock with all my strength. Ugh! 6am training had come around too soon. It was Wednesday morning and I had been in Tampico for a month. Today it was run, range and weight training. The training I had been doing with Oscar and now Hank had made a major impact on my body. I actually had abs – only a four pack, but there was no flab there. My arms had great definition, as did my legs, which I was now happy to show off in my bar uniform of short black shorts and a royal blue fitted t-shirt. On the nights I sang, I wore jeans and a nice top, figuring the better I looked the less the patrons would complain if I hit a bum note. I was more confident that ever and felt more alive than I had in a long time. I could now happily look at myself in the mirror and I liked who I saw. The only part of my life that I was unhappy with was my love life. Non-existent. Nil, nada, nix, zip. Problem number one: I was the American chica who lived with Hank, which put me off-limits to anyone in town. Problem number two: Antonio Banderas had not come to town in his Desperado clothes (damn). Problem number three: apparently the heart wants what the heart wants. And the heart still wants a man who is in love with someone else, who just so happens to be the anti-me. Stupid heart.

I dressed in running shorts and a sports bra, topped with a light blue tank. Hank and I ran 7 miles most mornings, leaving Freyja behind to protect the bar except when we went to the beach. Freyja had turned into my teddy bear and my semi-regular sleeping companion after a couple of days of living at Hank's. I think Hank was a little jealous, but I loved it! I would absolutely be adopting a fur baby when I went home. After the run and a light weight session in the gym downstairs, Hank made me a 3-egg omelette with locally cured ham and queso fresco, a cheese similar to mozzarella. Fuelled on protein, we hit the range at half past ten to complete our training for the day. My training had become an obsession with me, particularly in the last couple of weeks. I now understood why Carlos and the Merry Men worked out as hard as they did. It was addictive and missing a day or two, particularly due to an injury, made me feel like crap. One thing I refused to compromise on was food. I no longer ate takeaway, in fact the smell of McDonalds (other than the cure) made me nauseous. The cure was not junk food. The cure was for medicinal purposes and therefore is not bad for me. But I did not live on salads, oh no. This body took a lot of work but it was no temple. I learnt to cook properly with Hank and we ate really incredible food. Real cream, cheese, steak, fish, lots of vegetables from the garden and the local markets, fresh fruit and homemade breads and tortillas. Life is too short to eat rubbish. I have no idea how I managed to survive on sugar and trans fats for so long! Hank's rule with food was that if he needed a dictionary or an additive decoder to understand what the ingredients in something were, he didn't eat it. I wasn't so rigid, but I had to agree with what he said after he made me vanilla ice-cream out of cream, eggs, vanilla and a bit of sugar, then showed me the ingredients of one from the store. So then I stupidly googled the ingredients for one of my favourite snacks back home, Butterscotch Krimpets. Suffice to say I will never eat one again.

I enjoyed living in Tampico, but I knew in my heart it wasn't long term. I promised Hank I would stay probably for three more months and then I would head home. In the meanwhile I was going to make the most of my time here. Tampico was fairly big but it was still a charming city, with gorgeous beaches that I visited at every opportunity, French style architecture, an incredibly diverse history and locals that had so far been mostly friendly. It felt safe. Every Sunday, while Hank went surfing, I'd sit on the beach with Freyja and write in my journal, or walk, or plan for what would happen next in my life. I decided I wanted to go back into the BEA and security field. In short, I decided I wanted to work for Rangeman. In Miami. I knew I would have to go through Rangeman testing but, thanks to my boys Oscar and Hank, I was pretty sure I would pass with flying colours. I couldn't work in the same building where Carlos and Jeanne Ellen lived, but I knew that I wanted to get back into that field of work and the beaches in Miami were calling me. I also decided I would try to get a part-time job at a bar so I could keep singing. It was something I felt passionate about and I felt like I was good at it.

Hank was working wonders on my self-esteem too. He had been through intensive counselling himself and had qualified as a counsellor after he left the military. He had left Australia with a heavy weight on his shoulders after getting discharged. He had been married but formed a relationship with a fellow soldier while based in the Middle East, which was when he admitted to himself that he was gay. The soldier had finished his tour and gone home to the US. Hank was involved in a particularly horrible mission shortly thereafter, where he was taken prisoner and held by the enemy. Careful not to give away any classified information, he told me he had been tortured and sexually abused until he was released as part of a prisoner exchange deal. When he returned to Australia, he was, in his words, a broken shell. His wife couldn't deal with the after effects of the trauma and left. He entered an intensive rehabilitation facility in Australia and then travelled to the US to be treated in a specialist facility. He visited Tampico on holiday once he had completed his treatment and, as he said, he found his paradise. Freyja was his PTSD dog, recommended by the doctors at the facility in the States and she was now his lifeline. His story broke my heart. I felt like the depression I was fighting was nothing compared to the horrific nightmare he had endured and the ongoing after effects he still contended with.

He talked to me about the importance of goal setting and celebrating success, even if it was a small step forward. So that afternoon, I showed Hank the list that I had made last year and together we ticked off my accomplishments.

Mental health:  
>Find a counsellor – done.<br>Get out of Trenton – done.  
>Can I look myself in the eyes in the mirror and like what I see – absolutely.<p>

Physical health:  
>Drink water not soda – water was so important in a hot environment, especially when we worked out as hard as we did. Done.<br>Stop drinking alcohol every day – I had the occasional beer on the days the bar was open, but Sunday night was shots night. From a positive perspective, I no longer relied on alcohol as self-medication, nor did I use it to get to sleep after a bad day. Better still, I no longer drank on my own. I was happy to mark this one off the list.  
>Takeaway once a week – no takeaway in ages, except the cure, which I maintain is for medicinal purposes. Chocolate was an occasional requirement for PMS, but I ate a square or two of quality chocolate instead of half a dozen bars of crap. My eating habits were probably the most surprising part of my self-transformation. I had no idea how bad eating rubbish was making me feel until I stopped doing it. My skin looked a million times better which meant I worried less about make-up than ever before. I think I could mark this one off and kiss the jersey girl look goodbye forever.<br>Exercise every second day for 30 minutes – Hank and I laughed about this one. Try daily. So completely done.

Career:  
>Resign from Vinnie's – yup.<br>Resign from Rangeman – yeah, but I'll apply for my job back and this time it will be based on my merits, not because the boss had the hots for me, or felt sorry for me.  
>Work out what I was going to do when I got back from my trip away – Miami here I come!<br>Defence training and learn how to use my gun properly – Baaaaahahaha!

Relationships:  
>Get to know and love myself – self love, yep, expert. Well, it has been more than a year!<br>I will not start another relationship with anyone until I could honestly look myself in the eye and love myself – at last, I could do this.

Was I ready for another relationship? Maybe I was. If Carlos, Mr "my life doesn't lend itself to relationships" can be in a relationship with Cat Woman, maybe there is hope for me yet.


	19. Exploring

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

Warning: This chapter contains attempted sexual assault and violence.

**Chapter 18: Exploring**

After training I continued my daily exploration of Tampico, falling more and more in love with the city and its people. My favourite part of Tampico was the beach, which had become the balm for my soul. I think Hank's laid-back surfer lifestyle was influencing me a little more than I originally thought. The older architecture in Tampico was a mix of early Spanish and French styles and it reminded me a lot of the old areas of New Orleans. The seaport was the one area I avoided, I had no real interest in the ultra-industrialised section of town. I loved walking around the city and exploring, spending time in the Cathedral, Plaza de la Libertad, Piramide de las Flores and Plaza de Armas. I also spend a great deal of time at the Espacio Cultural Metropolitano which held the art gallery and cultural museum and shopping at the local markets, talking to the stall holders and people watching was a great way to spend my down time.

The drug wars that were escalating in other parts of Mexico hadn't hit Tampico, yet. The Los Zetas cartel was in control in Tampico and aside from the obvious was not too bad to live with. They controlled the port area as well as the brothels and some of the clubs in the area. Hank paid "pizzo" as my Dad would call it, or protection money, to basically leave his bar alone. He further sweetened the deal by letting the leadership of the cartel drink for free when they came in. Maybe "let" is too strong a word.

The Gulf Cartel (Cartel del Golfo) was gaining in strength but word on the street was that the Los Zetas and MS-13 (Mara Salvatrucha) were trying to reach an accord to work together to keep the Gulf Cartel out of the area. Hank and I had agreed that we would skip town as soon as either the violence escalated or the Gulf Cartel became visible. But until that happened, the town away from the port area felt safe.

I was walking back from the market after picking up some fresh fish for our dinner when I heard a scuffle down one of the small alleyways. Three men had accosted an elderly woman and were holding her in the alley while they rifled through her shopping and handbag. I couldn't walk by and let her get robbed, or worse. She looked like she had a skinned knee and some bruising on her arm and face already. They had ripped open her blouse, exposing her breasts. Assholes. Rhino Steph kicked into gear.

"_Let her go," _I growled.

"_Ahhhh little chica, want to play with some real men?"_

"_Show me a real man and I would be happy to play!" _Idiot Steph had taken over. Boy, was that the wrong thing to say! Sure enough, goon number one dropped his pants and started caressing his little amigo. Emphasis on little. I shuddered and looked back at the woman. She looked absolutely terrified.

"_You want to take her place, puta?" _one of the men growled.

I checked over my shoulder for any sign of someone who could raise the alarm or help. I couldn't hear or see anyone, but in my favour it was a dead-end alley and there were only the three men to worry about. Thanking God for my training, I walked further into the alley and nodded. Surprisingly, the men let her go. As she passed me, I spoke quietly to the woman.

"_Go, get yourself home. I will be fine."_

"_No, you cannot do this" _she sobbed.

"_Trust me," _I winked and smiled at her. _"I will be fine. Get yourself to safety."_

"_Gracias my angel." _Her eyes showed a mixture of relief and fear. She quickly grabbed her bags and scurried out of the alley, back up the street.

I hoped she would be okay, then I turned my full attention on the men who had hurt her. Goon two and three walked towards me. A quick scan showed they were armed with knives. Goon one had a gun tucked into his waistband. With his hand on his cock, still, he was a little distracted. Good. Smart Steph didn't want to shoot these idiots. Rhino Steph did. Smart Steph won because I didn't want to have to deal with a potential murder charge. A swift kick to the temple disabled Goon two. As I landed, I threw a punch and connected with the other guy's nose. Two for two, both of the men were on the ground and I sent a thank you skywards to Hank and Oscar for teaching me how to defend myself. Before I got too caught up in the self-congratulations, goon one pulled out his gun.

"_I was going to have some fun with you, now I am going to kill you and then I will fuck you." _Ewwww. Ever heard of subtlety asshole?

I always carried two guns and a knife when I was out by myself. Yes, the boys from Rangeman were right all along. My Sig was in a custom holster on my waistband at the small of my back. My new Baby Glock was on my ankle, hidden by my boot leg jeans. I also had a knife in my pocket. I held my hands out to the side and dropped my shopping bag.

"_Please, don't hurt me." _I didn't have to fake the fear in my voice. If either of the other two men decided to intervene, or if this idiot decided to use his gun, I was in trouble. "_I just want to get home, I just couldn't watch the old lady get hurt. Do what you want, but please, I want to get home."_

"_You listen to me, puta. You do as I say, I might let you go. If you fight, I'll let the boys have a turn as well. Now, you suck my cock, or I will shoot you in the eye."_

"_I'll do anything you say. I have a family at home. I won't tell anyone. Please, just let me go." _I let tears fall from my eyes. Hell yes I was scared!

"_On your knees bitch. If you bite, I will shoot you and break your teeth."_

I dropped to my knees as he approached with his now rock hard cock still in his hands. He had stroked himself the whole time. Nice to know what was important to him. As he got closer, I knew he would stop concentrating on my hands. Idiot. When he was a couple of inches away, close enough that I could smell him, I pulled my Sig out of the holster at the small of my back and held it to his balls. Then closed my eyes, turned my head and fired.

Goon one, minus balls, lay on the ground screaming in pain. I picked up his gun, a nice Beretta 84FS I noted in passing, and tucked it into my waistband. I found some wire lying on the ground a few feet away. I wrapped the wire around his hands and feet, effectively hog tying him. There was some plastic rope securing a stack of cardboard that I cut free with my knife and used to tie the other two idiots together. Someone else could deal with them.

"_I'll fucking kill you, bitch!" _he screamed at me.

"_Good luck asshole. If I see you again I will cut off your cock and feed it to you."_

I walked out of the alleyway and headed toward home. I needed a shower, a gallon of disinfectant and a very stiff drink. About half a mile down the road I saw the woman sitting on a bench, sobbing.

"_Are you hurt? Can I help you get home?"_

"_Oh, it's you! My angel!" _Her face lit up and she smiled through her tears. "_I was so scared they would hurt you."_

"_I'm okay. I left them tied up in the alley, someone else can deal with him or call the police."_

"_Do you have a mobile phone? I'd like to call my son."_

"_Of course."_

I handed her my phone and walked a couple of feet away to give her some privacy for her call.

"_Gracias. What is your name? I can't keep calling you my angel."_

"_My name is Stephanie. I'm just glad I could help you before they could hurt you worse."_

She reached out and took my hand in both of hers, her gratitude evident on her face. _"I am Lucia Patrán. My son, Esteban, will be here soon to take me home. Is there anything I can do to thank you?"_

"_It was my pleasure to teach those assholes, oh I am so sorry, those men, how to treat a lady with respect."_

"_I just thank God you came when you did. The Los Zetas keep the streets safe for most of us but they can't be everywhere."_

Interesting. We kept chatting until a very sexy black '69 Camaro pulled up.

"_That's my son, Esteban." _Lucia announced.

He got out of the car and…. wow. He was gorgeous. He wasn't overly tall, around 5'10, but he was ripped and showing it off to perfection in black jeans and a white t-shirt that fitted like a glove. He had short hair with a longish fringe and his eyes were hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. I think I drooled.

"_Esteban, this is the angel who rescued me, Stephanie."_

"_Thank you for protecting my mother." _He hugged his mother to his chest, then kissed her gently on the cheek. He looked over to me and I saw the anger in his eyes. "_Do you know the men who hurt her?"_

"_If you head back down to the west, about half a mile down you'll find an alleyway just behind La Chacona. I left the three of them in the alley. I hope they are still there." _I smiled wryly._ "One is a little injured, but he was the one who assaulted your mother."_

"_I will take my mother home, can I offer you a ride as well?"_

"_No, thank you, I am almost there. I live at Ricardo's, do you know it?"_

"_I know it very well, but I haven't been for some time. I will come by on Thursday to let you know how Mama is feeling."_

He stepped away and pulled out his mobile phone, then got back in his car. I heard him give the person on the other end the location of the alley and asked them to bring the men in. He must be in law enforcement, or something.

Lucia hugged me. _"Thank you. I will light a candle to thank God for you."_

"_I'm glad I could help you. You should go home and rest now." _I helped her into Esteban's car and waved goodbye, then headed off for home. As I walked, I realised I was looking forward to seeing Esteban again on Thursday. Maybe, just maybe, I could get to know him better. The thought of getting to know him brought on a feeling I hadn't felt in a long, long time. Desire.


	20. Someone New

**Note: **Updates and review responses may be a little slow for a while. I've spent the last four days holding the hand of one of the two incredible women who raised my husband. Watching her fight for every breath has been so difficult but being with her in her last days has been the most rewarding experience. RIP lovely lady.

**Chapter 19**: **Someone New**

Thursday seemed to drag on forever. I ran 7 miles with Hank that morning, averaging six minutes per mile which is a pretty cracking pace if I do say so myself. We practiced Krav Maga for our sparring session and I ended up with a bruised rib cage thanks to my illustrious trainer, who now only half pulled his punches and kicks.

I was working behind the bar tonight on my own while Hank worked the door. It was going to be a quiet one, being mid-week plus we had no live music scheduled. We had decided when I first arrived for me to use the name Bella while I was working purely because Stephanie Plum was too damn easy to trace back to Trenton and possibly Rangeman. We had two waitresses that usually worked with us, Ana and Rosa, but only Ana was on tonight. By seven we probably had twenty people in the bar. It was a dead quiet night. I looked up from the trays I was wiping down and noticed Hank in deep discussion with a small group of men at the door. I watched carefully, waiting to see if Hank signalled for backup, either from me or the selection of weapons we kept behind the counter. He nodded and let the men through. Two obvious bodyguards walked in first and secured two tables in the corner near the stage. Then Esteban walked in with another man. Both wore black dress trousers and white t-shirts and both were carrying handguns, openly displayed in shoulder holsters. Ana walked over to take their orders and brought their requests to me. Easy, two Johnnie Walker Black on ice and two cokes. Esteban looked over while Ana set the drinks down and nodded at me. I returned the nod and smiled. Then he smiled back and my heart skipped a beat. Wow, he could stop traffic with that smile. Hank saw the exchange and looked pointedly at me. Yeah, I knew that look, we'd be talking later tonight. Esteban and his companion sat and discussed whatever they were discussing for a good hour. They ordered a steady supply of drinks and built up a decent tab.

At 8.30, Hank asked me if I wanted to do a couple of songs with him. He asked Ana to cover both bar and tables while we got up to sing. Hank picked up his beautiful Maton acoustic guitar and quickly tuned it. Given that we were so quiet tonight, I set the volume on the mic lower than normal.

"_Hi folks, it's a quiet one tonight so Hank and I are going to play a couple of songs for you."_

We started with I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, then Manos al Aire by Nelly Furtado. That one kills me every time. The lyrics are basically my relationship with Carlos set to music. We finished up with one of Hank's favourite songs, Flame Trees by Cold Chisel. I hadn't heard much Aussie music besides AC/DC before I started living with Hank but that had certainly changed now. Cold Chisel, AC/DC, Hunters & Collectors, The Living End and The Divinyls were among my favourites. The tiny crowd applauded and Esteban stood and raised his glass to me as we walked off the stage. I went back behind the bar and caught up with orders, topping up the bar and cleaning. Esteban approached the bar and waved me over.

"_You have a beautiful voice Stephanie."_

"_Gracias Esteban. How is your mother?"_

"_She's fine, a few scrapes and bruises, she was very frightened. Papa has agreed to walk with her to the market from now on to make sure she is safe."_

"_I'm so glad to hear that." _

"_The men that hurt her will not cause you any more problems."_

I wondered what he meant by that, but I was glad to hear it all the same._ "I'm grateful. As long as your mother is feeling better I'm thankful to see the end of this. Gracias."_

"_De nada. Mama would like to invite you to la comida on Sunday, to say thank you in person. I'll pick you up at 1 and bring you home, to make sure you are safe. Please say you'll come."_

"_How could I say no? Please tell her I appreciate the invitation. Shall I bring anything? Some wine?"_

"_Mama does not allow alcohol in the house since Papa had his heart attack."_

"_Oh, of course."_

"_There is no need to bring anything, Mama will be thankful for your company."_

"_I look forward to it."_

I tried hard to reign in my mounting enthusiasm, only letting the broad smile break over my face when he was a safe distance away. I had a date! Well, with his mother and father, but I had a date!

Sunday came around too quickly. After running on my own in the morning while Hank went to the beach, I returned and made myself a quick omelette for breakfast. Fuelling up with the eggs and a strong coffee, I went upstairs to go through my wardrobe for appropriate clothes to wear. I decided on a pair of khaki tailored cargo pants with a crisp white shirt that was cut to wear without tucking in. I would be able to wear my guns and would carry my knife in my bag. I added a silver and turquoise necklace and a pair of Report Signature Lucie 2 high heeled sandals and deemed my outfit acceptable. It was only 10.30, so I decided to head to the gym to do weights and belt the crap out of the punching bag to settle my nerves. At 12, I went back upstairs to have a shower and get ready. Once I was done, I checked myself out in the mirror before heading down to meet Esteban. My red hair suited the outfit perfectly and the necklace made my eyes seem a lighter, brighter blue. Grey eye make-up and clear gloss completed the look and I was good to go. The guns were practically invisible and my improved physique was shown off to perfection.

"I look good," I said to myself in the mirror. And I felt it. A slight buzz settled over my skin; this feeling of being in control of myself and the feeling of loving who I saw in the mirror? It was amazing. It had been a long time since my steps were as light as right now.

I took Freyja back downstairs and let her out into the rear yard and then went back up to the bar to grab a couple of bottles of non-alcoholic apple cider from the fridge. I headed to the front of Ricardo's to wait for Esteban. It was exactly one o'clock when his car pulled up. He wore black jeans and a tight black polo shirt, looking mind-numbingly gorgeous and instantly reminding me of another man in black that I knew who was also notoriously prompt and frustratingly sexy.

"_Good afternoon Stephanie. You look beautiful." _Esteban's smooth voice jolted me from my inner flummoxing thoughts. I shook myself out of my stupor and sent him a dazzling smile.

"_Gracias Esteban," _I replied, almost shyly._ "I'm really looking forward to today."_

Esteban held the door open for me and I got into his gorgeous Camaro. My dad had taught me about cars growing up and I still held a soft spot for sexy, powerful cars. I shivered delightedly as the engine purred, light vibrations zipping through my body.

We arrived as his mother's house after about a 15 minute drive. It was a large home, with a paved driveway in front, white stucco and terracotta roof tiles. The gardens were beautifully manicured, displaying some gorgeous tropical plants but it felt homely and not in the slightest bit contrived. Lucia met me at the door and held her arms open for a hug.

"_Stephanie, my angel. I cannot express my gratitude enough. Please, come in, welcome to our home." _She turned and yelled out over her shoulder "_Javier! Stephanie and Esteban are here!" _

An older, greyer version of Esteban appeared. He was a similar height, not nearly as trim as his son, but still a very good looking man.

"_Stephanie, I am Javier, welcome to our home. Thank you for saving my Lucia." _I sent as charming a smile as I could muster towards him.

"_It was my pleasure Javier. Thank you so much for welcoming me into your home and sharing your meal with me. I brought some non-alcoholic apple cider that Hank imports from Australia to share. It is very refreshing, I hope you enjoy it."_

_La comida_ or "the meal" is a traditional Mexican lunch that was a long, very filling affair. Hank and I usually ate two meals a day because of the hours we worked at the bar, but when we were invited for _la comida,_ we usually didn't bother eating again that day.

As we went into the sitting room, Lucia told me more about her family. Lucia and Javier Patrán were aged in their late 60s and had married when she was 16 and he was 18. They had had three sons, two of whom had passed away and Esteban, the youngest who, Lucia told me proudly, who now ran an import and export business after having served in the Grupo Aeromóvil de Fuerzas Especiales (GAFE), the Mexican Army's Special Forces Airmobile Corps. She told me Esteban was 39, which stunned me because he looked no older than I was. When Esteban left the room to take a call on his mobile, she whispered to me that he had been married in his twenties and that his wife had died in an accident while pregnant with their first child. Neither had survived. I suspected a bit of matchmaking in progress when she made a point of telling me he wasn't currently seeing anyone. I think I should introduce her to my mother, who was famous for inviting single men to dinner to meet me whenever Joe and I had been in an off phase. I cringed internally, thinking how Mom would be when I got back to Trenton as a confirmed single woman in her thirties. Ugh. I knew she loved me but she could be a little pushy sometimes.

Lucia and I conversed easily in Spanish, chatting away about everything and nothing. Javier obviously doted on her. I watched him watch her as she spoke – the love in his eyes was evident. As we stood to go into the dining room for la comida, he walked to her and offered his hand to help her stand up, then held her hand until they sat at the table. Although they sat at opposite ends, he watched her constantly. He was in love. Lucia was more subtle in her affections, but just sweet. She made up his plate, walked around to his place and delivered it with a kiss. She smiled in his direction throughout the meal, even though she, Esteban and I talked almost non-stop. After growing up with parents who almost never showed affection to each other in public, this was a rare treat to watch. My heart ached. I wished I could find someone who, even after 50 years of marriage still looked at me like I was the only woman in the world, and who I looked at as the only man in the world. Sigh.

We ate, and ate, and ate. Lucia had put on a banquet that would put any restaurant to shame. Before I left Trenton, my knowledge of Mexican food was restricted to tacos, burritos, corn chips and tequila. Oh how wrong I had been! I started with a small bowl _Caldo de Pollo_ (Chicken Soup), because it reminded me of home. Grandma Plum used to make chicken soup when we were sick and I still missed it. There were tortillas and different salsas spread throughout the main dishes on the table. Lucia pointed out the different salsas so I could match them with my tastes and preference for heat. I noticed all of the dishes seemed to be healthy, there were no quesadillas dripping in melted cheese, no pork spare ribs drowning in oil.

"_Mama has made all of the dishes a healthier version, to make sure Papa lives a long and healthy life." _Esteban said, smiling at me as I surveyed the table. Damn ESP. They must teach it in the army no matter what country you train in.

"_It looks wonderful, I'm thankful too. It means I won't have to go for another run to burn it off later!" _I said with a laugh.

I rubbed my hands together with glee and decided where to start. _Ceviche con aguacate_ (Lime-cured fish with avocado) was the next dish I sampled. It was full of flavour and the fish was perfectly cured, tender and a delicious mix of sour, sweet and spicy. Oh I was in heaven! Lucia handed me a clean plate when I was done and I headed straight for the _pollo pibil_ (Yucatan style barbequed chicken) which I served with a corn tortilla and topped with red onion salsa. I cleaned my plate and then I loaded up with _Pierna de Puerco Adobada_ (Roasted Pork Leg in Adobo Sauce) that was so tender it fell apart on my fork. I teamed that with _Ensalada de Nopales_ (Cactus Salad). I think I let out an audible moan, it was the most delicious roast pork I had ever had.

"_It is clear you love food Stephanie, I am so thankful you aren't one of those salad-eating girls that starve themselves." _Lucia declared, and I think she was laughing at me. I grinned a little sheepishly.

"_I have always loved food, but I only recently found an appreciation for Mexican food. I moved down here a short time ago and but had spent the previous year near San Antonio in Texas, so I learnt how delicious real Mexican food can be. I have to say though, this is the most delicious lunch I have ever had."_

"_Do you cook as well?" _She asked me with a smile.

"_Not well," _I admitted with a grin,_ "although I am getting better. I never learnt how to cook before I left my home town. I grew up in a Hungarian Italian house where my mother did all the cooking, but she wasn't a great teacher. I was taught to cook by two friends who took me in and gave me a job when I needed it."_

"_You mentioned going for a run," _Esteban remarked. _"Do you work out a lot? I mean, you eat well and you are tiny, so you must, yes?"_

I laughed. _"I'm lucky I have a great metabolism so I can eat pretty much anything without looking like an elephant. I run each day and I'm learning self-defence with Hank who runs Ricardo's, but that is for my own benefit and safety, not to keep slim."_

"_And I thank God for that as well. I shudder to think what may have happened to my darling wife if you had not rescued her from those criminals." _Javier spoke for the first time since the meal started.

"_It was my honour to help Lucia. I could not walk by and do nothing, those men meant to hurt her."_

"_They will never touch you again, Mama." _Esteban said with a note of finality in his voice. Must remember to ask him about that later, I thought.

We continued to eat and talk. When I thought my stomach would explode, I sat back and rubbed my belly. I was completely contented, "as full as a goog" as my Grandma would say.

"_I hope you saved room for coffee and dessert", _Lucia said with a smile.

"_There is always room for dessert!" _I laughed at how insistent my voice was.

I helped Lucia clear the table and offered to help with the dishes. She refused, saying it was a tradition for her and Javier to do the dishes together.

"_It's the little traditions, like doing the dishes together, or going for a walk together in the evening, that have kept our love alive all these years." _This simple revelation touched my heart. A small contented smile played on Lucia's lips and it was clear as day to anyone who would notice; she was and always would be as madly in love with Javier as she was the first time she met him.

"_It's so wonderful to see, Lucia," _I told her, heartfelt._ "You are both so completely in love with each other. I can only dream of finding someone like that."_

"_I pray for the same for my Esteban. I thought that Adelita was the other half of his heart, and it broke him when she and the baby died. Have you been married?" _I grimaced.

"_Yes, for about 15 minutes. Unfortunately he cheated on me just after we married. It was not a happy divorce." _

"_Are you Catholic? Did you have the marriage annulled?"_

Esteban's voice from the kitchen doorway startled us both. _"Mama, leave Stephanie alone." _

"_It's alright Esteban." _I insisted, I was happy to answer the question because it was asked without malice._ "Yes, I am Catholic. No, I did not have the marriage annulled, actually I don't want to get married again."_

"_Oh, my dear, you just haven't found the right man, yet." _She sent a sly smile my way.

"_Now Mama, that's enough for today." _Esteban's cheeks were a little pink. I think his mother may have embarrassed him, just a bit. "_Why don't we sit down for coffee and flan?"_

"_Flan? We're having flan?" _I couldn't help little girl-type tone, I was excited, I loved flan!

To complement the flan, Lucia served _Café De Olla_, which was a real treat. It's strong coffee, sweetened with brown sugar and flavoured with cloves and cinnamon and brewed in an olla de barro, a clay pot that sits on the stove. Lucia had added orange zest as well. I drank mine black as instructed by Javier. It was exquisite and suited the flan perfectly.

It was the most enjoyable lunch I had had in a long time. Lucia, Javier and Esteban treated me like family and I felt completely at ease and like I belonged. I was surprised when, at 4, Esteban offered to take me home. Where had the time gone? We drove back to the bar in silence, me in a food coma and Esteban, I think, enjoying the peace after his mother and I had talked non-stop for hours. When Esteban pulled in outside the bar, he got out and came around to open my door and offered his hand to help me out of the car. We stood on the sidewalk but Esteban did not let go of my hand.

"_Thank you for a wonderful day Stephanie. My mother and father enjoyed your company, and I cannot thank you enough for saving her." _I felt it as my cheeks took on a pink tinge.

"_De nada. And I would do it again in a second, she is a remarkable woman."_

He took a step closer, still holding my hand. He placed the other hand against my cheek, softly, then he kissed me. It was a gentle kiss, but it held the promise of more to come.

"_Can I see you again?" _he asked. My heart skipped, thudding lightly at the question.

"_I'd like that Esteban," _I answered honestly.

"_I'll be at the bar next Thursday night," _he told me, smiling brilliantly in return_. "We'll talk then."_

"_I look forward to it. Goodbye Esteban."_

"_I'll see you soon Stephanie."_

I watched him drive away then walked into the bar and walked upstairs for a nap. I left a note for Hank not to wake me up, I needed to sleep off the food coma. I stripped down to my panties and threw on a tank top to sleep in. My dreams were filled with warm, tender kisses and gentle caresses. For the first time in years, I dreamed about someone other than Carlos. I woke up flushed, aroused and gasping. There was no way I was going back to sleep, feeling like this. I ran my hand across my breasts, feeling my nipples harden at my touch. I caressed myself, enjoying the feeling and imagining the hand belonged to Esteban. I continued to caress my breasts and pinch at my nipples with my left hand, and ran my right hand across my stomach and downwards, stroking, circling, gently pinching, building up the sensation until I could take no more. As I neared orgasm, the face I imagined was split, and I pictured both Carlos and Esteban. Esteban licking and biting at my nipples and Carlos between my thighs, licking, sucking, using his fingers to bring me to the brink, and finally biting down gently as I exploded into an orgasm so violent I almost blacked out. I lay back on my bed, gasping for air. As I drifted back to sleep, completely sated now, I said a silent prayer. Please, watch over Carlos and Lester so they can come home safely, and let me learn to open my heart again.


	21. Too Much Information

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN: **Thank you for the kind wishes. The last week has been awful but it was made much easier by your kind words of support. I really appreciate it.

I wanted to quickly reply to some of the guest posts. This is still a Babe story. This Steph is putting herself first on her list of priorities for the first time but she will not be making too many silly decisions and Esteban's role in all this will be defined shortly. Stay with me, the happy ending is a little way off but it is coming.

On with the show!

**Chapter 20: Too Much Information**

I finally got out of bed at around 9pm and wandered down to the kitchen to find Hank. He was sitting at a table in the bar eating noodles.

"Had a good sleep did we?" he asked with a little smirk.

"Naturally, I was in a food coma," I replied succinctly, and completely not discussing anything else. "How was the surf?"

"Not great today, but I met up with a guy I know from home, Richie. He is on a trip with a couple of his cousins from New Zealand and they are looking for some cash in hand work. They're coming here on Thursday and I promised Richie he could play a set with you for $50 – he's a guitarist and sings real well. I'll check out the other two while they are here and see what you think, before I give them a job."

Hank trusted my spidey sense as much as I did.

"Sounds good to me," I replied. After a bit of thinking time I added, "but can you get him to come in early so we can work out what songs to do, maybe for dinner? And can you get both the girls to work? If I am doing a long set we might get short-handed and Ana can jump behind the bar." I decided to ask Hank about Esteban, he was a pretty good judge of character and I trusted his judgement. "Hey, you know Esteban Patrán? I had lunch with him and his parents today. It was his mom I rescued from those muggers the other day. Anyway, he's dropping by the bar on Thursday as well."

"Steph, are you involved with him?" Hank asked frankly, a small crease appearing between his brows.

"We're not seeing each other, he just took me to lunch. But I like him. Why?"

"He's not the type of guy I would…"

"Shut up for a sec! What's that on the news?" The TV that sat on the wall above the pool table was on, showing the late news. Lately the news had been filled with stories of drug-related violence and murders as the warring cartels fought over territory, but this story caught my attention and I turned up the volume. Oh shit.

The reporter was saying that three decapitated bodies had been found dumped under a bridge on freeway, near the port in Tampico. One of the three men apparently showed significant signs of torture and had been shot "between the legs" as the newsreader so delicately put it. I looked at the images of the bodies that they displayed, with the worst bits pixelated out. Crap. I knew I recognised those clothes.

"Holy shit!" I gasped.

"What?" asked Hank, his frown deepening.

"I'm pretty sure I know who they are." I gulped.

"Who?"

"The one missing his balls is the guy was going to rape Lucia, Esteban's mother. He threatened to kill and rape me, in that order. I shot him in the balls while he was trying to get me to suck his dick."

"Are you shitting me?" Hank's voice raised fractionally in disbelief.

"Oh my god." I was horrified. Esteban was so insistent the men would never hurt us again. Was he somehow involved in their deaths?

"What exactly happened that day? Leave nothing out. I think I need to hear it all." His voice was firm, and I knew him well enough to know that this was no time to argue.

"Okay then, ummm, right. I was walking back from the market, past the alley just behind La Chacona. I saw a woman in the alley, Lucia, being held by two men with a third going through her bags. Her blouse was ripped, her chest exposed. I knew what they were planning, that she was going to be raped, and I just couldn't walk past and let it happen." I closed my eyes and my memory provided all the details in full, technicolour detail. I continued. "I walked into the alley and told them to let her go. They asked me something stupid, like did I want to play with some real men. I stupidly answered "Show me a real man and I'd be happy to play". So of course, the main guy pulled out his dick and started jerking off. Nice, huh? He offered to let Lucia go if I took her place."

"You didn't…" Hank looked at me in disbelief.

"Of course I did! I wasn't going to let her get raped or worse, not when I could stop it. They were fat, smelly and looked like they weren't too much of a threat. I checked them for weapons too. The two idiots had knives, the main goon had a gun, but his hands were busy." A visual of exactly what he was doing popped into my brain before I could stop it. Ewwww. "Yeah. So anyway, I told Lucia to go. She called me her angel. It was sweet."

"You're a sap, Steph." The vaguest hint of his teasing smile reappeared and a small bit of relief seeped through me. I shot him a mock glare.

"Bite me. Anyway, the two idiots with knives came at me, the other guy was still busy with both hands." Enough with the visuals! "Seriously, it wasn't big enough to warrant two hands. But still. One got knocked out with a kick to the temple, the other ended up with a pancake for a nose."

"Both out?"

"Like a light. The wanker, hardie har har, finally worked out he should pull his gun, so he did. That's when he told me he would kill me then rape me. I got a bit grossed out by that. Anyway, long story short, he forced me onto my knees and pointed the gun at my eye. When he got close enough I pulled my Sig and shot him in the nuts. Then I hog-tied him with wire and tied the other two with some plastic rope I found."

"And how did Esteban get involved?"

"How did you know? I found Lucia about half a mile down the road. She asked if she could use my mobile to call her son. He pulled up in a sexy '69 Camaro, I told him briefly what happened, he asked where the guys were and…. oh my fucking god. He killed them?"

"Steph, what do you think? I have to ask, did you get one of your bad feelings with him?" Hank looked at me critically, letting me know that he trusted my spidey sense, but I would have to be honest about them to him.

"With him, no. With his body-guards, yes." Hank sighed, looking at me steadily before he spoke.

"Steph, he is Los Zetas."

_What?_ I thought. _The drug cartel?_ "Are you kidding me?"

"He's said to be a straight business man, doesn't touch drugs, and never gets his hands dirty. He was in the Mexican Special Forces, so it's not like he hasn't got skills, but from what I heard he's kept himself clean aside from wiping out a the guys that caused a car crash that killed…."

"I know about that. It was his wife, she was pregnant."

We both stopped and thought about that for a while. I wondered how far I would go to protect or avenge someone I loved. I knew it already, I had killed to protect myself in the past and if it was to protect someone I loved, I would do it again.

Hank's protective nature had him speaking up first. "Yeah, well, maybe you should stay away from him."

"He felt safe Hank. Why is that?"

"I don't know Steph, only you can work that out."

Do I tell him about the kiss? I tossed the idea around in my head for a minute. I thought I probably should. My inner judgement must be off if I kissed a drug dealer! "Ummm, there's more."

"What?"

"He kissed me when he brought me home today. He wants to see me again."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Do you want to see him?"

"I don't want to date a drug dealer!"

"Steph, he pretty much runs the cartel in this area," he huffed out a small sigh. "He gives the orders, the underlings carry them out. Look, you need to be careful. I won't tell you what to do, but I think you should stay away from him." I would be lying if I said that the thought didn't make me sad.

"He's the first guy that I've kissed since I left Trenton," I revealed softly, sounding more vulnerable than I cared for, but feeling it in my heart nonetheless. "I felt something, for the first time in over a year."

"I know sweetheart, I know," Hank's voice was pained and infinitely gentle. "But you have to put yourself and your safety first."

I knew that, I really did. But I liked Esteban and I thought I could really fall for someone like him. What the hell did I know? My history told me I made crap decisions about the men in my life, why should this one be any different? Because I finally felt something for someone who wasn't Carlos. "I don't think I can just shut him out."

"Look, I won't tell you what to do, it's just… I think of you like a sister and I don't want you getting hurt." I smiled through the pain, his words bringing a temporary reprieve to the dull ache in my chest.

"Thanks bro, I love you too. I'll talk to him on Thursday, okay?"

We said goodnight to each other and I stupidly agreed to a 10 mile run at 5.30am. I went up to bed but I was too wired to sleep. I pulled out my laptop and checked my emails. As always, there was an email from Mom, catching up on the Burg gossip. Mrs Markowitz had a heart attack and was in hospital, Gina from Giovichinni's was pregnant, Grandma was still giving her palpitations, Joe and the teacher (Rita, who was apparently a nice Italian girl) were still together and she had moved in to his place. I wrote to Mom to let her know how much I was enjoying Tampico, giving lots of detail about the food. I gave her a brief summary of meeting Lucia and being invited to lunch, skipping any mention of the attempted rape and Esteban, because I knew she would latch onto those details. I also told her I planned to come home in a couple of months.

Daddy had sent me a separate email from his own account that he still thinks Mom doesn't know about. Daddy told me about Joe as well, he wanted to know how I felt about Joe moving on. I wrote back, letting him know I was happy for Joe and I asked him to pass on my best wishes for him and Rita. I also let Daddy know about my plans to move home, but that I wanted to eventually move to Miami, so I would be happy to keep subletting my flat to Grandma but he had to keep this from Mom for now. I knew my dad was enjoying having the house to just him and my mother.

Nothing from Carlos, not that I was expecting anything. Nothing from Lester, so I guessed they were still in the wind. Sixteen emails wanting to know if I wanted a bigger penis, drugs or a mail order bride. Delete, delete, delete.

Oscar and Mary-Alice had moved in together properly. Ain't love grand! The last email was from Hector, giving me a brief catch up on life at Rangeman, as only he can. According to him everything was running like clockwork, except Hal got shot in the leg during a call out to a B&E and was on medical leave for the next few weeks. I decided I would send Hal a get well soon card tomorrow. I sent an email back to Hector.

_Hi Hec!_

_I miss you so much. Life here is amazing. I am still working on my health and other stuff but I have to say I feel better and healthier than I have in a long, long time. I spend a lot of time sitting on the beach and watching the surfers. I am pretty sure you would enjoy the view as much as I do! I wanted to let you know a couple of things but they have to (HAVE TO) stay between us. I trust you and I know you won't let me down. _

_I am planning on coming home in a couple of months. I am not going back to work at Vinnie's because I am sick of being a laughing stock for the Burg and the TPD. I want to work at Rangeman in Miami, but I don't want to ask Ranger for a job, I want to earn it. Can you please send me the employee induction manual so I can check out exactly what I need to do to be considered for employment? If you can't, no problem, I don't want to put you in an awkward position. _

_I'll let you know when I will be back in town. _

_Love, Steph. _

I had a quick look at real estate listings in Miami and was pleasantly surprised. I could buy a 3 bed 2 bath condo in a new development about a 20 minute drive from the Rangeman building for under $300,000. As I was scanning the listings for similar properties, I heard the "ding" announcing new mail. Hector was a God among men. He had sent the Rangeman induction manual, encrypted to within an inch of it's life. The message was simple.

_Hola chica,_

_¡Regresa ya que te echo de menos! _

_Hector_

_(Come back already I miss you!)_

I whispered "I miss you too Hec" back to the screen. I looked at the clock – it was 1.30. Yikes! I closed my laptop and tried to force myself to go to sleep. I tried counting back from 100. No luck. I thought about repeating my fantasy from my afternoon nap and decided that would probably wake me up more than put me to sleep, then I heard light steps in the hall and a scratch at my door. I opened the door and sure enough, my teddy bear Freyja was in the hall. Hank's door was slightly ajar but his room was dark so I assumed he was asleep.

"Come on Freyja, did you want a snuggle?"

She answered by jumping up on my bed and she put her head down. I got back into bed and rubbed her head gently and I felt completely relaxed. Within five minutes I was fast asleep.


	22. Rico

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**Chapter 21: Rico**

**Warning: This chapter includes detail about a sexual assault and discusses emergency contraception, also known as the "morning after" pill. If this offends, please skip. **

I wanted to smash the alarm clock into pieces when it went off. Why had I agreed to get up at 5.30 to run 10 miles? Why? Because I was going to eat Eggs Benedict when I got home, because I needed to run to work off the amount of fat I was about to ingest, because I would never get a job at Rangeman unless I proved to the guys I was worthy of the position. As I ran, I planned how I was going to get to my goal of a job at Rangeman Miami. I wanted a role doing more than searches and background checks, I already knew I could do that stuff and do it well. I wanted to go out in the field, so I would need to pass the full fitness and weapons tests. I also wanted to make use of my business degree, proving to myself and to the management team at Rangeman that I was worth the risk, that I wasn't the "Bombshell" walking disaster any more. I decided I'd sit down with Hank and work out how to get my body and mind ready to be able to ace the tests and interviews. Before I knew it, we were almost done with our run.

We wove our way back into town and headed down the alley towards the gate. A familiar but unexpected sound had us jolting out of our zones and we looked at each other in alarm. Freyja was barking. We both sped up and raced to the gate. Hank quickly unlocked the combination lock and pulled his gun from his side holster. I did the same, thankful we always ran armed. Once we slid the gate open, a quick look in the back yard showed us why she was barking. Freyja had a terrified looking boy, who looked no more than eight years old, bailed up against the fence. She hadn't bitten him, she just wasn't letting him go anywhere.

"Freyja, back down. Come here baby girl." Freyja trotted over to Hank, wagging her tail. "Good girl, brave girl, looking after our home for Daddy were you? That's my good girl."

God Hank is a sap!

"_Who are you and what do you want?" _Hank asked the boy.

"_I only wanted some food, Mama said you had food growing in the yard," _the boy babbled with tears running down his cheeks. _"My tia works for you and I thought it would be alright, but you weren't here, and the dog won't let me go home. Mama needs my help, she can't get out of bed." _He burst into tears and sobbed.

"_Who is your Tia?" _I asked.

"_Ana Guiterrez." _My eyes widened. Ana, our waitress? "_I am Rico."_

"_Why can't your Mama get out of bed?" _I wondered, was she sick or injured? "_Where is your Papa?"_

"_Papa died. A man hurt Mama at her work. She has blood on her legs at the top and he cut her, but she can't go to the doctor. She says it hurts her to walk."_

I switched back to English. "Hank, please, we have to help her. I think his Mama has been raped. I'll go to her and try to get her to a doctor. Can you please get some food packed up for them?"

"I'll come too Steph, I can help with first aid. I'll stop at the Medical Centre first and get a pack of Postinor-2. Can you text me when you get there? Take Freyja, just in case."

"Will do. I'll tell Rico what the plan is and take the food with me."

Hank ran inside and came back out with the first aid kit and two boxes filled with food. I took a peek and saw bread, fruit and vegetables, rice and a cold pack I guessed would contain fresh chicken and fish. There was also a carton of eggs, a bottle of fruit juice and a couple of big bottles of water. Hank handed me my keys and mobile phone which I had forgotten to ask for. I hoped Rico's mother would accept the Postinor-2. It was emergency contraception, which prevented pregnancy if taken within 48 hours. I knew Catholics were against all forms of contraception but I know I couldn't bear to carry the baby of a rapist and I hoped, if she had been raped, she would at least have a choice.

I talked to Rico and told him we would take him home and help him Mama as best we could. I also told him he could take the food so his Mama wouldn't have to worry. When I mentioned that Freyja was coming with us, he started crying again. I called Freyja over and told her to roll onto her back for a tummy rub. She, as always, got incredibly enthusiastic about it and wagged her tail against my legs. Rico calmed down when he saw she had a gentle side too.

"_It's alright Rico. She was just protecting her home. She knows everything is safe now that we are here. I am Stephanie, Hank will come with us to help your Mama. He was trained to help people who are hurt when he was in the Army and he is a gentle man. Let's go home to your Mama now, alright?"_

His launched himself into my arms and hugged me. I think that meant he was good with the plan.

I unlocked my truck and started loading up. Rico sat in the passenger seat and Freyja was secured in the back. Hank had fitted a dog restraint soon after I arrived and if it kept Freyja safe it was more than fine by me. I put the food behind my seat and told Freyja in no uncertain terms not to touch it. The first aid kit was stowed on the floor under Rico's feet, just in case we needed it straight away. We drove to the home that he and his mother shared and I parked outside their front door. I texted Hank the address immediately, hoping he wasn't too far away, then jumped out. I left the windows open and told Freyja to watch my truck. Their home was part of a row of four, the sum of which was smaller than the duplex my mother and father lived in. A full metal grate covered the front of their home, with a gate built into it. Rico produced a key and let us in.

"_Mama! Mama!" _Rico called out as soon as the door opened. "_I have food, and I brought help!"_

"_Rico? Please, don't bring anyone in," _a weak voice called from the within the house.

"_What is your Mama's name, Rico?" _I asked.

"_She is Consuela, Connie."_

"_Connie, my name is Stephanie. I work with Ana at Ricardo's Bar. We'd like to help you. Can I come in?"_

"_Please, I need help." _Her voice was so weak, it broke my heart.

I walked through the front door and looked down the thin hallway. There was a small bedroom at the front of the house, then another bedroom, then the house opened to a combined sitting area and kitchen. It was basic, very basic, but was spotlessly clean.

"_Mama is in this room." _Rico said, leading me into the second room.

She lay on the bed looking as though she had crawled into bed as soon as she made it home. Her face was streaked with tears and she still had blood visible on her neck and chest above the sheet.

"_Connie, I am Stephanie. I have some food, water and a first aid kit in my truck out the front. I also brought my guard dog. She will watch over us while we help you. Is it alright if I bring her in?"_

"_Please. I hurt so bad."_

"_Hank, who owns Ricardo's, is on his way. He was trained as a medic in the Army. Can he try to help you?"_

"_I do not want a man touching me."_

"_Connie, I will be in the room and I promise you, he will not hurt you. Would you like me to call Ana to come over as well?" _

"_No, no, I don't want her to know."_

"_Can you tell me what happened?"_

"_A man dragged me into the utility room at the work. I am a maid at Camino Real." _Camino Real was a big hotel in Tampico._ "He cut my neck and breast, then punched me in the stomach and my ribs until I blacked out. Then he….he….." _My blood boiled, and I had to force myself to stay calm, lest I scare her more than she already was.

"_You don't need to say it. I'll bring in the food, I'll get you some water and we'll try to make you feel a little better. Can my dog come in as well?"_

"_Of course."_

I ran back to the truck just as Hank pulled up. He was carrying a backpack marked "Medic". He took one box, I took the other, then we locked our trucks and took Freyja inside with us. I sent a quick prayer skywards. Please let the trucks be there when we got back, please let Connie be okay.

We walked back into the house. Freyja sat at the front door, our guard dog as always. I took Hank into Connie's room to introduce him, then I sent him out to the kitchen to put away the food. I grabbed the water bottle, a glass and the pills and took them into Connie's room.

"_Connie, do you know who did this to you? Did you want to make a report to the police?"_

"_No, no, they will do nothing anyway. I don't know who he is, but he had a tattoo on his neck. He was _Sureños_, I recognised the tattoo. My husband was Los Zetas. My husband…. He was killed because he spoke to the police. He taught me the signs of the different cartels and gangs to keep us safe."_

Sureños? I thought they were American? I knew I'd be having a discussion about the drug cartels with Hank over a lot of drinks later tonight. If Connie was adamant not to report the rape, I knew that in her position I would want any trace of that animal off me.

"_Connie, are you sure you don't want to talk to the police?"_ She nodded her head._ "Would you like me to bathe you? Then we can look at the cuts and check your stomach and ribs."_

"_Yes, please, I want his smell off me."_

I asked Rico to bring me a basin of warm water, soap and some wash cloths, then asked both Hank and Rico to wait until I called for them again.

I had to ask Connie the hardest question I ever had to ask a stranger. I took a deep breath and blurted it out. "_Connie, I know this is awful to talk about, but did he ejaculate inside you?"_

"_Yes."_

"_There is a tablet that you can take that can prevent the implantation of any fertilised egg, it's usually called the morning after pill. Would you like to take it?"_

"_I am not a devout Catholic anymore, not since my husband was murdered. I do not want to be pregnant to that bastard. Yes, if anything will stop it, I'll do it."_

I gave Connie the packet and read through the instructions with her. I was Catholic as well, and I understood the moral debate about contraception and abortion, but my mind was changed for me back in college when a fellow student found out she was pregnant to her rapist. She had an abortion but was openly abused and ostracised by some groups in the community. My thoughts were that it was her decision to make, not theirs. In my mind, I am pro-choice but, like my religious beliefs, I do not believe in forcing my opinions on others.

"_OK, I'll leave the tablets here and some water, you can take the first one whenever you are ready. Don't forget the second should be taken in 12 hours. Can I bathe you now?"_

"_Please. I can still smell him…"_

I removed Connie's clothes and gently bathed her with the still warm water. The cuts on her neck and breasts were superficial and had already stopped bleeding. I cleaned these carefully and applied an anti-bacterial salve from the first aid kit. I looked at her ribs and stomach and was dismayed as what I saw. The bruising was significant and I was pretty certain her at least a couple of her ribs were at least cracked. Her stomach was bruised and tender to touch. I hoped there was no internal bleeding. I helped Connie put on a soft bra to cover her so Hank could look at her injuries, then I removed the sheet and began to wash her legs.

"_I will need to move your legs to wash between them. Is that alright with you?"_

"_Yes"_

"_Please tell me to stop if you feel at all uncomfortable or sore. We can stop whenever you need."_

That bastard! He had cut her with his knife as well as raping her. Her inner thighs and labia had been cut, with small shallow cuts. One wound at the juncture of her thigh was still bleeding and I knew it would need stitches. The others seemed to have stopped but I would need to wash off the blood. It would have hurt tremendously.

"_I will wash your legs and feet first, then get some fresh water for here between your legs. Is there any medicine you cannot take?"_

"_No, I don't think so."_

I washed Connie's legs and feet, then dried her carefully. I told her I would be back shortly then went into the sitting area.

"_Rico, where can I tip this out and get some more warm water?"_

"_The bathroom and laundry is outside. I will get it for you."_

"_Thank you."_

When he had gone outside, I looked pointedly at Hank and whispered quietly, "Hank, she has been raped and cut with a knife on her labia and thighs, I think she might need stitches. I also think she has broken ribs and I'll get you to check her stomach. There are shallow cuts on her chest and neck but they are healing over. I put some anti-bacterial salve on those. I'll just finish bathing her then will get you to come in."

"No problem. Is there anything else you need?"

"She said the guy that did it had a Sureños tattoo. I thought they were US based?"

"They are, but they got together with the Gulf Cartel -" he broke off as Rico walked back in.

"_Is Mama feeling better?"_ Rico asked, blinking furiously to stop the tears in his eyes from falling.

"_She will soon. I'll get Hank to help her and give her some medicine as soon as I give her a little bath."_

"_Thank you Stephanie,"_ he said with a warm smile._ "Tia Ana said you were nice, she was right."_

I smiled at him and took the basin of warm water back in to Connie.

"_Connie, do you mind if I finish washing you?"_

"_Do you have anything for the pain?" _She was grimacing every time she tried to move, so she must have been in a significant amount of pain. I felt like an idiot, I should have thought about that first.

"_I'll ask Hank to come in, he has some pain relief, but let me cover you first."_

"_Yes, please."_

I called out to my friend, _"Hank, can you please come in?" _

He opened the door gently and stood in the doorway, holding his medic bag. I knew this would be hard for him to deal with and I could see the torment in his eyes. He knew exactly how Connie was feeling right now. I interrupted his thoughts, wanting to give Connie some relief as soon as possible. _"Hank, is there anything in there that will help Connie with her pain?"_

"_Connie, can I take a quick look at your stomach and ribs first? I want to make sure you aren't bleeding internally." _Hank approached the bed and I moved the sheet down, making sure I stopped at her hip line. She nodded for him to examine her and clasped my hand like a lifeline. Hank looked at her ribs and gently felt them, then nodded at me to confirm my suspicion – cracked. He took a stethoscope from the medic bag and listened to her lungs, then gently felt across her ribcage to check where the breaks were. _"Connie, from what I can work out you have two cracked ribs on your left side and one on your right. They don't seem to have done any damage to your lungs. Have you coughed up any blood or had trouble breathing?"_

"_No, just it hurts when I breathe or try to move."_

Then he felt her abdominal area. He looked up and said "_I can't see or feel any sign of peritonitis that would indicate a ruptured bowel. The only things I would be worried about are if there is any blood when you pass urine, or if a rib punctured an organ. I think you will be okay if you rest for 24 hours and if it gets worse, or is no better, go to the hospital. I think someone needs to be with you overnight. Can I call Ana to stay with you?"_

"_I didn't want to worry her, but I think I'll need help to go to look after Rico, and to go to the bathroom."_

"_I'll call her while Stephanie finishes bathing you." _He held her gaze, and I could see the compassion in his eyes. This had to be hard for him, but at the same time, maybe helping another rape victim would help him heal in some way. "_Will you trust me to look at your wounds when she is done?"_

"_You are both so kind to me. Why?"_

"_Rico told us you were Ana's sister, and he won us over completely." _Connie looked a little confused at Hank's words, so he elaborated a little. "_He stood up for himself even though we found him in our backyard looking for food, and when he asked for help for his mother, how could we say no?"_

"_Dear God, I am so sorry! I asked him to find food for us because the man stole all my money."_

Hank shook his head. _"It's not a problem, I think we brought you enough food to get by for a couple of days. I cook every night and will send some extra home with Ana until you can go back to work."_

"_I don't need…"_

He tenderly took her hand. _"This is for me as well Connie. I am also a survivor of rape, anything I can do to help you will help me heal too."_

I had tears in my eyes hearing Hank's words. I looked at Connie and saw her watching Hank's face. A look of determination came over her.

"_How could I say no? I will be forever grateful to you both."_

"_I'll leave you with Stephanie for a moment, but will give you some pain relief first. Have you taken codeine before?"_

"_Yes, after I had Rico."_ The tone of her voice made me wonder just how much childbirth hurt.

"_I have some that is fairly strong, ibuprofen and codeine. If you need anything stronger, you'll need to go to the medical centre."_

Her face went from calm to scared at Hank's words. _"I don't want to go there, they'll report it and I don't want the police involved."_

"_I understand. Try these and they should start working shortly. Stephanie, call me when you're ready." _Hank closed the door quietly behind him. I picked up the basin and asked if Connie was ready for me to start again. She nodded. I was as gentle as I could possibly be, but still she flinched a number of times. I looked up at her face and saw her tears. I continued, trusting she would stop me when she needed to stop. When we were finished, the small cuts on her labia had bled a little but were not deep and would heal on their own. I helped Connie into some cotton underwear with a sanitary pad to wear to absorb any blood.

"_Are you ready for Hank to look at this larger cut?" _I asked. I couldn't imagine how awful this must have been for her, and now she was dealing with complete strangers taking care of her.

"_Yes"._

Hank was gentle but efficient. The cut needed 7 stitches to close it completely. When he was done, he handed me a dressing, asked me to apply it and left the room. I applied the bandage and asked Connie if there was anything else she needed. When she replied no, I left the room to clean up.

Rico took the basin and wash cloths to the laundry. Hank was busy in the kitchen making a simple soup from liquid chicken stock, vegetables, herbs, chilli and rice noodles. He gave Rico a bowl, made up one for Connie and left the rest on the stove. He handed me the soup and a spoon to take in to Connie and walked behind me with a side table for it to rest on.

He put the table down and said _"Connie, I left a pot of soup on the stove for you. There is enough for Rico and Ana for tea. There is bread, eggs, vegetables, some fruit, and juice in your fridge. I have also left some chicken and fish for you, so you don't need to worry about food. Ana will be here any moment and she said she will stay with you until you feel well. Please don't worry about her working, I will pay her for her normal days while she looks after you and Rico. She promised she will call if you need food or anything else. Please, if you feel worse or start bleeding, go to the hospital."_

"_Thank you both. No one has been so kind to me since my husband died."_

We left shortly after Ana arrived and headed home. Hank and I had a lot to talk about.


	23. Trust your gut

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**Chapter 22: Trust your gut**

We agreed not to talk until after dinner. I helped cook, which used to scare the crap out of me and everyone else who wanted to eat, but now was something I considered part of my therapy. We made my current favourites – Moroccan Chicken, which was oven baked chicken fillets marinated in Moroccan-style spices, and a salad with roasted butternut squash and feta cheese. Hank approved being high protein, low carb and relatively healthy, Steph approved for being delicious and taking next to no time to prep. We ate in a slightly awkward silence, neither of us wanting to talk about the stress and emotion of the day. When we had finished and cleaned up the kitchen, we walked through into the bar, grabbing a six pack of Boags and Hank turned on Aussie Rules football on the TV. We sat at a table and opened our beer. I hadn't watched the game before I moved down here and in a few short weeks was obsessed. The players were all ripped, with lean hard muscles glistening with sweat, and they wore short tight shorts, tight jerseys… oh yeah, it was good to watch. Compared to football at home, it was incredible. Fast paced, incredible skills, brutal clashes and no protective padding. Compared to soccer it was an adrenaline rush.

Hank turned the sound down and walked over to the bar and returned with a bottle of tequila.

"Are we going to need that?" I asked, fearing the answer.

"Yup." Hank took a swig, not bothering with shot glasses, lime or salt. I shuddered.

"I'm going to need something to take the taste away. You want?"

"Nope."

Yay, single word answers. Not a good start. I grabbed a lime and cut it up, then put it on a plate with a shaker of salt and a couple of shot glasses, just in case he changed his mind.

"Are you ready to talk, Hank?"

"Nope" – swig.

"Do you need to talk?"

"Yep" – swig.

"Do you want me to start?"

"Yep."

"Flashbacks?"

"Yep" – long swig.

"Do you want me to bring Freyja in?" She had been fast asleep in her kennel downstairs when we headed up to make dinner.

"Yep."

I went downstairs and brought Freyja inside. I locked the back door behind me, pretty confident we wouldn't make it back downstairs again. Lucky she had a dog door. When we walked back into the bar, Hank was staring off in the distance and had tears rolling down his face. Freyja ran over to him and licked his cheek, then put her head on his knee. He bent forward and hugged her. I could see his shoulders shake as silent sobs shook his body. Wanting to give him a little space, I went to the fridge to get two bottles of water. When I came back to the table, Hank raised his head and wiped his eyes with his shirt. He looked at me, his eyes those of a frightened child.

"I haven't been hit like that in a long time."

"It's completely understandable, is there anything I can do that will help?"

"Cuddle?"

"Of course." He opened his arms and I sat on his knee and hugged my friend, hoping to ease his pain. I held him until the tremors that shook him went away. It could have been 5 minutes, it could have been an hour, I didn't know or care. Time stood still while we both took comfort and healed each other.

"Thank you," Hank whispered. "Can we hold our chat over until tomorrow?"

"Of course. Call out to me if you need me tonight, or I can stay with you and Freyja?"

"Would you?" His voice sounded so fragile.

How could I possibly say no? "Of course."

We headed upstairs, I went into my room to change into my pjs, then went back into Hank's room. He was in bed already lying on his side. Freyja was on the right side of the bed in front of him, so I crawled in behind and spooned my body against his gently, resting my arm on his waist.

"Is this alright?" I asked.

"Thanks Steph. I don't want the nightmares tonight."

"I'll keep them away for you. Night bro."

"Night sis." He squeezed my arm. "Love you."

"Love you too."

I didn't think I would go to sleep easily, but after a few minutes I felt my eyelids get heavy, so I gave up and closed my eyes. Within minutes I was asleep.

I got woken up by Hank jerking violently in his sleep. A nightmare, I thought. Freyja licked his cheek, I ran my hand up and down his arm, trying to give him some measure of comfort. He settled back down and seemed to drift back into a deeper sleep. I stayed awake, thinking, for a long time after that. I hoped Connie was resting and that she wasn't more hurt than we thought, I hoped someone caught the bastard that hurt her. I hoped Hank would have a nightmare-free sleep for the rest of the night. As I finally went back to sleep, I thought of Carlos and Lester on their mission, and prayed that they were safe.

The shrieking sound of an alarm clock woke me up at 6. Hank looked over his shoulder at me, bleary eyed.

"Turn that fucking thing off before I shoot it," he growled.

I shut the alarm off.

"How's the head?" I asked.

"I need the cure."

"Want me to run there?" The Mexican version of my hangover cure at this time of day was 2 hash browns and a coke with extra ice from McD's. Chips weren't on the menu until 10.30, even if you tried to bribe the staff. The hash browns still worked though. Salt, grease and coke combined together was the only thing that made me feel better after a heavy night of drinking, although I was no longer the light weight I had been. It was a 7 mile round trip to McD's but I didn't know if my running buddy was feeling up to it.

His eyes were blood shot and decidedly bleary. He looked a little green at the gills and he surprised me when he said in a gravelly voice "I need to run this off. Can we eat there? I want warm hash browns and I want their crappy, watered down coke with a ton of ice in it. Can you get me some water and a couple of paracetamol?"

"Sure." Ahh, self-inflicted pain is a bitch; you'd think we would have learnt by now.

I grabbed the tablets and water for Hank, then went back to my room to use the bathroom and change into my running clothes. Today it was short running shorts, a black tank top over a purple sports bra, my black and fuchsia Nike running shoes and my Glock in a PT2 holster. I thanked the hair gods for my shorter hair again, as I was able to quickly tame it by using a headband to push it back. I made a mental note to colour it again soon, my roots were starting to show. Instead of going to a salon, I coloured it here and Ana was happy to trim it for me when I needed it.

Ten minutes later Hank and I met downstairs and started our stretches. Just as we were about to set off, I asked, "You got cash?"

"Yep."

"You buying?"

"Yep."

"Back to the one word answers are we?"

"Shut up and run before I puke on you."

Okay then. When we got to the temple of grease and sugar, I waited at one of the outside tables in the morning sun while Hank went to grab the food. A very familiar Camaro pulled into the car park. Esteban parked and got out along with his passenger, a very tall, heavily muscled man who set off my spidey-sense in a bad way. He wore a jacket over his black jeans and tee, but the tell-tale bulges indicated he was carrying some significant firepower. Bodyguard, I presumed. His chest, neck and hands were covered in tattoos, which earned him the nickname Tattoo Man in my head. Esteban waved him to wait, then smiled as he approached me.

"_Good morning Stephanie, it is an unexpected pleasure to see you here."_

"_Good morning Esteban. Hank needed the cure so we ran over."_

"_The cure?"_

"_Grease and sugar, also known as hash browns and coke with extra ice, the only cure for a hangover that actually works."_

He laughed, a little subdued, but still a laugh. _"You are one in a million Stephanie. I'll see you on Thursday evening. Will you be singing?"_

I nodded. _"Sure will."_

"_In that case, can you reserve a table for me? The one I sat at last time. I enjoyed listening to your beautiful voice very much."_

"_Thank you. I love singing, I just never did it in public before."_

"_You sound like a professional." _He sounded so sincere. I blushed a little, still not completely used to hearing praise but I was learning to accept it.

"_You can blame my mother forcing me into the church choir for that. How is your mother?"_

"_She is well. Papa will not let her out of his sight and I have advised my associates to ensure her safety when she is in town."_

Before I could respond, the door to the restaurant opened and Hank sat down at the table with our breakfast.

"_I will leave you to your Cure, Stephanie. I look forward to seeing you on Thursday."_

"_Me too Esteban." _I leant up and kissed his cheek_. "Me too."_

I watched Esteban walk back to his car. He looked as good from the back as he did from the front. I had a thing about men with great asses. He and the bodyguard stood by the car talking, then Esteban pulled out his mobile and made a call. I could hear nothing of the conversation but the look on his face was intense. They both got into the car and peeled out of the car park.

Hank handed me my coke and two hash browns.

"Well, that was odd." He said, munching on the first of his hash browns.

"I feel like they had something going on that Esteban didn't want me to see."

He took a sip of coke, then nodded. "Yeah, me too."

"My spidey sense went nuts over the body guard."

"Something to keep in mind. I think Esteban has the hots for you in a big way."

"It goes both ways."

It was true. Any other day, Esteban would be someone I wanted to get to know – backwards, forwards and sideways. But if he was part of a drug cartel I knew I should be running in the opposite direction as fast as my legs would carry me. Still, something told me he was one of the good guys. If there was one thing I had learnt since leaving Trenton, it was that I needed to trust myself. And this time, I would.

We ate the rest of our breakfast and sipped our cokes, enjoying the sunshine. Running on a full stomach was not a good idea, especially with Hank's hangover just starting to dissipate, so we decided to sit and take some time to chat. We were discussing what to have for dinner when Hank received a text from Ana. She had taken Connie to the medical centre overnight. She had passed some blood in her urine and the scans showed a bruised kidney, three broken ribs and severe abdominal bruising, but nothing requiring surgery. Hank texted back our best wishes and asked her to contact him if they needed anything.

I decided to tackle the big elephant in the room head on. "Hank, I'm scared that if the guy who attacked Connie was Surenos, it means that things are going to start escalating around here soon."

"Me too Steph. Los Zetas are, as far as I am concerned, the lesser of two evils when it comes to the cartels. It might be a one-off incident, but I'll speak with some of the locals and see what they know."

"Want to come back to the States with me?" I blurted out. I had wanted to ask Hank if he would come to Miami with me and this seemed like as good a time as any.

"Any room for an ex-Commando at Rangeman?" he smiled. "You know, the surf at Miami Beach would do me just fine."

"I can check with Hector."

"Find out if the job could be covered under an E3 Visa. It means I can work in the States for 3 years legally."

"That would be so awesome! Wanna be my roomie?"

"Yeah, til I find my own place. I want to live where I can see the water. And I need a yard for Freyja. And…"

"And what?"

"I think I'd like to try being in a relationship again. I'm lonely Steph."


	24. Making Plans

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN: There are a lot of examples of Rangeman fitness requirements in the FF world. I have researched and put together my own list, borrowing from the Rangers and Australian Army requirements. I apologise if I have inadvertently used someone else's work. **

**Chapter 23: Making Plans**

After we got home I asked Hank if he could help me with a training plan to get prepared for (hopefully) a successful kicking ass at the Rangeman fitness test. I showed him the requirements Hector sent me.

"These are basically the Rangers entry requirements with a few added extras" he said after reading through the list. "No sweat Steph. Do you know if they allow a reduction for you being a chick?"

"I want to try to reach the male grade." I was determined to meet the same grade that everyone else had to. "I got my job at Rangeman Trenton because Ranger felt sorry for me. I kept it because, well for one the boss liked me and two because I'm good at doing background checks and running searches. I want to get this job based purely on what I can do, not who I am."

"On ya sis, you'll kick arse by the time I'm done with you. When do you think you'll head back stateside?"

"Depending on what happens here, maybe a month or two?"

"No drama." I love how laid back Hank is. Nothing was a drama if he had a plan. "I have to apply for the visa from outside the States, but need a job offer from my sponsoring employer before they will accept the application at the embassy."

"How long will it take to get approved?"

"Last time I checked it was less than a week." That surprised me. An efficient government department? Perish the thought!

I thought about the timelines for a minute. I couldn't believe my little journey was finally coming to an end. And my new life in Miami was just around the corner! My excitement started to build. "I have to go back to Trenton before the move to Miami. My parents will kill me if I don't go see them and my mother will have kittens when I tell her I am moving away so it'll be better for me to sort her out face to face. I thought I'd apply from here, then in about a month drive home to get everything packed up. Rangeman usually have a lead of 6 weeks before new hires start for background and service history checks, so we have heaps of time to set things up. If things heat up down here, I'll go sooner."

"Works for me. Alright, let's plan this out. This sort of stuff I like to chart out." He looked at me, daring me to comment on his anally retentive way of planning things out on a spreadsheet. I just stuck my tongue out at him, it had the same effect as a wise-ass comment. "We can set goals and track your progress for each of the requirements. We'll put the timeframe at 6 weeks and can adjust as we go."

He opened a spreadsheet program and set up Steph's Torture Plan for me. I laughed at the name, then internally grimaced, realising it was probably appropriate.

The requirements for the Rangeman Physical Fitness Test (PFT) were:

Push-ups in 2 minutes – 60+

Sit-ups in 2 minutes – 60+

Pull-ups in 2 minutes – 15+

Burpees in 2 minutes – 40+

Two-mile run – sub 10:00

Five-mile run – sub 30:00

200 metre swim with gear – Pass/Fail

Beep Test (shuttle run) – Level 10.1

9 mile Pack march – sub 2:30:00

There was one thing on the list that I was unsure of. "What the hell is a burpee?" I asked Hank.

"Burpees are the hardest full body exercise there is. I'll show you one, then you can give it a shot." He stood up and worked through the exercise as he spoke. "You start standing with your feet shoulder-width apart, then drop to a squat, then kick your feet back so you are in a full push-up position with your arms straight. From here, the hard-arses do a push-up, the wimps just kick their feet back in to a squat. Then go back to a stand in one movement and jump on the air and clap. And that, my friend, is a burpee."

"And how many of these do I have to do?"

"40 in 2 minutes." I groaned.

"Holy shit."

"Yep."

Wow. Where was the girl who refused to exercise when I needed her? I sighed, then mentally smacked myself upside the head. I knew I could do it with a bit of work, particularly when I looked at how far I had come since leaving Trenton. "Aside from the physical stuff, I'm pretty confident I can ace the other tests. The weapons requirements are easier than what we have been doing at the range, driving and tailing I can practise back home and self-defence is a piece of cake thanks to you and Oscar."

"Is there anything that worries you?"

"Yeah, being judged for who I was, not who I am."

"You'll cross that bridge when you come to it. Want to run through the test to see where you are at now?"

"Yeah, let's do it."

It wasn't a shameful performance by any means, but it wasn't great considering how hard I had been training. I knew my body was a lot stronger than it had been but I had a long way to go. Sit ups and push ups were close, I did 42 push ups and stopped at 50 sit ups because I had a cramp. I blamed that on our breakfast choice. The pull ups were hard, I managed 11. The burpees were pure torture and I decided I hated them with a passion. My arms shook after 15, again I think because my body wasn't fuelled properly. We charted the results and worked out a training plan for both of us. Hank would work alongside me to make sure he would ace the tests as well. As he said, failing to plan is planning to fail, and failure was not an option.

We worked on the PFT requirements every day and I saw gradual improvement. Before I knew it, Thursday had arrived and Richie was here to work through our set for tonight. We connected instantly over our love of music and he had a voice that harmonised well with mine, plus a strong, clear falsetto which surprised the crap out of me. I asked him about it, apparently he had fronted a Led Zeppelin cover back for a while. Oh yeah, we were going to have fun together. At 4.30, I ran upstairs to dress for tonight. I was excited, Esteban would be here and I wanted to look my best. I was so confused about him, my gut told me he was a good man. What Hank had told me about him being in Los Zetas scared the pants off me. His bodyguard set off my spidey sense, I knew he was definitely a bad guy and I needed to stay the hell away from him. As I showered, I decided I needed to talk to Esteban, alone. I shelved the rest of the internal debate firmly at the back of my mind in denial zone. I wanted to look my best for tonight, so I straightened my hair so it hung in a gleaming sheet to frame my jawline. I played up my eyes with smoky grey shadow and liner and applied a nude gloss on my lips. I decided to wear my gorgeous new black jeans, paired with high heeled black boots, black belt and a sapphire blue strapless top. Deeming myself presentable, I headed back downstairs to the bar to set up for the night with the boys.

"Holy crap." Richie choked, swallowing hardly and rolling his shoulders as I walked into the room. He sent a wolfish grin my way.

"She scrubs up alright, doesn't she?" laughed Hank.

"Fuck off you two, get back to work" I said with a smile. Boys will be boys.

By 7, the bar was about half full. The tables were all full, aside from the one I had reserved for Esteban. Richie's friends had arrived as soon as we opened and were playing pool. They were rowdy, happily drinking beers and snacking, but not roaring drunk. I had a feeling we would be carrying them downstairs by the time the night was over though.

Richie was helping out in the kitchen, having worked as a sous chef before he started travelling. I was behind the bar, Hank was on the door and Ana and Rosa were working tables. It was consistently busy, but not too bad. There was a brief lull at 8 so I asked Hank if I could run downstairs for a quick break and some fresh air. I took a cup of green tea with me, sweetened with honey. This had become my pre-singing drink of choice. I was enjoying the relative quiet of our rear yard when I overheard two voices coming from the rear of the next building. I could just make out what they were saying so I crept a little closer to the fence, making sure I moved silently. Fucking drug dealers, I thought. I went to go back inside, choosing to ignore it rather than risk my health by making my presence known, then I heard something that I found disturbing, so I stayed to listen. The men were discussing a deal for drugs in exchange for weapons. They mentioned a couple of things I'd need to ask Hank about, because I just didn't understand, or maybe that was I didn't want to understand. One of the men said M-13 would work with Los Zetas once the deal was finalised and that the weapons would be delivered in a month. They agreed to meet there again in one week and the same guy said he would bring a sample of weapons. This was getting scary, I thought as I snuck back inside.

I went back upstairs and the night continued as planned. Actually, it was a lot of fun to sing with Richie. Our voices complimented each other and he had a wicked sense of humour that made sure I was smiling and laughing all night. We started with our planned set list and ended up singing whatever the crowd yelled out to us. My favourite was when we butchered Highway to Hell by AC/DC, it sounded way too light to be hard rock but it was a hell of a lot of fun. I took the proverbial bull by the horns and grabbed Esteban up for a dance during Brown-Eyed Girl, and boy could that man move! I expected him to lead with a salsa or something typically Latin, but he surprised me with some 50's style swing dancing. Thanking my lucky stars again for my mom pushing me into dance classes as a child, I managed not to embarrass myself and left Richie to improvise while we had a quick but memorable (for me) dance. The crowd was really receptive and that made me smile. For so long, I had heard what a train-wreck I was, that I was a terribly bounty hunter who only got her FTA's because of luck, or Rangeman's help. Now, finally, hundreds of miles from home, I was being acknowledged for something I was good at. I felt something inside that had been missing for years. Pride.

Esteban stood to leave just after midnight. He walked over to the bar where I was happily pottering around as the customer numbers had decreased after the music stopped. He gestured for me to lean across the bar towards him. I don't know what I anticipated, but whatever that had been was blown out of the water. He placed his left hand against my cheek, barely touching me, just caressing the skin. My whole face was tingling from the touch, and my stomach had butterflies.

He leant closer and whispered in my ear. _"You are so beautiful. The more I see you, the more I want to know you. Can we meet tomorrow?"_

"_Yes," _I whispered back.

Then, he kissed me.

I couldn't remember the rest of the night for the life of me, I think I just went into auto-pilot, reliving the kiss over and over. At 1.30am, our last customers left and we quickly cleaned up, closing up bang on 2am. I went up to bed but couldn't sleep. My mind was spinning. I felt something for Esteban, that was undeniable, but I didn't want to take anything further until I found out who he really was and why my gut kept telling me he was someone I could trust. I needed to ask him some quite pointed questions in the morning, but I just hoped that it wouldn't backfire on me.


	25. More Questions than Answers

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**Chapter 24: More Questions than Answers**

I woke up the next morning with a sense of anticipation. I was excited about seeing Esteban. He was the first man I felt something for since I had left Trenton, since I had decided to move on from my one-sided relationship with Carlos. Hank and I hit the pavement hard, choosing a 10 mile route and setting a six minute mile pace. It was hard running but we both wanted to build up our speed and endurance prior to heading for Miami. We got back home just before half past nine, giving me just enough time to get ready to meet Esteban. Hank wasn't happy about me seeing him, but once he had said his piece he left the topic alone.

A couple of minutes before ten, my cell phone rang.

"Hello?"

"_Stephanie, it's Esteban. I won't be able to make it this morning. We have an issue with an arm of my business that I must take care of immediately. I will be travelling for next two weeks at least. Can I see you when I get back?"_

I tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice. _"Of course. Have a safe trip."_

"_I look forward to seeing you. Goodbye Stephanie."_

Damn. No moping, I told myself sternly. The old me would have flopped down on the bed and sulked. The new me took this as an opportunity to get my physical ass in gear and hit the gym. I got changed back into my work out gear and headed downstairs to kick ass.

I was half way through a set of pull-ups, when my phone rang. Cursing the interruption, because I knew Hank would make me start the whole set again, I answered the phone with a snappy "What?"

"_Am I interrupting?"_

I recognised his voice immediately. _"Oh, I'm so sorry Esteban" _I cringed, cursing my luck._ "I was working out and…"_

"_No, that's fine. I want to see you before I leave. I need to…"_

"_That would be great, although I should warn you, I'm not at my best. I'm all sweaty and I probably stink."_

"_What were you doing when I interrupted?"_

"_Pull ups. I stopped half way through the reps Hank set me and I know he'll make me start again."_

"_I won't keep you. See you in 15 minutes?"_

"_Just come around the back and give my cell a call when you get there. I'll let you through the gate once I have Freyja on her lead."_

"_Bye." _See? Some men do have phone manners!

Fifteen minutes later my cell rang. I went out the back and secured Freyja, apologising profusely for putting her on the lead. He rode in on a very, very sexy red motorcycle, a Ducati Desmosedici. Yeah, so sue me, I love cars and bikes. And shopping and shoes. I smiled at Esteban and then walked across to drool over his bike.

"_Stephanie? Did you hear me?"_ I grinned sheepishly at him; I definitely detected a hint of amusement in his voice.

"_Sorry Esteban, just admiring your bike. How long have you had it?"_

"_A couple of weeks, it a…"_

"_Ducati Desmosedici RR. It's gorgeous." _An eyebrow shot up in surprise.

"_You know your bikes?" _I snorted slightly at the understatement.

"_Love my bikes, I used to have a Harley FXDL Dyna Low Rider and rode a Duc 848 for a while. My dream is a black on black 848 Evo."_ He whistled lowly, eyeing me appreciatively.

"_This is my dream bike. I had to practically sell my soul for the last ten years to pay for it, but sometimes…" _His expression turned troubled as he trailed off. I automatically reached out to lay a comforting hand on his arm.

"_What it is Esteban?"_

"_Look…can we talk?"_

I led him over to the table then excused myself to dash inside to grab a couple of bottles of water. I told Hank that I would be outside with Esteban, and to leave us unless I shouted for help. He agreed not to interrupt as long as Freyja was with me.

I went back outside and was surprised to see Esteban sitting with his head in his hands. Something big was going on in his life that much was obvious; I just hoped he let me in.

"_What is it Esteban?"_

"_Are you planning to stay in Tampico?"_

Talk about getting right to the point. _"I was planning on heading back to the States in a few months. Can I ask why?"_

"_I feel something for you Stephanie. I haven't cared about a woman since my wife…"_

"_You don't have to talk about it, Esteban. Your… your mother told me about what happened to your wife. I am so sorry, so incredibly sorry. I feel something for you as well. But I don't want to take what we have any further until…"_

"_Me either. There are a lot of external influences in my life at the moment. My business is in danger of what I suppose you could call a hostile takeover and I can't afford to lose focus."_ I steeled myself at the statement.

"_Esteban, I need to be incredibly blunt and ask you something. I would never normally pry into your personal life but I am so confused by what I'm hearing and what I'm feeling."_

"_Stephanie, can we go inside and talk, somewhere private?"_

I thought about that for a minute. He looked so confused, like there was something he needed to say but didn't know how to say it. _"Come upstairs with me. I'll let Hank know on the way through."_

"_You don't trust me?"_

"_It's not that I don't trust you, just that Hank is like my big brother and he worries about me."_

We went back inside and I found Hank in the kitchen, preparing what I hoped was our dinner. I told him that Esteban and I wanted to talk, and I was taking him up to my room. He seemed surprised, and looked me dead in the eye.

"Be careful," he warned. "I don't want you to get hurt."

"It's okay Hank, I need to sort this out before I get any further involved with him."

"I mean it Steph. Be careful."

I led Esteban upstairs and took him into my room, closing the door carefully behind me. He held his finger to his lips and pulled out a small scanner from his jacket pocket. I recognised it instantly from my time with Hector at Rangeman. He was scanning for bugs. And I thought I had trust issues? He looked back at me and nodded.

"All clear."

Now that surprised me, clear, un-accented English. Obviously my surprise was clearly visible on my face.

"I got my MBA at Duke. I got rid of the accent with the help of a linguistics major to help me blend in."

"Why did you scan for bugs?" I wondered out loud.

"I noticed you recognised the scanner." He countered. "Why does a woman like you know what a scanner looks like?"

"Back home I worked as a bond enforcement agent and I also worked part time at a security firm. They scanned for, and planted, bugs all the time."

He nodded in understanding. "What did you want to ask me?"

I didn't want to do this, but I felt like I had to. "I feel awful being this blunt, but I need to know. I feel something could happen between us, but I can't let that happen if what I heard is true. I just feel like you are someone I could get close to and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can let go, but not until I know."

"Know what?"

I decided to just dive in. "Are you Los Zetas?"

"Yes."

Crap. "Leadership?"

"Yes, in this state I am the leader." My breath left me in a whoosh, and the tentative bricks of my wall I had taken down came all the way back up.

"I'm sorry. I can't…" I turned from him with tears in my eyes. How could I be so wrong? How could I have possibly let myself start to fall for him? Why didn't I listen to Hank?

"Stephanie, there is more."

"I don't want to know. This might be a business to you, but I have seen how bad it is for the people at the other end. I have seen junkies die with a needle in their veins, or kill people to get money for a hit. I have seen women, good women, sell themselves for a hit. You might say it's a business, but that's bullshit and you know it. Innocents get hurt by your "business"." I was in full blown rhino mode, angry with myself more than anything, but happy to give it to him with both barrels. "How would you deal with a kid who begged for help after him mom got raped? I had to just the other day. His mother got raped by a bastard with a Sureños tattoo. He cut her too, just because raping wasn't enough, then beat her until her ribs broke and stole all her money. Why? Because he could, because he is here for the drugs. He scared her so bad she was too frightened to go to the doctor in case they reported it and someone came after her. Yeah, you run your business, while innocents like Connie and Rico suffer."

He held up his hand to indicate it was time to stop my rant. "Wait. You said a Sureños tattoo?"

"Yes, on his neck." I confirmed irritably. Nothing irked me worse than being stopped mid-rant. "Why is that important?"

"Fuck. I want you to stop talking and just listen," he told me firmly. "There is a lot going on that I can't tell you about. What you need to know is that the territorial pissing competition between us and the Gulf Cartel is coming to a head. In two months, this shit will finally be over. You will understand who I am then, but you need to leave here before it happens."

"Why?" I bit out belligerently. I was tired of men trying to dictate to me without giving me reasons. "Why should I listen to you?"

"Because I should have listened when someone warned me, and it cost me my wife and my child!" he shouted furiously. He was seething, shaking with rage. I sat down on my bed, trembling. I was scared, for the first time since I had been in Mexico, I was really scared.

The expression on his face softened a little. "Stephanie, please, tell me, are you sure she said it was a Sureños tattoo? This is more important that you could possibly understand."

"Why?" What was going on here, I wondered?

"I can't tell you everything. All you need know is that the Gulf Cartel and the Sureños are working together and are planning on taking over Tampico, this whole region. If that happens, they will wipe out anyone with ties to Los Zetas and torch our businesses. Ricardo's is Los Zetas property, you and Hank are protected. They will know this and they will kill you both."

Oh… that was why.

He continued. "I thought I knew their timeframe, which is why my parents are leaving in two weeks. If the Sureños are already in town it may escalate sooner than I had planned."

"I only know what Connie told me, which was very little. She didn't want to tell anyone anything."

"Why? Can you take me to her?"

"I don't think she'll talk to you. Her husband was Los Zetas, she said he was killed for talking. She was scared of even getting medical help and barely trusted us at first. I think she only agreed because she's Ana's sister, and Ana trusts us."

"You said Ana's sister?"

I nodded the affirmative. "Yes."

"Ana doesn't have a sister, as far as I know. Her brother was killed years ago, and his wife was good friends with…." His voice drifted off and he was silent for a moment. He cleared his throat and continued, his voice a little huskier than normal. "With my wife. Her brother wasn't killed by us," he said with a frown. "He was killed by the Gulf Cartel, it was their shipment that the DEA intercepted. One of the agents they had paid off told them he was an informant."

"Why should I believe you?"

"I can't tell you anymore, just believe me when I say you will understand once this is all over." His sincerity won me over and I sighed vehemently.

"My gut tells me you are not one of the bad guys. Why is that?"

He sat next to me on the bed and put his arm around my waist.

"Because I'm not, Stephanie. Please, believe me when I say, I'm not." He pressed his lips to my temple and held me tight. "I wish I had met you when this was all over. I wish…"

"Esteban, I can't… I…"

"I know. They destroyed me when they murdered my wife and my baby. I can't stop until this is over. Promise me you will be out of Mexico before the two months is up."

"Why is two months so important?"

"Just trust me on this, please. The Gulf Cartel's attention will be diverted over the next two weeks, they will need time to regroup. I have people on the inside and they will make sure I can get the people I care about relocated. That's my parents and that's you, Stephanie. Please, just trust what I am saying is true." I sighed again.

"I shouldn't, but I will. What will happen to you?" 

"I don't know. I have to go. Stephanie…"

He held my face in his hands and kissed me, softly and sweetly. He pulled back after a moment, looking deep into my eyes. His eyes were filled with conflicting emotions, lust and tenderness, but also fear, sadness and anger. I understood the emotions because I felt them as well. Lust, oh yes, there was a great deal of lust. I feared that I would never see him again, that this was indeed goodbye and I was afraid that if I let myself hold him any longer part of my heart would be his forever. I felt angry at myself, because there was another, much larger part of my heart that still belonged to Carlos. Carlos had moved on, he was with the only woman who could possibly be a match for him, why couldn't I?

We stood, and the emotions we both felt took over. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair, pulling his lips towards mine. Just before our lips met, I whispered "I wish there was more time," and I kissed him. It started where the last one ended, soft and sweet, then Esteban stepped in towards me and pressed his body to mine. His lips softened and parted, almost begging me to open mine. As I did, our kiss deepened, the heat between us increased, firm and passionate but controlled. He pulled back before I was ready, kissing me again but this time gently, almost sorrowfully.

"I have to go. I would like nothing more than to spend the day with you, but I have to deal with this."

"You confuse the crap out of me. I hate what you do but I want you to come back safe," I entreated, biting my lip.

"I already lost Adelita and my baby, promise me you'll stay safe."

"I will."

He kissed me again, but this time? It felt like goodbye.


	26. Perspective

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** Thank you all so much for reading along, alerting and reviewing. I apologise for the delay between posts, RL has kept me far too busy the last two weeks, hopefully things ease up soon. No Ranger yet – Steph is clearing out the cobwebs in her head this chapter. She's a little bitter….you've been warned.

**Chapter 25: Perspective**

I was so incredibly confused. Esteban had been gone just a couple of days and our conversation that last morning had left me completely bamboozled, flummoxed, discombobulated… what other words could I think of?

The love life of Stephanie Plum. What a tale that would be, I could call it how to fuck up your heart in six easy steps. Step One: Get molested at age 6, then let the same asshole screw you in the bakery when you are sixteen. Step Two: Marry a cheating Dick because everyone expects you to get married. Step Three: Discover cheating Dick on your dining table, destroy his belongings and your home then get divorced. Step Four: Spend years in a ridiculous love triangle with now reformed asshole who loves you, wants your body but wants you to become the ultimate house wife and another guy who wants your body, holds your heart but doesn't want a relationship. Step Five: Lose both men. Step Six: Meet another guy who could be great, aside from the fact that he is a fucking drug cartel boss!

It was Tuesday afternoon and I was in a foul mood. I had spent days analysing how I felt about Carlos, about Esteban, about going home. The upshot of all this was that Carlos still had a massive hold on my heart. Esteban was out of the picture and I could not, would not, let him in. I felt like such a bitch, a hypocritical bitch. I had killed, broken into people's homes, I chased criminals, but I could not allow myself to be in a relationship with someone involved with drugs. But I loved a mercenary, a man who killed people for the government, who cleaned up after cluster-fucks left by other government agencies or the military. The same guy who told me I was a class A fuck up and then shacked up with Little Miss Perfect who made me feel completely inadequate. I looked at myself in the mirror and chastised myself. No, I am fine just the way I am. She is right for Ranger, she gets the lifestyle and suits the way he wants to live his life. I wanted a relationship where I mattered, where I was loved and where we could share what happened in our lives. I didn't want kids, I didn't want marriage, I just wanted be with someone who wanted to share their life with me, good and bad, and who loved me for who I was. Joe wanted to change me into a Stepford wife. Ranger wanted a mistress, not someone to share his life. Esteban's first priority was revenge and protecting his business. Argh! Men! I either needed to get rip roaring drunk or laid, there were no two ways about it. There was only so much self-love could satisfy and it just wasn't cutting it anymore. Running ten miles didn't work, punching the crap out of the punching bag didn't work. Sparring with Hank helped, until I found myself staring at his ass and thinking very un-sisterly thoughts. A cold shower took the edge off, well, that combined with my vibrating shower sponge, but it didn't improve my mood. Oh yeah, and I had PMS as well. I should probably just carry around a neon sign that said "Warning, pissed off pre-menstrual bitch approaching".

I stalked down to the kitchen where Hank was cutting up vegetables for dinner. Richie was in the kitchen helping out, but unfortunately he was absolutely not my type, being reed thin with long hair, so he was off the menu as well.

"What's up buttercup?" Hank asked.

"Tequila time." I hissed back at him.

"Do you want to eat first?"

"You cook, I'll drink."

"You know it won't help." Richie, the voice of reason, popped up.

"Yes it will." I think I might have growled. "I'll pass out and I won't be able to feel anything anymore."

"Richie, can you go to the hostel and spend the night with the guys? I think Steph and I need some alone time."

"Sure man, catch you guys tomorrow?"

"Stay for dinner, Richie," I felt awful and selfish for almost kicking him out. "I just need to get some shit off my chest."

"And she's in a foul fucking mood."

"Fuck off Hank! Stay Richie, just don't breathe a word of it to anyone." I walked into the bar and grabbed the bottle of tequila and three shot glasses. Thinking about the potential for a vile hangover in the morning, I added a bottle of butterscotch schnapps and Baileys. Cock Sucking Cowboys and tequila shots. I know alcohol only made things worse but tonight I needed to let go and get my aggression out. Or find someone and screw their brains out, but this seemed the lesser of two evils.

I put the bottles and glasses on a tray and carried them back into the kitchen.

"Oh shit." muttered Hank.

"Yep," I replied with a wry smile.

"What?" asked Richie.

"Cowboy shots." Hank shrugged as though it was an explanation for everything. Which, given how well he now knew me, it probably was. "It's gonna get real ugly, real soon," he added most unhelpfully.

I started pouring the Cowboys and knocked mine back, immediately pouring another.

"What's on your mind sis?" asked Hank. He downed his shot and went back to prepping dinner.

"What are we having?"

"Chilli Beef Stir-fry," Hank replied. "Should be ready in about 10 minutes."

"I'll start after we eat. Until then, someone tell me something interesting."

"Got a new song for you for Thursday, Steph." Richie said with a smile.

"What is it Richie?"

The smile grew to a grin. "You'll love it girl, I Touch Myself by The Divinyls."

"I love that song! It has been my personal soundtrack for the last year." The boys exploded into laughter. "Shut up you two! It's so much easier for guys."

Hank laughed. "No, it's just that you girls are more hung up about jerking off than guys are. Am I right Rich?"

"Completely mate. For a bloke it is just one of those things you do, for a chick, you seem to make it into something dirty. I have a buddy back home who is married with 3 kids, but still jerks off twice a day, and is bloody proud of it. Do you talk about it with your friends?"

"Of course not!" Not that I was hung up about sex. "Although, I worked with an ex-hooker back in Trenton and might have talked about it a little too much."

"So are you a lights on or lights off girl?" Richie had no boundaries.

"Off."

"Why?"

"I was never that confident, I guess I wanted to hide the fat bits or something, I don't know." I also kept my eyes closed most of the time, except with Carlos. He had a thing about me looking at him. Dickie never cared, Joe was an eyes closed kind of guy as well, or he looked down there. God, I sounded like a kid – "down there", grow up Steph!

"Righto you lot," Hank interrupted, before we got too far into the gutter. "Let's eat, then Miss Steph, you are going to talk."

"Yes Dad."

The stir-fry was delicious, but I didn't spend time appreciating it. I needed to get some stuff off my chest and I wanted the false bravado that being drunk gave me. Yes, I still turned to alcohol when I needed to let loose. Yes, I knew it was bad for me, but I had given up pretty much every other vice I had and I knew I would be safe with Hank protecting me. I had been rip-roaring drunk probably three times in the last year, I usually stopped when I felt tipsy. Tonight though, I was planning to write myself off. We cleared the dinner dishes and I started.

"My love life sucks."

"Yep, got that." Thank you Hank, master of the bleeding obvious.

"I can't seem to…"

"Whoa Steph. Back track. Richie is hearing this for the first time and might be able to offer another point of view for you. Tell him everything."

And so I began my tale of "How Stephanie Ruined the Best (non) Relationship She Ever Had". I recounted my history with Joe, my sham of a marriage to Dickie and how it ended. I talked about meeting Ranger, getting to know his Ranger superhero persona and falling in love with him. I admitted to every part of "The Deal" and the to-and-fro between Joe and Ranger, including the poaching and the trips to Denial Land.

"And then Joe came over to watch the game and have pizza," I began, wrapping up the final chapter of our relationship, "which was usually code for watch a game, drink a few beers, eat pizza and then have sex. We didn't talk about our days, because that usually ended up in a fight about how much he hated my job and wanted me to quit, get married and become a stay-at-home mother to a plethora of Morelli brats. I, on the other hand, don't want to get married again and have no intention of ever having kids, so you can see why we didn't see eye to eye. He walked in, I offered him a beer, we watched the game and at half time he broke up with me. He knew I had been cheating with Ranger, not sleeping with him, just kissing him, but he knew. He called me on the cheating and how I had been unfair to him because I was just stringing him along. And he was right."

"And then?" Richie prompted.

"And then Ranger came over, and to cut a long story short, told me Joe was right, I was leading them both on. He told me his life didn't lend itself to relationships, and in any case he wouldn't be in a relationship with a cheater, that I needed to stop acting like a teenager and get serious about getting training and stop being a fuck-up. Then he walked out too."

"And?" Richie waved his hand in a "keep going" motion.

"So I worked out I sucked as a bounty hunter, I was in love with a guy who didn't want me, had treated the guy who loved me like shit for years, and had been cheating on him even though I swore I would never cheat. I was unhealthy, unfit and hopeless at my job and it was a miracle I hadn't been killed or worse, got someone else killed when they came to dig me out of whatever hole I had dug myself in to."

"And so?"

"Do you know how to talk Richie?" I asked him irritably. He grinned for a moment.

"Yeah, but I'll save it for the end. Continue, please."

"Only because you said please. My Grandma gave me some money that was part of my Grandpa's estate and told me to go learn to fly. So I did. I spend a heap time in Texas and learnt how to use my gun, plus a ton of other weapons, and I got fit. I learnt how to protect myself. I saw a counsellor to work out the why I hated myself so much. I also found out I loved to sing and really enjoyed working in a bar. I headed down here to veg out on the beach and to work out how to look in the mirror and like who I saw there. And I can do that now. I'm stronger than I have ever been, I like me, for the first time ever. I feel confident and like that I can look after myself. What I don't have is an answer to why I keep fucking up with men."

"So what happened?"

"I met Esteban, turns out he is neck deep in all the shit that is going down around here. Hank, he warned me about something big going down in a couple of months and said we should bail sooner rather than later."

"Yeah, I heard that too." Hank turned and looked at Richie. "Rich, you and the guys should move on as well."

"Yeah, we are," Richie confirmed. "I was going to tell you guys tonight, we are heading to the Caymans next weekend, surf, scuba and sex on the beach is calling."

"Steph, how about we close up in four weeks and head north?" Hank asked me.

"What about the bar?" I asked. "Aren't you financially tied here?"

"Nope, all good."

"Right." I continued. "So, anyway, Esteban is out of the picture. I can't get any further involved with him. Joe is seeing a girl back home, looks like he will be getting married soon, which is what he wanted and I'm happy for him. Ranger is shacked up with the anti-me, and I think I'm still in love with him."

"Are you in love with him, or the persona you built up as your superhero?" A rather insightful question from Richie, I thought.

"I worked out that Ranger is the superhero persona I built up. I see Ranger as Batman, the perfect guy who calls me Babe, catches the bad guys and keeps the city safe. He's come running to my rescue so many times that I started relying on him being there every time I screwed up. I got kidnapped, stabbed, shot, assaulted I don't know how many times and he was always there to rescue me."

"And what did you give back to him?"

"I helped out with work for his business, but more than that we because friends outside of work. Some of the best times I've had were when we just hung out. That was when I started to get to know Carlos. He's got a dry but absolutely wicked sense of humour. We watched our favourite movies together I don't know how many times, just because we both needed a laugh."

"What movies?" asked Hank; I think he was curious about Ranger.

"For me, Ghostbusters. For him, Austin Powers, the first one or Goldmember. I was surprised at first when he admitted that, cause I kind of thought army guys would be into war movies."

"Nope," Hank chimed in. "Bad memories or terrible acting and unrealistic action. I hate them too."

"Yeah, I see what you mean." I continued. "He always held himself back from me though. He was happy to be friends and hang out, or poach kisses or have a grope, but aside from that one night we didn't take it further. He told me his life didn't lend itself to relationships, that he couldn't commit. But then I realised he was still hung up on an ex-girlfriend, and I found out from Oscar that she had cheated on him. One of my closest friends that works with him told me that they were back together and it was serious. So I realised that his life didn't lend itself to relationships **with me**, but with Cat Woman, the ex, yeah, sure."

"Cat Woman?"

"That's what I call her. She's fucking perfect, everything I'm not. Blonde, skinny, stacked. She was in the army and is one of the most successful BEAs in the country. She wears black leather and looks good in it. And the way she looks at him is like a tiger stalking it's prey, so yeah, Cat Woman is kind of apt."

"Are you jealous of her?" Richie should be a counsellor. Him and Hank, both.

"I'm jealous of the fact that she is what he wants."

"Do you think you've worked as hard as you have so that you can be like her?" Wow, Hank! That one hit a little too close to home.

I thought about it for a little while. "I don't think so. No, the more I think about it, definitely not. I enjoy working as a BEA and I can't do that unless I know how to protect myself. I don't want to go back to work in Trenton, and I don't want to rely on the Merry Men coming to my rescue constantly, so I had to do something to improve my chance of getting through an apprehension in one piece. Getting healthy was all about feeling better about myself, actually enjoying it was a fluke that I could probably blame on Hank and Oscar."

"Hang on, Merry Men?" Richie looked confused. I laughed.

"Yeah, that's what I call the guys who work for Ranger's company. You know, the misunderstood bunch of outlaws, fighting for justice for the common man, all that crap. They're mostly ex-military tough guys but they treat me like their little sister. Anyway, when I was back in Trenton, they had to constantly come to my rescue or babysit me when I got into some type of disaster. I was a joke. I couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag. I needed to get fit and start eating healthier. Do you know I used to eat takeaway every day, and had doughnuts for breakfast most days?"

"How were you not the size of a house?" Richie wondered, out loud.

"Hungarian metabolism," I shrugged. "If I could bottle it I would make a fortune."

"So what do you want now?" This question, I noted with a small measure of self-satisfaction, was far easier to answer than it was a year ago.

"I want to get a job in Miami and move there. I want to keep training, it's part of my life now. I want to talk to Carlos, Ranger, face to face. I need to let go of this relationship and move on, and I can't do that for some reason. I'm hoping that seeing him and Jeanne-Ellen together and happy will make me get over him." Or completely break my heart, but that remains to be seen. "I want to buy my own house, or condo. I have never owned real estate, not even when I was married, it all belonged to Dickie. Then I am going to work and travel until I get too old to enjoy it anymore."

Richie took all this in and thought about things for a few minutes. I made myself another cowboy shot, then got up and grabbed myself a bottle of water to try to dilute the inevitable hangover. When I sat back down, Richie looked me straight in the eye, making sure he had my undivided attention and started talking.

"Steph, Hank hasn't told me much about you except that you were driven by something that happened back home. So here is my take on the situation now that I've heard it. You didn't take responsibility for your actions while you were living in Trenton, and I am pretty sure that whenever something bad happened, you sat your arse firmly in Denial Land as you call it, and blamed everything on something or someone other than yourself. You feel like shit because you have finally acknowledged that it was, in some cases, completely your fault and in others, partially your fault. Could you have changed the outcome of certain situations if you had the skills and training behind you back then? For sure. It was your own fault for not getting training and it was the fault of Ranger and your boss at the bonds office for not insisting you got training. How the hell you carried a gun for years without being able to competently use it is beyond me. You worked in a field where you apprehended people, and you couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag. Again, shame on you for not getting training, and shame on your employer for not insisting you got it.

Now you are trained, you can use pretty much any weapon, and you are finally competent and capable of doing your job. You learnt to respect your body, by eating better and exercising. Not only have you improved your ability to do your job and not get hurt, but you have probably increased your life expectancy by 15 years by cutting a whole heap of processed shit out of your diet. You were, in my opinion, going through depression, anxiety and self-esteem issues. No fucking wonder. You got counselling, you worked to sort your shit out and I would say you are pretty much together. Yeah, your love life sucks. You are still in love with a guy who loves someone else. Boo-fucking-hoo. You need to get over it, you need to take control of your relationship with this guy and either clear him out of your life or give it a red hot go. If he is happy with this Cat Woman, let him go. But I agree, you should talk to him. It helps. Now, some humble advice. Life isn't perfect, but it is the only one you get. So make the most of it. Stop moping about what happened in the past and look towards making the most of your future. Now drink up, I feel like getting smashed too."

I looked at Richie in stunned silence. He summed up the last few years of my life in a matter of minutes and put it all into perspective. It was time to move on. From Joe, from Esteban, from Ranger/Carlos, from my old life of denial and being the laughing stock. It had taken me months and months to realise my pity party for what it was. Richie was right. It was time to grow the fuck up. And right now, it was time to get smashed.

I raised my glass. "A toast, to my old life. I bid you farewell."

The boys drank with me. "Farewell!"

I refilled my glass and raised it again. "To Miami!"


	27. Conversations

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created by and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** I am floored. Thank you for your feedback on the last chapter.

**Chapter 26: Conversations**

Wednesday morning was a write-off. I ran with the hangover from hell, ate a couple of hash browns, vomited in the car park, ran home, got sick again, then slept for another three hours. I decided to skip sparring training and asked Hank to handcuff me with my hands behind my back while I lay on the floor on my stomach. This was generally how I woke up when I got kidnapped and I hated feeling that helpless, so I wanted to practice getting out of that situation as much as possible. Oscar had taught me how to make a handcuff key from a pen lid or a paper clip. Today Hank gave me an early birthday present, a moving back to Miami present as he described it. He presented me with a TIHK, which is literally a Tiny Inconspicuous Handcuff Key that could clip onto a belt loop, bra strap, sock, whatever. He made me promise to carry it at all times, which I swore I would do. Hank also showed me the ring he always wore, which I had originally thought was a plain titanium ring. Turns out it had a handcuff pick tool on the inside surface. He had been handcuffed when he was held prisoner and this was one of the recovery tools he used as part of his therapy, to know that if it ever happened again he would have a method to escape. That and to make sure it never happened again. I promised myself I would get one with my first Rangeman pay cheque. I had, over time, reduced my handcuff picking time from an obscene 24 minutes to now under 2 minutes. I had a long way to go, Hank averaged under 30 seconds.

Practicing escape techniques as well as apprehension and defence gave me a great deal of confidence. One of my biggest fears was being locked in small, dark, enclosed spaces and now I felt like I had an arsenal of tools to be able to either prevent myself from getting taken by one of the bad guys in the first place, or to be able to get out if it ever did happen.

Richie and I spent a couple of hours in the afternoon practising for our gig the following night. We had a great set list worked out and practised each of the songs a few times to make sure we had the harmonies right. What had started as a day to write off as MIA due to excessive alcohol consumption had turned into a relaxing afternoon spent with my friends.

Wednesday night at the bar was dead quiet so Ana and I took the opportunity to talk a number of times. She told me that Connie was recovering well from her assault and that she had received some exciting news. Her manager had arranged for sponsored employment including room and board for both her and Rico in Miami with the same chain that she currently worked for. Connie had bravely told her boss about being attacked and his wife had insisted that he did something to help. She was moving to Miami in four weeks and was, by all accounts, ecstatic. Ana also told me that she and Connie were the best of friends, not sisters, but Rico had called her Tia since he first met her. I was so pleased for Connie and I promised myself I would make an effort to see them when I got back to Miami.

It was such a quiet night that we closed up early, just before midnight. No point staying open when we were barely covering costs. I headed downstairs to check the cellar and turn off the air lines for the bar. When I was out in the rear yard, I heard voices from next door again. Common sense told me to go inside and ignore it. My spidey sense told me I needed to hear what they had to say, so I crept closer.

"_Are you sure? Is it secure?"_

"_I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise. It is where we hold meetings for a reason. The owner is clean. He won't tolerate the drunk tourists or allow drugs on the premises, so the police leave him alone. Plus, if we meet there early tomorrow, you will see the sexiest singer you will ever see perform."_

"_We are not here to be entertained, we are here to complete our transaction. Besides, your girls have taken care of our needs well."_

"_My friend this woman is untouchable, which makes her more enticing. She belongs to El Tigre. But Bella sends me home with a hard on that could hammer nails every time."_

"_I am not interested in your boss's woman, what is your point?"_

"_Trust me, you will go home and think of her while you jack off. She's that hot."_

"_Your point?"_

"_The place will be crowded and noisy and every male in the room will be watching her, so no one will pay attention to our discussions. Our guards will make sure no one can hear and we sweep for bugs so you know we are not listened to. Plus we drink for free."_

"_We will meet at 9. The sample merchandise is over here, I trust you will find it satisfactory."_

The voices trailed off as they walked away. Who the hell was El Tigre? Were they talking about me? My mother had been telling me for years not to eavesdrop, you'd think I would have listened to her by now? Apparently not.

I crept back to the cellar and finished my jobs, then headed upstairs. I needed to talk to Hank.

"Hank, I have to talk to you."

"No drama, just let me finish up here. Want to help clear the register?"

I counted up the takings quickly and confirmed they matched the register roll. We finished cleaning and locking up, then headed up to the top floor.

"We'll talk in my room, Steph," Hank told me, and I followed him upstairs.

I plonked down on his bed and sighed. "I heard voices next door again."

"What happened?"

"Who is El Tigre?"

His eyebrows shot up so much they nearly met his hairline. "You heard someone talking about him?"

"Who is it?" I insisted. "They were talking about a singer being his woman. Is that me?"

"That would be you, Toots. El Tigre is Esteban. That is his name in Los Zetas."

Great. Peachy. Fucking fabulous. "They are meeting here tomorrow."

"Yeah, I know, I got a call to hold the table in the corner."

"Do I need to know something about this?"

"Nope. They keep the general criminals away from us, we give them somewhere to meet."

"Why?" I demanded, knowing I sounded whiny.

"They own the building Steph."

"Oh." I thought about that for a minute. Something didn't make sense. "Hang on, when Esteban talked to me up here, he scanned for bugs. Why, when the building is his?"

"Just careful maybe?"

"Maybe, but my gut tells me there is more."

"Listen to your gut." Hank yawned, and of course I caught the yawn too. "Now get some sleep. Big night tomorrow night, last gig with Richie."

"Yeah, I'm really excited. What do I do about the meeting?"

"Ignore them. Sleep. 10 miles tomorrow then we are doing another fitness test."

I grimaced. "I hate you."

"I know. Love you too. Night."

I blew him a kiss then walked out to my room. I closed my door over but didn't latch it, in case Freyja wanted to come in later. I lay across the bed and was fast asleep within minutes.

Next thing I knew, Hank was shaking my foot.

"Get up slack arse! You are still wearing your gear from last night. Come on, run time!"

"Yeah yeah, 5 minutes…." I muttered.

"No, now!" He insisted. "If I leave you alone you'll go back to sleep. Get up or I'll throw you in the shower!"

"Alright, fine, whatever!"

I got myself up, staggered half asleep to the bathroom, did what I needed to do and then changed into my running gear. My hair was misbehaving so I tied it back in a ponytail. I scrubbed my face with a wet flannel and deemed myself ready to head out.

"Jump in the car, Steph."

"Why?"

"We're doing a beach run today. I'm going to miss it when we leave."

Me too. "Excellent. Freyja coming?"

"Of course!"

We bundled ourselves into Hank's truck, Freyja secured in the back seat of his dual cab. The beach was gorgeous but mostly empty at this time of day aside from a couple of surfers. Freyja ambled along at her own pace, staying near us, while chasing birds and occasionally paddling in the water. You could see how much she was enjoying herself just by looking at her face. We talked about the move to Miami while we ran. Hank asked if I would consider buying a house with him, which I readily agreed to. By pooling our money we would have a fantastic deposit and our combined incomes would cover a mortgage easily. Hank's dream of living near the water could become a reality as could my dream of finally having a home of my own. We finished our run and headed back to the truck.

We stopped at the market on the way home, getting supplies for the bar as well as ourselves, then headed home. I made us omelettes for breakfast while Hank put everything away. We gave ourselves time to digest the food and then we headed downstairs for my torture session, I mean fitness test. I did much better than the last test, I guess because this time I had fuelled up properly and wasn't hung over. I reached my push up target of 60 with 10 seconds to go, and blitzed the sit-ups, getting through 75 in the two minutes. I was very happy to reach the required number of pull-ups for two reasons. It meant I reached the target, yes, but it also meant that my upper body strength was finally at a good level, where it had lagged behind my lower body for ages. The burpees still sucked. I got to 25 and wanted to die, but kept going. I stopped at 30, gasping for air and hurting all over.

"Alright, now you time me." Hank's confidence was evident in his tone.

Turns out it was well deserved. He did 80 push-ups, 80 sit-ups, 50 pull-ups and 40 burpees, each easily in two minutes. I hated him for a second, then felt proud as could be. "You aced it!" I yelled. "You kicked ass!"

"Thanks sis," Hank responded with a warm smile. "I feel nearly as good as I did before everything happened."

"You've worked hard, you deserve it." I thought about our move to Miami for a minute. We were both ready for it, why not go now? "Screw it, let's get our applications through straight away."

"You really sure? I mean, are you ready?"

"Yep, I figure I can keep training but at this rate I should be able to hit all the targets in the next 3 weeks or so."

"Yeah, I agree."

"I'll call Hector and confirm where to send the applications to. I want to make sure these don't go across Carlos' desk."

"Or Lester's." I shot him a look, which he pointedly ignored. I shrugged.

"Yeah, okay, or Lester's." But why? Something I'd have to get out of him eventually. I called Hector.

"_Hello."_

"_Hello Hector, its Stephanie." _His answering tone was pleasantly surprised.

"_Have you been taking Spanish lessons?" _I grinned.

"_Life lessons my friend. If you breathe a word to anyone I will never talk to you again."_

"_Did you ring for a chat? Or just to surprise the crap out of me by talking Spanish with a Mexican accent?" _I laughed, my eyes fluttering closed as I relished in the familiar, comforting sound of his voice.

"_I've been living in Tampico for a couple of months, so that probably accounts for the accent. I'm coming back soon though, there's lots of shit going down here. Listen Hec, I want to send in my application to work at Rangeman Miami but I don't want it to go across Ranger or Lester's desks. Who should I send it to? And there will be two, it will be for me and Hank."_

"_Who is Hank?"_

"_I know you'll do a full run on him, Graham Covey, DOB 11 November 1975, Australian. Ex Commando." _I rattled off.

"_Are you fucking kidding me?"_

"_Ah, no. Why?"_

"_I know him, just not as Hank." _How did Hector know Hank? I hated being in the dark on this sort of stuff, but for now I had to wait._ "Tell him to get his application in to Silvio, mark it for his eyes only. I'll start his E3 paperwork, should be through in two weeks. Could he still pass the PFT?" _I grinned like a proud PTA mom.

"_Yep, he aced it this morning."_

"_He'll be accepted immediately if he gets through the psych eval. His background check is clear, I'll pass it to Rodríguez but he's a no brainer. Is he still as good a shot as he was?"_

"_Yeah, amazing would sum it up."_

"_Done. Tell him we need a BEA for Miami for high bond skips plus they were looking for someone to help with training. He wants it, it's his."_

"_Hang on a sec." _I passed the details on to Hank.

"Will Freyja be an obstacle? She'll need to be with me in the office." He kept his eyes down when he asked, I think because he knew this could be a deal breaker and I knew he couldn't be without her.

"_Hec, Hank has a dog that needs to be with him. She's great, but she stays with him at all times."_

"_PTSD dog?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_No problem. Let him know I'll take care of it. How about you?"_

"_I want to apply for a BEA and Skip Trace position. Is there anything?"_

"_Steph, are you serious about moving to Miami?"_

"_Yeah, I don't want to be in Trenton any more. I'll come back to see my folks and grab my stuff, but I need to settle somewhere without feeling like everyone is judging me for my past actions."_

"_Are you planning to live on-site?"_

"_Actually no, I want to buy a house. Hank and I talked about buying a place near the water. He surfs and I have fallen in love with the beach as well."_

"_Are you guys together?" _he asked after a pause.

I laughed. _"No, he's like my big brother and I'm closer to him than I am my own sister."_

"_What about you and Ranger?"_

"_There is no me and Ranger._" I said with a fair bit of grit in my tone. "_I don't want to go back to Trenton for a number of reasons, one being I know I couldn't deal with working in the same building where he and Jeanne-Ellen live. But also, if I go back there everyone will still see me as the "Bombshell Bounty Hunter". I need a fresh start."_

"_Steph, there is…"_

I cut him off before he could tell me more. I didn't want to know. _"No, it's okay Hec. I have dealt with it and am trying to move on. I can start over in Miami, the skips don't know me and I won't have a network of informants to lean on, so I really will have to start from nothing. I'm looking forward to the challenge, but I have to get the damn job first."_

"_Send your application through to Silvio," _Hector repeated._ "He oversees recruitment for Miami and Ranger has pretty much given him blanket authority. They have been looking for someone to help with distractions as well. Are you willing to do those?"_

"_Yeah, slutting it up and encouraging bad guys to follow me out the door seems to be my forte. I don't mind running them as long as I get to be a part of the planning. I refuse to put myself in any more dangerous situations if I'm not in control."_

"_Are you carrying now?" _I could hear the smile on Hector's face. He was proud of me!

"_Yep, two guns and a knife Hec, at all times."_

"_That's my girl. I'll let Silvio know to expect your applications. He will want to test you, really push you, so be ready for the PFT, self-defence and range tests. He respects your intuition but he'll push to make sure you are physically able to handle a threat." _I grinned; I looked forward to proving myself.

"_I can hold my own."_

"_Good. I'll run your background check and send it down to Silvio."_

"_Thanks Hec."_

"_When will you be back in Trenton?" _I smiled at the almost-whining note his voice had taken.

"_Depends on Silvio. I am hoping to head back there in a month or so, then down to Miami for testing. If I get accepted, I'll rent near the building until we find a house."_

"_Do you still have your apartment?"_

"_Grandma has apparently turned it into a senior swingers pad. There is no way I am stepping foot inside that place ever again."_

"_Come stay with me. I have a place about 20 minutes from Haywood. You and Hank can both stay if you want. There is a yard for his dog, so she is welcome."_

"_Thanks Hec, I appreciate the offer, I'll let you know. We'll send our applications to Silvio today. I'm really excited about this, it feels right. See you soon Hector."_

"_Bye Stephanie."_

I did a little happy dance, then turned to face Hank. "Why does Hector know you?"

"I don't think I've met him, but I knew Carlos and Lester when they were still in Rangers."

"Something I need to know?" Yeah, like why hadn't he told me this before?

"No." There was a complete shutdown in tone and on his face.

"Should I drop it?"

"Yes."

And for once, I did.


	28. Recognition

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created by and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**Chapter 27: Recognition**

By half past eight, the bar was busy. In fact, I'd say it was well on the way to being crowded. Hank had one of the on-call guys on the door so he could help out in the kitchen. He was also planning on giving me a hand behind the bar although I was managing for now. We had Ana and Rosa waiting tables, keeping the customers well supplied with both food and booze. I noticed that the table in the corner was still empty, reserved for the Los Zetas meeting, but I stayed well in denial of anything that would happen in that corner.

I had dressed with the gig in mind, wearing my favourite dark blue jeans, black high heeled boots, black cowl-necked halter top and, feeling like having a little fun tonight, a black cowboy hat. The look I was going for was sexy and playful and from the look on Hank's face when I walked downstairs I had done my job.

"Do I need to assign security for you tonight?" he asked, I think half seriously.

Ah, the comedian. "I'm good."

"You look good, but you're planning on being bad, aren't you?"

"Who me?" I batted my lashes at him, trying to appear contrite.

"Let's get to it."

I threw him a half-assed salute and got to work. I preferred working bar when we were busy and tonight I was having a blast. We had a group of Irish lads in, who were well on their way to "toasted" as they called it, and they were intent on keeping me in fits of laughter all night. They set up camp around the pool table and were a little loud, but they were having fun and were harmless so we let them be. Hank sent over bowls of crisps and piping hot fries to temper the amount of alcohol they were ingesting, which worked. They slowed down a little and seemed to settle in for a long night. We had asked them to set up a reverse bar tab when they arrived, which they agreed to. We had had groups drink all night then not have enough cash to cover their bill when it was pay up time, so we had started doing this and it worked a treat.

Richie and I were due to go on stage at 9.30, so at 9 I took my 10-minute break and sat down with Richie to run through the song list again, and to drink my warm up cup of tea. My spidey-sense started going off just as we finished up - something told me to check what was going on in the bar, so I did.

Holy fucking crap.

The Los Zetas table was occupied, as expected. Unfortunately, the guy who rode with Esteban when I saw him at McDonalds was there. I had a bad feeling about him, Mr Tattoo Man or whatever his name was. There were two obvious bodyguards standing within 3 feet of the table but it was the other two other guys at the table that grabbed and held my undivided attention. One had his back to the wall and the other sitting side on. The guy with his back to the wall I would recognise anywhere. Ricardo Carlos Manoso. It was Ranger. Carlos. My heart skipped a beat as a flutter of butterflies was unleashed in my stomach. I can't believe he's here! The impulsive girl I thought I had buried deep inside myself wanted to run out and wrap my arms around him, then smack him upside the head. He and I had more than a few things to talk about. The smart(er) part of my brain took over and checked out the other guy at the table. Because he was sitting side on, my view was partly obscured but I didn't need to see all of him, I knew who it was just by the way he held himself while he was talking. I was half thrilled and half sad to see my friend and former partner in crime, Lester. Thrilled to see my boys after such a long time and sad to realise I wouldn't be talking to them, they were on a mission. I figured they were under cover because they were both heavily tattooed and dressed as I had never seen them, in leather vests and jeans, and they were sitting with members of a drug cartel. Subtle clues I know! I was just plain old excited to see them. It had been over a year since I had seen Carlos and he looked older, a little harder, but he was still a heart-stoppingly handsome man and those delicious arms decorated with tattoos… So I worked out looking at him still affected me although the dark look on his face right now would scare the pants of any sane man in the room. Or woman for that matter, although scare wasn't exactly the word I'd use. Lester's face seemed harsher, more dangerous than I was used to and his hair and skin were darker. Actually, they looked so similar he could pass for Carlos' brother. Holy cow, I could not believe they were here! Hang on, how could I go on stage with them here? What if they recognise me? What if I somehow blow their cover? What if they hate me? What if… Just stop, you have to calm down idiot, I silently admonished myself. Just get out there, get up on the damn stage and do your job!

I threw a jacket on and walked around through the hall to the side door that opened behind the stage. The jacket and hat hid my appearance enough that I could quickly check the speakers and leads, as I always did before a set, hopefully without being recognised by the men at the table. Of course it helped that they were deep in discussion. Tattoo Man stood and went to the bathroom and while he was gone Ana appeared, bringing over three bottles of Negra Modelo and two cokes for the bodyguards. I finished my equipment check and went back through the rear door. With the door open and if I strained my ears, I could just hear Les and Ranger talking.

Lester had started talking almost as soon as Ana left the table. "So yeah, Hec's call, what a mind fuck! You know, it's been over a year. I miss her."

"Are you going to let up on this if I answer you?"

"Probably not." Lester had not changed a bit.

"Yes. I miss her. I didn't realise how much until she was gone."

"Are you going to tell her?"

"No."

"She's not Jeanne."

"No shit."

"Hec said she was here. Man up asshole, find her and fucking tell her."

"Fuck you asshole – don't talk to me about manning up."

Their conversation stopped abruptly as they were re-joined by Tattoo Man.

My heart raced. They were talking about me! What happened with Jeanne-Ellen? Maybe he means he is glad I am nothing like Jeanne-Ellen, which is why they are together. Oh God, what do I do now? If they are under cover and I let on that I know them, I could seriously screw up their mission. Do I let Hank know? I took a deep breath and closed the door. My mind was made up. I needed to let Carlos and Lester know I was here and that I recognised them, but I wouldn't do anything to blow their cover.

I went back into the kitchen and waved a concerned Richie away, blaming nerves for my less than calm appearance. I meditated to centre myself, ensuring that I was in my "zone" and able to perform my best. My pride wouldn't allow anything less, plus I was going to see the man I had been in love with for years, for the first time in well over a year. Would he recognise me? Certainly not my voice, and it was obvious he could no longer sense me. I make one quick change to the set list with Richie, making our first song a message to Carlos. Richie and I hugged each other then walked on stage.

Richie introduced himself and then introduced me as Bella, as the guys in the bar called me. He introduced our first song, saying _"this song is dedicated to unrequited love and lonely nights."_

We launched into a deconstructed version of "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls. The words had a double meaning for me. One was obvious, the other was a beautiful story Richie had told me about the singer, Chrissy Amphlett, who had died from breast cancer. She wanted to use the song as an anthem for women to check their breasts for changes that may warn of early stage breast cancer, hoping it could save more women from such a devastating disease. It takes a strong woman to make a stand like that when she knew the same disease would eventually claim her. Mary-Lou lost her mother to breast cancer at a young age, so I knew just how important it was to self-examine, but growing up in a traditional home where we were taught that touching yourself was "dirty", it was hard to get used to. Being single for well over a year, well, let's just say I know my breasts well.

I had seen a clip of Chrissy singing this song on the net and was amazed at how sensual the song could be. My favourite lines in the song were, in my eyes, a reflection of how I felt about Carlos. I felt sad at how pathetically desperate I must have been, in his eyes and in the eyes of others back in Trenton. I followed him around and took any infinitesimal amount of attention he would throw my way. I let him treat me as a diversion in his life. I was still mad that he called me a cheater when he was more than willing to perpetuate the situation. He called me unskilled and unwilling to train, but how was dragging me out of bed at 5am in any way going to get me enthusiastic about training? But still, I had loved him and accepted the attention because it was all he gave me. This was going to be the song to make him realise I had loved him, passionately, probably obsessively, but without reservation. If only he had been honest with me. We could have had one of those relationships I dreamed of having, but never thought I would find, where we still wanted to hold hands even when we were 80, where we laughed, cried and loved each other unconditionally for the rest of the time we had together. Where we were both the best of friends and soul mates. This was the song that told him that if he had just told me the truth about why his life didn't "lend itself" to a relationship, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache. In short, I was telling him that even though he still had a hold of my heart, this had to be goodbye. I poured my soul into the song, along with the pent up emotion and passion I felt, and as I did tears came to my eyes unbidden. I hated feeling like this, feeling like I would do anything if he would only just acknowledge me. I couldn't keep doing this to myself. I had to see him, talk to him. This has to end so I can just get on with my life.

**RPOV**

As soon as Alonso left the table of course Lester started again. Hector had called through his weekly status report on the sat phone earlier today. His summary was delivered with his usual efficiency, then he added some news that blew me away. Stephanie had called him and she was here, in Tampico. I used to think I could sense her presence, but I had been in town for two weeks setting up this insane deal the DEA wanted and I hadn't felt a thing nor had I seen any trace of her. You'd think a curly haired, blue eyed, shopping addicted American girl would be easy to spot, but no, apparently not.

Alonso was 2IC for the state arm of Los Zetas cartel and we were posing as M13 lieutenants, setting up a deal to exchange coke for enough weapons and extra members to arm the Los Zetas in their territory war against the Gulf Cartel. Esteban Patrán, the local Zetas leader, had disappeared just over a week ago along with most of his enforcers so it meant that this idiot, Jorge Alonso, was negotiating the deal with us for weapons and troops he thought were coming from M13. The DEA didn't care who was killed or who won the war down here, as long as the supply line of coke coming over the border was disrupted and they got a few good headlines for taking out one of the major cartels in the Mexican drug wars. We had already dealt with Los Zetas main cocaine supplier in Colombia, removing the principal players and destroying their factories and in the process hand delivering $500 million in coke to the DEA. The next part of the plan was to hit the cartel in a joint operation with the Mexican Special Forces GAFE team, who were itching for retaliation after more than 30 of their members were poached by Los Zetas a few years ago.

In short, this mission was FUBAR. We were supposed to be arming a group of ex-special forces soldiers and gang members against the DEA and current Special Forces, hoping to take possession of a truckload of cocaine and get names and faces of the main players in one of the most ruthless cartels in Mexico, without being identified, while the rival gang in the area was being backed up by Sureños members from the States who may or may not be able to identify us on sight. See? FUBAR.

To sweeten the negotiations from his end, Alonso had set us up in a private villa near the beach, complete with driver, security and companions. Much better than the crap hotel room the DEA wanted us in and it helped to build our image, plus it kept Los Zetas satisfied that they had us under surveillance 24/7. Being so closely watched meant our guard was never down, and it also meant we had to act exactly as our alternate identities would. Lester had taken full advantage of the girls as expected, gorgeous barely legal girls that had no inhibitions and were happy to do anything he thought of. I was happy to watch the girls together in the little performances Les orchestrated, content to get blown, but I didn't take their offers any further. We took it in turns getting off so that one of us was on watch at all times. We also slept in rotations, both of us unable to let our guard down enough to rest unless someone was watching, something that had been ingrained in us since a nightmare deployment in the Middle East. We declined an offer of a cook, preferring not to eat anything we hadn't prepared ourselves, and when we drank it was either water or beer from bottles we opened ourselves, or water straight from a vodka bottle if the occasion called for it.

Narc missions. I fucking hated them but my handler had managed to convince me this one was worthwhile. The targets in Colombia had been eliminated easily, probably too easily for my liking, and now we were stuck in fucking Mexico. It had always been unstable down here but the violence had been escalating steadily as the territorial war between the cartels went from scrappy street fighting to, in some areas, full blown armed conflict that was threatening to spill over the border. Tampico had somehow remained relatively unscathed so far, but the factional bullshit that was destroying Mexico was heading this way. Three men were found beheaded down near the port just a couple of weeks ago, which was a typical signature of a Gulf Cartel kill, but it concerned me because our intel had told us we had a little time before the Gulf Cartel was due to move in on the city. Also concerning was that one of the men had his balls blown off at least 24 hours prior to his death, which I hadn't seen before in a cartel kill. Maybe it wasn't Gulf Cartel after all, that level of torture seemed a little personal. Besides, the DEA assured us the bust would be over before Gulf moved in, proving again they had insiders there as well.

Half way through my inner fuming over ever accepting this insane mission, Alonso excused himself to take a leak. And, as expected, Lester started yapping again.

"So yeah, Hec's call, what a mind fuck! You know, it's been over a year. I miss her."

And here we go again. "Are you going to let up on this if I answer you?"

"Probably not." At least he was honest about it.

"Yes. I miss her. I didn't realise how much until she was gone." I had learnt early in life that it was easier just to talk when Lester was in this sort of mood and he was fairly careful that nothing he said was classified or able to identify us. Being neck deep in shit in a 'Stan hadn't stopped him and I didn't expect sitting in a bar with a drug cartel to either. Anyway it was true, I missed everything about Stephanie. She was one of the only friends I had. In fact she was the only woman I had known, outside my family, who didn't want me for my money or to be some kind of trophy fuck. I had fucked up royally with her and I was embarrassed to admit how long it had taken me to realise it.

"Are you going to tell her?"

Tell her what, dick head? That I'm an idiot? That I missed her? That I wanted her to come back to Trenton with me so I could make love to her every night and wake up with her in my arms? "No."

"She's not Jeanne."

"No shit." Thank God.

"Hec said she was here. Man up asshole, find her and fucking tell her."

"Fuck you asshole – don't talk to me about manning up."

We both shut up as Alonso came back to the table.

"You should enjoy this," he said with a cruel looking smirk on his face. "Bella is the sexiest woman I have ever seen. If the boss hadn't claimed her, she would be fucking me every night."

I refused to comment. I had been in these situations before, where the boss's woman would suddenly come on to me, or Les, half way through an op. It was the oldest trick in the book to test the loyalty of your men. A former colleague had been castrated because he fell for "the boss's woman", and the woman in question had been stoned to death. Adultery was not tolerated in Syria. We kept talking until the performers walked onto the stage. Bella was accompanied by a guitarist who introduced them both with an Australian accent. I still found it one of the easiest accents to pick, especially after being on base with the Australian Commando company in the Middle East.

Bella was sitting on a bar stool with her legs tucked under the seat. She started singing and our conversation ground to a halt. Her voice was mesmerising. Rich, throaty, passionate, what the hell was she doing singing is a shit hole like this? Her body was fucking gorgeous and combined with that voice, I felt my cock harden just looking at her. What was I, thirteen? I couldn't see her face but at this rate I didn't care. I knew why Esteban had designated her untouchable. Her face was mostly hidden by a black cowboy hat and the way she held her face down while she was singing, but her body would be saved permanently in my spank files. I couldn't stand women who were stick figures, I usually preferred big breasts and tiny waists. Stephanie was the first to deviate from my norm, but her heart shaped ass more than made up for her smaller breasts. Who was I kidding, her breasts perfectly fit my hand. Bella had incredible muscle definition in her arms and I could tell she was toned all over but maintained curves that could kill a man. Her skin tight jeans fit her ass like a glove and the halter top showed off her breasts and perfect shoulders.

She was singing "I Touch Myself", coincidentally by an Australian band I had first heard in the Middle East, The Divinyls. The emotion in her voice was raw. Most people thought this song was just about masturbation, and in some respects it was, but to me it was about loving someone completely, where you are almost consumed by them. Obsessive, yeah, but it's the sort of love I knew I would never find. I listened to her sing and I heard pain, loneliness and pure love in the voice of the angel on stage. Lester was completely flummoxed by her as well, and turned his seat to watch her perform. I no longer cared that she was not my usual type, she was stunning, beautiful white skin, flawless body, dark red hair. I could see why Esteban Patrán was enamoured with her. Listening to that voice, so full of emotion and power, I was entranced.

When the song finished, we applauded along with the crowd. Bella stood, removed her hat and wiped a tear from her eyes. Lester and I caught a glimpse of her startling blue eyes, they were an unforgettable sparkling, sapphire blue. We looked at each other and back to the stage. Lester silently moved his seat closer to mine to get a better view of the singer on the stage. No. Fucking. Way.

Bella thanked the crowd in perfect Spanish and announced the next song.

"_Next up is _Te Perdiste Mi Amor,_ dedicated to anyone who has lost a love_."

(Loosely translates to "You Missed Out on My Love")

She and the guitarist sang in perfect Spanish. No way was that Stephanie, she must just have a doppelgänger here in town. But what if it was? I wanted to stay around after their gig to talk to her. The duet over, the performers accepted the bottles of water brought over by one of the waitresses.

I looked at Alonso, who had a predatory look on his face while he watched her.

"_I see why Esteban is so possessive of her,"_ I stated. I wanted to finish our discussions and get rid of this guy. He was bad news and I was pretty sure he was both sampling the merchandise he was peddling and somehow leaking information to the Gulf Cartel. We hadn't picked up any confirmation of this, it was just a gut feeling I had.

"_He will kill you if you touch her," _Alonso growled.

"_Noted. Are we agreed? We can deliver in one month. Half before and half after the shipment."_

"_And the soldiers?"_

"_They will be here as soon as the shipment is confirmed. Our chemist will check quality and then give the all clear."_

"_Done. The Colombians will be here in six weeks with their final shipment. We will need bodyguards and snipers before then."_

"_Send the merch on a yacht to Miami, we will take care of the rest. Don't fuck this up or it will be your head under the bridge next time."_

"_Fuck you Pardo. You abuse my hospitality, you'll be wearing a new tie." _The Mexican necktie, gruesome but effective. The Colombians liked that one as well.

"_We are agreed."_

"_Done."_

We shook hands and Alonso stood to leave. I fought the urge to wipe my hand on my jeans.

"_We'll stay a little longer, nothing else to do." _I told him.

"_Fine, my men leave with me." _Good, I thought.

He walked out, taking the body guards with him. Lester discretely scanned for bugs and gave the all clear signal. On stage, they were singing what I knew was Domino by Jessie J. My daughter made sure I knew all the latest songs and most of them made me cringe, but I liked this one.

Lester and I talked while we watched the performers on stage. I needed to talk to her, to Stephanie, but I couldn't break cover in any way. My gut told me this was my Babe and I had learnt to listen to it.

Lester's role on this job was pretty close to his real personality. He was posing as my brother, Stephan, a notorious player and partier who turned assassin in the blink of an eye. He could approach Bella/Stephanie without raising too many eyebrows, hell he flirted with anything and anyone. The DEA had insiders in both Los Zetas and the Gulf Cartel but I couldn't trust any intel we hadn't confirmed independently, especially if it was provided by the DEA. Our contact was based in their Miami Division and I didn't trust his ability to tie his own shoe laces, so we had to double check anything they gave us. We had thought that stumbling across Patrán's woman was a blessing in disguise, that we could bug her to gain more access to Esteban Patrán's inner sanctum, but it was up to Lester to get close to her first and I could plant the bugs while he kept her busy. But the more I watched her, the more I was certain it was Stephanie. Her body shape was completely different, her mannerisms had altered slightly but they still echoed those I remembered so well. The Stephanie I thought I knew hadn't spoken a word of Spanish and this girl spoke it like a native, complete with a Mexican accent. Stephanie had never sung back in Trenton, except when she was alone in her car where she tended to screech along to her favourite heavy metal bands. This girl carried herself like a professional, a seasoned performer. If it was Stephanie, what the hell was she doing with Esteban Patrán? _¡Idiota! _I silently admonished myself. I didn't even know if she would talk to me. I had ended our friendship. Hell, if I was honest with myself, I had led her on and then sent her away. I was the idiot that climbed back into bed with the viper that was Jeanne-Ellen. I had to talk to her, end of story. Somehow, I needed to get her alone, away from Patrán's men and talk to her.


	29. Careful what you wish for

Disclaimer: The characters recognised were created by and remain the property of JE. The storyline and characters you don't recognise are my own.

**AN:** Thank you JazMitch, for your willingness and patience in helping this first timer.

To you, dear readers, I am so sorry about the delay in posting this chapter and I will read through and respond to your notes as soon as I can. I had a medical situation with one of my boys and I haven't been able to concentrate on anything else. We received his results and I am so relieved my prayers have been answered with one simple word – benign!

**Chapter 28: Careful What You Wish For**

**Steph's POV**

My heart was racing after the set, so I opened a bottle of water as soon as I got back behind the bar and guzzled half of it down, trying to calm my thoughts and my breathing. I took a deep breath and focussed on the water, trying to drink mindfully, centring my thoughts until my breathing slowed and the thoughts running through my brain changed back from pre-pubescent fan girl to something a little more mature. It took me a couple of minutes, but eventually the strong me I'd worked so hard build was back in control. Brain and breathing sorted, I got straight back to work filling orders. Hank caught my eye from where he was unloading glasses from the dishwasher and looked pointedly across the room. Lester was approaching the bar, walking up to the section where I was working.

"_What can I get you?"_ I asked him, not acknowledging our friendship just in case someone was listening. He took all of two seconds to thoroughly check me out, taking in the changes in my body shape and overall appearance. The patented Lester eyebrow waggle appeared and he gave me a smile that could ruin a lesser woman's panties in three seconds flat.

"_Two Negra Modelo. Great set by the way. You have an amazing voice, do you sing professionally?"_

"_Thank you. No, I've only just started singing in the last year."_

"_Are you doing another set tonight?"_

"_No, that's it for me, I'll let the jukebox take over from here. We're closing at 2."_

"_So does your boyfriend run this place?" _

I laughed, he was still so transparent. What he wanted to know was who ran this place, was I with him and did I have anything to do with Los Zetas? _"I wish! No, I just work here. The owner is a good friend of mine."_

"_A friend of mine used to run a place down this way, Graham Covey? Big Aussie guy, you know him?"_

I winked at Lester, holding back a smirk because I knew Hank was currently hiding in the kitchen. Wuss_. "No, the owner here might know him though. His name is Hank."_

Lester looked directly in my eyes and nodded, almost imperceptibly. Yeah, he knew him.

I watched Lester walk back to the table where Ranger was waiting, blank face was firmly in place. He raised an eyebrow when Lester returned to the table. How I wished I was a fly on the wall during that conversation!

**RPOV**

Lester walked back to the table, casually, but I could read a subtle change in his eyes. Excitement, a touch of lust and a crap load of laughter.

He spoke very quietly, barely discernible above the noise of the other patrons.

"It's Beautiful, on steroids!"

"What do you mean?"

"She speaks perfect Spanish, her body is banging, she's ripped but still has those curves, and her voice! Fuck man, you missed out!"

"Fuck you bro."

"Not a chance, not even with Vinnie's dick. Hank's here too."

"What?" I turned to look towards the bar, trying to spot our old buddy from the Middle East. Way to be subtle, Manoso! Our background checks on the bar told us the building was owned by a shell company we knew to be financed by Los Zetas, but the employee information was sorely lacking. Someone was getting their ass kicked on the mats when we got back home! How did I not know about this?

My eyes kept drifting back to the bar, towards my Babe. No Manoso, not your Babe anymore, I reminded myself, mentally admonishing myself again for fucking up. Stephanie looked like she belonged here. I hadn't seen her that relaxed or in control for, well, forever. As I watched her banter with one of the kitchen hands who was restocking glasses, a disturbance next to the bar caught both of our attention. One of the barmaids was being groped by what looked like a very drunk customer with blonde hair. He was holding her tight around the waist and she was struggling to get away. Before Les or I could react, Stephanie vaulted over the bar and confronted him. When he reached out to grab her as well, she stopped him. With a jab to the stomach, elbow to the nose and a leg sweep he was on the floor, 6 foot 4 of drunken stupidity. Steph signalled to the bouncers and said in a very clear, controlled voice, "_Get him out of here_".

I felt my body react watching her. This was my dream come true – my Babe kicking ass. She must have felt my gaze and turned to look at me. Her eyes went from shining and victorious to cold, wary and hurt. Did she hate me that much? She turned and went back to behind the bar.

"I need to see her." I said to Les, still watching her.

"They close at 2."

"We'll wait." The tone of my voice gave no room for argument, although I didn't think Les would have a problem waiting to talk to his Beautiful again.

At 5 to 2, Steph's strong voice called out "_Last drinks!_"

There were only a handful of people left in the bar besides us. We were both able to hold alcohol well and had kept a slow but steady pace all night. Steph picked up an empty tray and cloth and started wiping down tables. She walked to the table we were sitting at and I attempted to strike up a conversation, hoping she wouldn't shoot me down.

"_You have a beautiful voice."_

"_Thank you. I haven't seen you here before, are you guys on holiday?"_

Grateful that she kept our cover, I responded, _"We're in town on business but we were told we had to come here to listen to you sing. Esteban said you were amazing and he was right."_

"_Esteban is a sweetie." _Esteban Patran? Sweet? She continued. "_I'm Bella." _Her voice emphasised the assumed name, but I had no idea why she would need to use a pseudonym. Something else we needed to talk about.

"_I'm Marc, this is Stephan," _I said, looking at Lester. Les just winked, flirting as always.

"_Are you in town for long?"_

"_A couple more weeks."_

Lester chimed in, _"Hopefully long enough to get some surfing in."_

Stephanie smiled at him and quietly said, _"You should hit Escolleras Beach just after sunrise in that case, less kooks. See you around some time?"_

"_Count on it."_

I watched her walk away, something I would be happy to do anytime, anywhere. Her ass had always been great, but paired now with her leaner legs and more muscular frame, it was perfection. Tearing my eyes away, I turned back to Lester to clear up something she said. "Kooks?" I asked.

"Yeah, dudes like you. Can't surf and just get in the way."

"Fuck you man, I'd rather run than watch you get dumped by a wave."

"Let's get out of here. We're only going to get a couple of hours sleep."

"You planning on going tomorrow?"

"You really are a dumbass - that was an invitation if ever I've heard one."

We left the bar and walked down the stairs back to where we had left our bikes. We were hard ass gang members so we had to have bad ass motorcycles for this trip. The DEA could afford it so we hit them up for a couple of custom Harleys which I planned on keeping and riding back to Miami if everything went to plan. I ran the scanner over the bikes to check for any additional electronics. All clear. Hector's scanners were standard issue on all missions now and had paid major dividends already on this trip. We found new bugs in the house regularly. Les and I were both sure the girls wore them as well, hell they were basically there as our entertainment, and there is no better time to get information out of a guy than after you had fucked him. Lucky Les and I were used to this and were always able to maintain our cover, regardless of torture or torment.

When we got back to the house, the girls were all in bed. Les and I had our own rooms, the girls shared another. We walked into the kitchen, where we knew there were bugs planted. We made sure we gave them something to listen to every day. The more mundane crap they heard, the less they would focus on what they listened to.

"You planning on waking the girls Stephan?"

"Hell yeah," Lester grinned at me, "no way I can sleep like this!"

"You want to head to the gym in the morning?"

"Nah, how 'bout a ride instead?"

"I need to call HQ tomorrow to confirm the berth in Miami. After that, yeah, let's head out."

"What time you heading to the gym?"

"I'm gonna run into town. The gym opens at 7. You coming?"

"Yeah, whatever. Might give the girls the night off then, take care of this thing myself."

I rolled my eyes in disgust. Stephanie would be proud. "You always think with your dick, man?"

"You don't use it, you lose it."

"Hit the sack bro, early start."

"Night Marc."

We had a plan. We'd head to the beach at 7 and meet up with Stephanie, hopefully without a tail because Alonso's men no longer followed us to the gym. They had come the first couple of times and watched us work out, realised we were focussed on the task at hand, then left us alone. Their surveillance had been tight for the first few days, but had decreased after Patrán left town. In a city this size, it was pretty easy to lose a tail or to follow someone without detection. I figured we needed another two weeks to confirm the identity and location of the cartel leadership and major assets and to supervise the shipment delivery. The DEA wanted us out of town before the raids which meant we could leave as soon as the drugs were on board the yacht bound for Miami. The DEA would take over once the yacht hit US waters and the raids would take place here simultaneously. Les and I planned to be long gone by then, but we had to stall. The DEA didn't want anything to go down until we knew where the hell Esteban Patrán was.

_Dios, _I hated narc missions. Cartels are notoriously unstable and you couldn't trust anyone, even if they had been bought. There were too many variables, too many opportunities for someone to escalate the situation. Normally on a mission I could maintain complete focus on the end goal and would do anything to ensure success, but this time, I had a feeling it was FUBAR from the start. The DEA were running with their own agenda and I couldn't see why we were still involved in this mission. Removing the suppliers in Colombia, yes, but here in Mexico? No. Frustrated, I headed for the shower, needing to wind down if I had any hope of resting.

As I stood under the piping hot spray, my thoughts turned away from the mission. Stephanie was here! I couldn't believe it, I had finally sorted my shit out and she wasn't mine anymore. How was it possible that she was Patrán's? Christ she looked good. What had happened to her? She fought like a professional, she was confident, she carried herself like an Amazon. She had always been stunning, but pair the toned muscles with those killer curves and it made for one hell of a combination. Picturing her was certainly not relaxing. I was wound tighter than a spring. I had no interest in waking any of the girls to take care of my needs so I took some extra time to take care of it myself. I closed my eyes and pictured her, standing behind me and running her hands across my abdomen, then stroking me with increasing speed and firmness. My well-practised movements ensured I came within minutes, but I was no less aroused at the end. I wanted more. I wanted her. Even if only for a night, I didn't care. What was it about her? I kept thinking of her as I dried off and got into bed. I hadn't lacked for female attention since she left, and when Jeanne-Ellen came back she had made sure she was available for anything anytime I wanted, but with her it was sex, no emotion, just a physical release. The girls here at the house had been schooled, and were being paid, to do anything we desired, and Les had made sure he tested their boundaries and had yet to find a single one. I used them for the release, but it was pretty much nothing more than masturbation, watching the girls do whatever we fantasised then letting them blow me. But still, I was wound up and felt like something was lacking. It hit me like a bolt. Intimacy, tenderness, friendship. And, dare I say it, love. I didn't get any of that from Jeanne and a paid mistress couldn't provide it. I missed holding Stephanie in my arms, even if it was just holding her after something happened on the job. I had held her while she slept after the deal, hell it was the closest I had felt to peace for as long as I could remember.

Thinking of the only night we had shared, I was so hard there was no possible way I could sleep. I felt like a teenager again, having to jerk off before I could sleep. I cleaned up and, now exhausted, finally forced myself to fall asleep. I needed at least a couple of hours to be at my best later in the morning, especially if there was a chance of seeing Stephanie.

My alarm sounded at half past six. I quickly dressed in my running gear and went to wake Les.

"Wake up Stephan, gym time. Get your ass moving."

"No," he mumbled, "go by yourself dickwad. Let me sleep."

"If you aren't up in 2 minutes I'll bring in a bucket of water." This was actually my Mama's way of waking me up when I was a snot-nosed teenager, before I was sent to live with mi abuela.

"Alright! I'll get up!" He sounded just like me when I was a kid. I laughed silently. "You can shout breakfast after."

"Yeah, whatever. Just get moving."

Les met me in the kitchen 5 minutes later, carrying a bag that I knew would contain his wetsuit. He was dressed in boardies and a tee-shirt. He looked at me, the question evident on his face, and I nodded. Yeah, we were going to the beach and we would do it every day until we saw Steph. I grabbed a couple of bottles of water and threw them in my backpack. We walked out, jumped on our bikes and headed towards Escolleras. We got there just as the sun was peeking over the horizon and sat in the car park, leaning on our bikes enjoying the view of the sun over the water.

Les eyed the break and sighed. "Wish I had my board."

"You're on a job bro, deal with it."

We both turned as a dual-cab utility drove into the parking lot. There were two boards strapped down on the roof. I groaned internally and shot Les a Steph-worthy eye roll. I was going to hear him bitching about not surfing all day. He missed it when we were in Trenton and he headed for Miami as often as he could get away, just to surf. Sometimes I thought he only stayed in Trenton for the same reason I did, namely one Stephanie Michelle Plum.

A big, blonde guy got out of the truck and immediately looked in our direction.

"Ah, man, it had to be you, didn't it?" Les voice was half whiny, half happy.

"Still fucking everything that moves mate?" the guy called back, Australian accent. Hank?

"Fuck me, Hank?" I was in two minds, pleased to see our old friend and how the hell he and Stephanie were involved down here.

"Still an asshole Ranger?"

"The fuck is your problem?" Yeah, now I was pissed! I hadn't seen the guy in years, what was his problem?

Then the passenger door opened and a savage looking German Shepherd jumped out, snarling.

Hank patted her and she calmed down immediately. "Come here baby girl, they're okay."

The dog moved from Hank's side and took up almost a guard position, just in front of him. Someone else got out of the passenger door and I heard a familiar laugh, then I heard her voice.

"I wouldn't say he was a complete asshole."

And there she was. Dressed in purple and black Nikes, indecently short black running shorts and an aqua tank over a black sports bra.

"Holy shit, Beautiful!" Lester went to give her a hug and the dog immediately got between them, snarling.

"It's okay, Freyja. He's a friend." Steph bent down to sooth the dog. She made a gesture with her hands and the dog's demeanour instantly changed from attack dog to a pet. "Carlos, Lester, I guess you guys know Hank. This beautiful girl is Freyja. Les, you and Hank go hit the waves. Carlos and I are going for a run."

Her no nonsense, take charge attitude was a complete 180 degree change from the Stephanie I knew. Just what had happened to her? I knew I wanted to find out more.

"We'll run along the beach, Carlos. I plan on interrupting your zone because we are going to talk while we run."

I didn't care, right now I would follow her anywhere. She started stretching and I followed suit. Hank and Les unstrapped the boards and got into their wetsuits. The boys did a fist pump (did they realise how juvenile that looked?) and headed for the waves, leaving Freyja to watch their gear on shore and chase birds. Stephanie and I set out along the beach, heading north. We ran in silence for probably a mile and I was amazed she kept an even pace with me. I was even more surprised when she started talking without puffing.

"Marc Pardo, right?"

"Yes." She knew that was one of my covers.

"And Stephan?"

"My brother."

"Good to know."

"How often do you run?" I wanted, no, needed to know what had happened to her in the last year.

"Pretty much every day. I'm using it as a substitute for sugar."

I almost stopped dead. Stephanie was known for her junk food appetite, eating doughnuts for breakfast and having takeaway practically every night that she wasn't bumming meals off me or her parents. She had told me she used sugar to keep her hormones at bay and her temper under control. Looking at her, she was serious about replacing the sugar with exercise. She had a runner's body but with more muscle definition.

"You look great," I said, admiring her physique openly this time.

"Thank you. Someone told me I was a sack of shit, unfit and untrained, so I decided to fix that. Turns out, I enjoy it, so I kept going."

God, how bad had I hurt her? "I never said you were a sack of shit, Babe."

"You don't get to call me Babe, not anymore. Look, I don't want to turn this into an argument Carlos." Her tone was dismissive, cold even. "But I need to know one thing. Why did you lie to me?"

What was she talking about? "I never lied to you Stephanie."

"Yeah, you did. You said your life didn't lend itself to relationships. But you are in one, and by all accounts it is serious. If you had feelings for Jeanne-Ellen the whole time you were poaching with me, and you knew I was in love with you, that's pretty fucked up."

"I…"

"Please stop talking. Forget this whole conversation ever happened. Can I do anything to make sure I don't screw up your job down here?"

Happy to move on from any discussion that involved Jeanne-Ellen, I asked the question I had been pondering for well over a week. "Where's Esteban?"

"I have no idea," she answered immediately, sincerely. I could always tell when she was lying and I was sure she was telling the truth right now. She continued, "He said he'd be out of town for a couple of weeks."

"How long have you been with him?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Because I care, Steph." Because I can't stand the thought of you being with someone else.

"No, you don't. He's a target for you and you are wondering how you can get closer to him, wondering if you could use me to plant a bug for you. Tell me I'm wrong."

"No, you're not wrong." Of course I had considered that. But why was she with him? We ran on for a few minutes before I blurted out what had been rolling around in my head. "The Stephanie I knew would never shack up with a drug dealer." She laughed harshly and the sound, so bitter, so unlike her old, carefree giggle stung me.

"The Stephanie you knew was a fuck up, you said it yourself."

"I said you needed training, I never, ever said you were a fuck up."

"Please stop." She entreated softly, but firmly. "I can't deal with this right now. Esteban told me something big was going down, and we needed to get out of town. Now you're here. I assume you guys are here to set up Los Zetas and blow a hole in their supply chain to the States. What worries me is that a Sureños member has been seen in town, and they are allied with the Gulf Cartel. Esteban thinks he can delay some of the next stage but not all of it." She ran on for a couple of minutes before continuing. "I know you don't care about me anymore, but I still care about you and your brother over there is still one of my best friends. Something huge is going to happen sometime in the next two months. Esteban knows about it and he has someone inside the Gulf Cartel who knows about it too. That means you might be being set up. You need to watch your ass and check your sources."

I wanted to ask her what made her think I didn't care, but there was more important information that I needed right now. Lives were at stake. "How do you know the Sureños are in town?"

"The waitress who looked after you at the bar? Her sister was raped and cut up by a guy with a Sureños tattoo on his neck. Her husband was Los Zetas and taught her what to look for, but was killed because someone leaked his name as a police informant to the Gulf Cartel."

"Why are you still here? Why haven't you gone home?"

"I have nothing to go back for, do I?" She looked pointedly at me. How badly had I fucked up with her? "We are leaving soon though."

"Why are you waiting?"

"I know we are still safe until Esteban's mother is out of town."

She was confusing the crap out of me. "Why do you trust this guy?" I demanded.

"I stopped his mother from getting raped by three men. They decided I would be a better victim, a decision that cost one of them his balls."

The pieces of the puzzle clicked. Stephanie did that? That explained the pre-mortem injury to the decapitated drug dealer. "So why do you trust him?" I asked.

"He's never lied to me. Ever." She sounded so determined standing up for him, the way she used to stand up for me to Morelli.

"Do you love him?" I almost didn't want to know the answer, but I had to ask. She scowled at me, her face turning into a cold, indifferent mask.

"That is none of your business. You have the life you wanted, Carlos. You have your business and your contract and your lover that understands it all. I will help you and Les because I don't want to see your bodies on the news. Then I am leaving and heading back to the States, but I am not going back to Trenton. I can't live there knowing you are with her, it would break my heart."

"You were with Morelli, Steph. You went back to him…"

"It doesn't matter. He's getting married and he is happy now. I made him miserable because I was in love with a man who had no intention of me being anything other than a fuck buddy until his girlfriend came back to town. I am sick of being a source of gossip for the Burg and a source of entertainment for you. My plan is to apply for a job away from Trenton based solely on my skills, not because it was given to me out of pity."

My mind was spinning. I knew she loved me, but I hadn't realised… hang on, she thinks I'm still with Jeanne-Ellen? "Stop Steph, please stop."

She glared at me. "What?" she growled.

"I'm not with Jeanne-Ellen. She wanted..."

"What, your money? Marriage? Kids? A picket fence and a happily ever after?"

My temper finally let go. "For fuck's sake, will you just let me talk?"

"Alright!" she yelled.

I took a deep breath. We both needed to calm down. "Can we stop?"

"No, I'll cramp up. Slow down for a bit, then we can head back while we walk."

As we headed back towards the car park, I told Stephanie about my relationship with Jeanne-Ellen. All of it. From the minute we met, to the threesomes, the engagement ring. I thought her eyes would pop out of her head when I told her about that, but she wisely stayed silent. Then I told her about coming home and finding her with her supposedly best friend and husband. She knew just how much that hurt because of what happened with her ex-husband, but again, she just looked at me and said nothing. Then I told her about how my friends, my brothers, in particular Lester, rallied around me and made sure I stopped drinking myself into unconsciousness every night and got a better handle on my life. I told her about all the women, including my arrangements with the girls in New York and Miami.

"You were the only woman that managed to get close to me, since Jeanne-Ellen. After you left, I realised you were as good as friend as I had ever had. Lester, Tank, Bobby, Hector, they are my brothers, but I didn't have any friends I could count on outside Rangeman, and know they didn't want anything in return. You were happy just to be with me, the real me, and you were also the only one outside my brothers who didn't ask for anything in return. Yes there was work stuff, like backup and cars, but personally, you asked for nothing. That meant a lot to me."

She had tears shining in her eyes when she finally realised how much she meant to me. Then her eyes narrowed as a memory came to the surface. "So why were you so quick to point out my faults, to push me away?"

"I didn't want you to want a relationship with me when I had nothing to give. To me, it could have been purely physical but I could not allow you closer, emotionally. I couldn't give you what you wanted or needed from a relationship."

She looked away, towards the water. "You never asked what I wanted," she muttered under her breath. I'm not sure she meant to say that out loud, but she was right. I had always assumed she wanted the whole nine yards, the house, marriage, kids and a fluffy white dog. Things that Morelli could give her, things I never could or would. She cleared her throat, looked back at me and continued. "So what happened after I left?"

"Jeanne-Ellen contacted me and came to Rangeman and we fell straight back into a physical relationship. I thought maybe it was what I wanted too, but wasn't like it had been before. I didn't feel anything for her." God I sounded pitiful. Still, if I wanted any chance of Steph being back in my life, I had to be honest with her. She needed to know everything. "Tank kept a set of eyes on her, actually he's never trusted her. He made sure I knew the truth before I left for this mission. She was still sleeping with the couple I walked in on, and there were others, so many others." My voice tapered off. I felt like an idiot, how the hell could I have ever thought she wouldn't sleep around? Why hadn't I noticed it? Why did I care? Steph was looking at me expectantly, so I continued. "I got the call to come here just before Tank sent me the file on Jeanne. I told her I was leaving for a mission, she told me she wouldn't wait for me unless we got married." Steph's eyebrows shot up. I hurried on. "She wanted the New York lifestyle and expected me to finance it and if I paid for it, she'd stay with me. I confronted her about the cheating and ended everything there and then."

She looked at me, taking everything in. "What do you want from me Carlos?"

"I want to know how you feel. I want to know if there is any way I can have you back in my life."

She took a deep breath. I had not felt like this in years, apprehension is a very odd emotion for me.

"Carlos, I was in love with you. I went back to Joe because you told me to and I believed that there was no chance for us, plus it was what everyone expected and pressured me to do. I took what I could from you and I know I should have just been honest with my feelings from the start, even though it would have pushed you away. I wanted someone to love me so badly that I used Joe, and treated him terribly, because I couldn't deal with the fallout from breaking up with him. You were right, I was a mess. You need to know, I'm not coming back to Trenton. I hated who I was, because I always lived through others expectations. I was "Babe", "Cupcake", "Pumpkin", "Bombshell", but never Stephanie. Now I know who I am, and I like myself for the first time in my life. I feel like I am capable of doing my job and doing it well. I can finally fly and I can do it because I want to, not because someone helps me."

I felt it like a physical blow. She truly had moved on. I had to ask, "So, does this mean…"

"I don't need you in my life, Carlos. I don't need you to come running every time I blow something up, or get kidnapped, or have some skip pull a knife on me during a distraction. I don't need to beg for your approval. I don't need you, or Joe, to make me feel emotionally stable and I don't need anyone in my life to make me feel whole. I want someone in my life who loves me for the person I am, not someone who loves part of me and needs me to change to suit them. I guess what I am saying is that you showed me that I don't need you in my life anymore."

I turned from her, feeling like I had lost something irreplaceable, something vital. I was crushed. Then she continued.

"I want you in my life, but I don't need you."

"Does that mean..?"

"I'm not like one of the girls you have stashed back at the house, or living in an apartment somewhere. I won't put my life on hold in the hope you will come by once in a while. Come find me after the mission is done and when you are ready to let me in. I want to be your friend, I miss being your friend. But I am not cut out to be one of your mistresses and I won't be a fuck buddy."

"God I've missed you Steph. I haven't laughed since you left."

"And whose fault is that?" she said, barely a whisper. I had lost her love, but I could regain her friendship and that was worth more to me than anything.


End file.
